Floater's diary

I may have woken up to nightmares but I still ate a balanced breakfast and packed my bag for therapy. Now I get to lounge for a good while before I need to get up & go.
 
There can never be too much kindness, Arvo xoxo
 
Really freaking out about gyno tomorrow.

Went for a walk and I feel stuffy and my nose is runny & I get winded from just walking. I guess that covid was harder on my body that I had thought. But I´m sure I´ll get over it.
 
Covid really messed me around this time & it has taken two months to feel that I have just about shaken it.
 
At home my left foot REALLY started to ache as the nerves are still healing from me having stepped on some glass in Oct, and the psych ward probably made it worse by not letting me clean the wound. I don´t understand why they didn´t let me clean it myself either but, oh well. I´m a bit scared that there might be some debris inside the foot because of this. I did try my best to clean the wound but it was in a spot I couldn´t really see inside so who knows.

Despite the pain I managed to prep myself the first batch of food in months. There have been psychological reasons and also the foot has prevented me from standing up for long periods of time. I did send a question about the foot to the health clinic. I want to tell myself that it´s nothing and the pain is just from the nerves healing but, well, if the pain were to stay like this is would definitely affect my quality of life.

But hey - yay for sausage and rice stew with root veggies and kidney beans and two snack-size portions of tuna, peas, scallions and garlic in chili oil!
 
Kudos to you for going to the gym & not overdoing it & for feeding yourself well, Arvo. I hope your foot feels better tomorrow xoxo
 
I´m having _the best breakfast_ in my memory: 1dl of oats, 2 tbsp of hot naga flavored beef jerky, 2 tbsp of soy flakes (aka steamed and pressed soybeans that look a lot like oats), 1tbsp of sunflower seeds; I added hot water to the dry ingredients and let it sit while my coffee was brewing, then added some frozen corn and garlic-chili oil, microwaved until corn was thawed, topped with scallions and a little splash of soy sauce. It tastes incredible.
 
Had rye bread with rucola and Schwarzwald ham for a snack and the headed to the city center for a meeting with the psych nurse. I think it went well. She said that I don´t come across as someone who just expects to be helped without putting in effort of my own, and that also I don´t seem depressed, even though my anxiety obviously does shine through. We went over some plans for the future and some of them sound promising and some are scary as shit. She agreed that, as a long-term plan, permanent pension/disability would probably be a sensible option but it´s going to take a lot of hoops to jump through before that will become an option. As a treatment possibility, something called "psychophysical physiotherapy" exists and I was open to that possibility in addition to getting to keep my current psychotherapy. I will probably be mandated to go through "trial work", AKA busywork that´s supposed to measure my remaining employability. All of this sounds very stressful but I also understand that the system is set up in a certain way and I can´t do anything about that. My job, what I can do, is to stick to doing the things I know work for me and come across as pleasant and co-operative to the system, and that way I´ll have the biggest likelihood of getting helped.

Had a stupid expensive coffee and toast afterwards as Arnold´s, hit the gym, had two little Red Bulls on my way home. At home I had tuna with peas & scallions and one portion of yesterday´s sausage, root veg and kidney bean stew.

I feel like I´m starting to get myself back. I still get anxious sometimes about having done The Thing and changed my ID. In some ways I feel more incomplete because now the first question healthcare workers ask me is "are you on hormones?". But on the other hand I feel more seen than before, and interestingly, my dysphoria feels much less intense now. The new ID and name give me a sense of validation. Anxiety is triggered whenever I run into some problem about logging in somewhere or information missing and not being able to get my meds from the pharmacy etc etc; and sometimes I feel nostalgic about my old first name because it´s very cool and I chose it myself, but that´s why I kept it as my second name! I can still call myself that when I feel like it and it´s still correct and legal. I can even fill it in any forms and stuff. I did think it through thoroughly, after all.
 
I had rye bread with parmesan & rucola and tuna with peas before bed. Slept OK, although did wake up at 5.30 and it took me a while to get back to sleep.

Breakfast: rye bread with parm, oatmeal with jerky, dried cherries, walnuts, soy flakes & chili oil
 
Heck yeah! Found Exomega control cream on sale and with no post fees, I threw my old bottle out after I dated that git for three days because in my brain the cream reminded me of how exited I had been about human connection and how badly I was let down both by the git and my "friend" who introduced us. But the lotion is actually good and I used it for years and it´s non comedogenic so this is just one little way of me starting to get back to normal after something that didn´t initially register as traumatic to me but in hindsight... It was.

I can´t really understand why I was so shaken except that the git belittled and humiliated my gender identity. Maybe that´s why it hurt so much. Physically I wasn´t in any danger (and I could have wiped the floor with him, he was not physically fit or intimidating in any way) but something about his entitled behavior just flipped a switch in my head and robbed me of my sense of self. I guess the best way to put it is that he was both misogynistic and transphobic and in such a backhanded way that it was hard to grasp it and stand my ground. Definitely the sort of person who wears you down in time until no self respect remains. It´s fucking sad that I´m so vulnerable to that but hey, as my therapist says, it wasn´t my fault and meeting someone three times to come to the conclusion that the person is dangerous is not a bad achievement.

Also: I´ve noticed that whenever I get doubts about my transness or if changing my gender marker was a bad idea, it´s always when I´m exhausted and stressed out. When I´m "feeling my oats", I´m always happy that I did it and I do feel like the change, and using a male name, give me happiness and a sense of internal validation. And my body is doing it´s very best, and we are in this together. The goal is to be as healthy and happy and functional as possible and aesthetics are important but not the whole story.

I think I´ll book a hairdresser appointment around the spring equinox. I´m growing out my sides and sometimes I feel like it´s so frustrating but on the other hand I want to be able to wear my hair in a layered cut that shows my natural waves, and in a half up half down do, which for now doesn´t look too good because there´s less hair due to the sides being short. Haha. I guess that rediscovering an interest in my looks is a good sign. I´ll find my person eventually, even if that person´s just gonna be me.
 
Light lunch of rice noodles and veg in miso broth with a ton of chopped ginger. Then it´s off to the pool.

I went for a walk with Ms Civilian Friend and I´m glad she´s been understanding; I was psychotic when I thought she was against me and it didn´t really show in my behaviors, I kept it to myself, so it´s nice to get back to normalcy when it comes to this topic.

I feel bummed that I threw out my old Uni backpack. It had some holes in it and was 7, 8 years old and had been in use daily so it wasn´t like it was in pristine condition anymore. But I keep wondering if I could have patched it and kept it longer. I guess my anxiety manifests as attachment to old objects and the backpack is for my 2023 crisis what my old bedframe was to my 2020 crisis - a cherished Holy Grail I threw out for a reason but will keep pining for years after. Good news is that the backpack is very much replaceable. It was Herschel´s "Little America" with a grey body and black flap and pocket. Rubber straps and a laptop pocket. They aren´t exactly cheap, but if I really, really want to get a new one I can do that. But at the same time I´m reminding myself that there was a reason I replaced it, and I didn´t just throw it out willy nilly. The padding was showing in the back and honestly I don´t think I could have sewn/patched it. With my memory issues, I guess objects are a way of finding my bearings in the space-time and that´s where the anxiety stems from.
 
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I love hearing you care for yourself. You were onto that git quickly so give yourself credit for that. He is not worth even thinking about. The Herschel's backpack looks cool.
 
Cate said:
I love hearing you care for yourself. You were onto that git quickly so give yourself credit for that. He is not worth even thinking about. The Herschel's backpack looks cool.
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Thanks forum mom 💐 Yeah maybe I'll get another Herschel one day. For now I'm pretty content with my Mil-Tec; not unique in any way or as cool as Herschel, but it was within my price range, waterproof and practical with it's many compartments.

Last meal of the day was 200g of cottage cheese, rye bread with marg, an avocado, and a little bit of jerky and dried strawberries (incredible combo, btw).
 
I am about to cry 😅 I just noticed that Herschels have a lifetime warranty. I really should not have thrown it out. Also the color I had is no longer in production.

Maybe someday I'll find a new one but I need to have a little cry now.
 
I have done the same SO many times in my lifetime! :grouphug:
 
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