Floater's diary

[Floater]

It does sound like you are bouncing back after Covid. I did the first time around but this last strain has knocked me about. Well done on getting things done, Arvo. I ticked off a few things yesterday too & that feels good.

I didn´t make it to the gym today because it´s -21 degrees outside and I don´t want to risk straining my body too much. I did have an otherwise pleasant day, did art stuff and picked up the moss agate male figurine I had bought myself as a New Year´s gift. I love him. Can´t wait to show him to my therapist.

 

[Cate]

I'm glad that you had a pleasant day, Arvo. Your moss agate figurine sounds like he would be very therapeutic. Is he small enough to hold in the palm of your hand? I felt good just reading about him xo

 

[Floater]

I'm glad that you had a pleasant day, Arvo. Your moss agate figurine sounds like he would be very therapeutic. Is he small enough to hold in the palm of your hand? I felt good just reading about him xo

Yes, he´s the perfect size and weight so I can hold him in my fist! He IS very therapeutic to me and I feel oddly soothed and validated by some natural holes and cavities and formations in the stone, one reminds me of a (very abstract) vulva and I like that my little stone man is like me in that aspect. A man, but with natural features that are associated with femininity.

I´ve been in a great mood today. I try to think of the weather as a positive excuse to stay inside and focus on doing art stuff and cleaning up and reading, etc etc. It´s still extremely cold outside and we are expecting heavy snowfall in the evening and for the rest of the week too. I can either go "wahhhh I want to hit the gym but can´t" OR keep myself active doing what I can in the home. Spring is on it´s way here and after my psych crisis I can honestly focus on maintaining my weight loss and getting rest while I mentally prepare for starting to lose the next and last 5-10kg in the spring and summer.

 

[Llama]

You really do sound so much better in the new year and I love it!

 

[Floater]

You really do sound so much better in the new year and I love it!

Thanks!

I had a pretty intense moment of anxiety today but I used it productively to send some healthcare-related documents and went to SMART in the evening. Food-wise I´ve been doing pretty good, could eat more fruit & veg but my method of sticking to a few choice microwave meals has been very good for my anxiety. It´s like my brain doesn´t need to adjust to a lot of tastes and textures, I´ll definitely do the same trick around summer solstice (solstices always kinda mess me up; too much light in the summer, too little in the winter, and the coincidental holidays disrupt my daily routine and my trauma pops up then).

Took a good look at my vibe/mood calendar today - I bought a big one with one date per page and use that for drawing and writing down how I´m feeling - and it doesn´t cease to amuse me that I picked up my ID card on winter solstice, the darkest day of the year but also the beginning of yearly ascension into the light. I´ve also been writing down my dreams each morning so I´m doing really well in the goal of getting to know my dreams and wishes and the unseen parts of me in general. Of course my fear of falling short (a much better descriptor than "perfectionism") keeps popping up here as well and sometimes I feel like I should remember my own dreams better in order to be a good dream diary keeper! But that´s why it´s such a healthy project for me: dreams do fade, whatever we remember of them isn´t to be forced back, sometimes I only remember a glimpse or an impression and just need to come up with a word that seems to capture it best out of a ton of slightly unsatisfying options. What matters is going through the trouble of trying to remember and trying to put it into writing somehow.

 

[Cate]

I love that you turned anxiety into doing something positive. I can never remember my dreams, just the general feeling of them.
Your stone man sounds lovely. I love stone. I live in a stone house, built on a huge rock. Our rock is Dolomite a calcium magnesium carbonate.

 

[Llama]

I remembered more about my dreams the longer I kept a diary but I also read about people taking that vague hunch or single word they remembered as a writing prompt for a short story (and I'm sure a sketch would work just as well). At the same time: we dream so much every night it would be a complete waste of the day to write all of it down! The important stuff will get through either way.

 

[Floater]

I love that you turned anxiety into doing something positive. I can never remember my dreams, just the general feeling of them.
Your stone man sounds lovely. I love stone. I live in a stone house, built on a huge rock. Our rock is Dolomite a calcium magnesium carbonate.

I love that. Stone houses are beautiful and feel so safe. I do like wooden houses but a stone house on a rock sounds like a fortress, I love it.

I remembered more about my dreams the longer I kept a diary but I also read about people taking that vague hunch or single word they remembered as a writing prompt for a short story (and I'm sure a sketch would work just as well). At the same time: we dream so much every night it would be a complete waste of the day to write all of it down! The important stuff will get through either way.

I do hope to utilize my dreams in my art projects! And yes, the important stuff will get through.

I had some nightmares but even in the dream I felt like I could manage the evil taking place around me. Like I was empowered despite everyone and everything around me trying to use me or hurt me. It was powerful. I only felt close to tears once in the dream, when I heard some women talk about their plans to destroy a blackbird's nest. Even then my mind immediately sprung to action: how can I protect the eggs and the mama bird?

Woke up in good spirits, had cheese tortelloni for breakfast and took my ADHD meds. Today I plan to wash the floors, make some art projects (I'm into making little benevolent spell cards, the idea just came to me and making them is so relaxing) and go to a SMART meeting in the evening.

 

[Llama]

Yay for empowerment, even in dreams!

 

[Floater]

I had five o´clock anxiety but it got better when I went out for a short walk and got myself some microwave meals and ate dinner. I let Heikki out for his run and moisturized his ears, which he HATES. But it had to be done as the tips of his ears were dry to the point of flakiness! The weather now is so harsh on skin, both human and chin skin!

 

[Llama]

The weather now is so harsh on skin, both human and chin skin!

Now it sounds like he has razor burn

 

[Cate]

Our stone house does feel like a fortress. I like hearing about you tending to Heikki. It's so good for us looking after animals. Does he tolerate much patting?

 

[Floater]

Now it sounds like he has razor burn

Haha I did not shave him, but his ears are naturally nekkid!

Our stone house does feel like a fortress. I like hearing about you tending to Heikki. It's so good for us looking after animals. Does he tolerate much patting?

For a chinchilla he´s super affectionate! He likes to get scritches under his chin and behind his ears, and he also likes having his back gently and calmly petted. He loves to climb on me and take rides on my shoulder (I go super slow and careful to make sure he doesn´t lose his balance and get hurt!). Because chinchillas are small prey animals, they take a long time to warm up to pats, but I gave Heikki a lot of time to depressurize when he moved in and as a result he is very trusting towards me. He also likes to get forehead kisses and it´s so cute. When he´s done with being petted etc, he´ll push my finger/hand away with his lil paws and it´s. So. ADORABLE.

 

[Llama]

That sounds SO SWEET!

 

[Floater]

That sounds SO SWEET!

It is heartbreakingly sweet! Im so happy that I have two friends come over next week and they´ll get to meet Heikki for the first time! Heikki is very curious towards new people and people love him because he´s adorable so it´s always a win win

Dream diary is paying off. I have nightmares on average 4/7 night per week and having proof of that will probably be helpful at the psych clinic.

 

[Floater]

Today I´ve been fueled by anxiety but got a lot of stuff done, from cleaning to paying bills to placing my first grocery delivery order since I tried to date that git. I cooked for him and it´s hard to explain but that encounter was traumatic enough to put me off preparing food for 4,5 months. Of course there´s more to it but it was one of the reasons and how it all started. I had flashbacks every time I picked up my kitchen stuff so eating microwave meals and tortelloni has been my way of trying to avoid those.

It´s so weird though. Because he didn´t exactly do anything violent or illegal. He "just" belittled my identity and acted entitled towards my body and my company. You´d think that someone like me with a history of trauma would be tougher than losing my gumption from that. But... It did damage me and I felt stupid for taking three dates to realize what a clusterfuck he is and I was also really ashamed that I coudl not stand up to myself better and say to him that his behavior is out of line and creepy. I was trying to be nice and I got really really hurt. And my friend´s reaction, the one´s who introduced us, definitely made everything much much worse.

Sent some old patient papers to the psych clinic I have an appointment to in a month. I really hope they´ll treat me well and take me seriously. It´s about time that happened

 

[Llama]

You were trying to convince yourself. Because you wanted to believe there was a simple solution that would resolve you of all the difficulties and pain you were dealing with. Hope is a precious thing but it can also blind us. That doesn't make you stupid, just human.

 

[Floater]

You were trying to convince yourself.

Yes.

Because you wanted to believe there was a simple solution that would resolve you of all the difficulties and pain you were dealing with.

Spot on. I was so hurt by everything that the trans clinic had put me through that I tried to sacrifice my true self in order for life to become a little bit better, easier, less of a fight.

Hope is a precious thing but it can also blind us. That doesn't make you stupid, just human.

I´m so glad I have therapy tomorrow. I also need to return a book to the library! If clerks are present, I´ll get myself a new library card too.

 

[Cate]

For a chinchilla he´s super affectionate! He likes to get scritches under his chin and behind his ears, and he also likes having his back gently and calmly petted. He loves to climb on me and take rides on my shoulder (I go super slow and careful to make sure he doesn´t lose his balance and get hurt!). Because chinchillas are small prey animals, they take a long time to warm up to pats, but I gave Heikki a lot of time to depressurize when he moved in and as a result he is very trusting towards me. He also likes to get forehead kisses and it´s so cute. When he´s done with being petted etc, he´ll push my finger/hand away with his lil paws and it´s. So. ADORABLE.

Ohhhh

I felt stupid for taking three dates to realize what a clusterfuck he is and I was also really ashamed that I coudl not stand up to myself better and say to him that his behavior is out of line and creepy. I was trying to be nice and I got really really hurt. And my friend´s reaction, the one´s who introduced us, definitely made everything much much worse.

Sometimes it takes years to get away from a toxic person, but it only took you 3 dates. You're a smart cookie, Arvo. As LLama said you were hopeful & you are human. You deserve respect & love xoxo

 

[Floater]

Ohhhh

Sometimes it takes years to get away from a toxic person, but it only took you 3 dates. You're a smart cookie, Arvo. As LLama said you were hopeful & you are human. You deserve respect & love xoxo

Thank you forum mom. I just woke up from nightmares and logged in to see your post and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kindness