Floater's diary
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Floater
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I have done the same SO many times in my lifetime!
Also: I have a very odd relationship to objects and I am probably experiencing grief/anxiety over something else and it now manifests as grief/anxiety over that freaking backpack. I´ll get over it.
Breakfast was oatmeal with soy protein, hemp seeds and chili oil. I´ll wait for the dishwasher to be done, and then head out to pick up a shoe package from post. On the same trip I´ll return a package. If I feel frisky enough, I´ll go for another walk in the evening to pick up more scar oil from another post office.
Today is food prep day. I´m thinking pollock and chickpeas with chopped carrots and onions in yellow coconut curry. Actually, might as well get started. The weather outside sucks and I do not want to go out at all but I need to get productive unless I want to cry about that backpack the whole day. When I bought it it cost me 120 euros and I owned it for 8 years (based on FB memories). So it cost me 15e per year. Suddenly I don´t feel as wasteful haha. I have to trust myself that I had a reason to throw it out and this nostalgia is more related to it having been my Uni backpack and carrying many precious memories. But: never letting go of old things is also bad.
Floater
Well-known member
Shit happens. Sure, it would've been nice if you'd found out earlier but you got your money's worth out of it and you have an alternative. You are allowed to miss it and to feel bad, of course, but you did nothing wrong and it won't hurt you long-term.
Thank you! I found this very grounding!
Pollock and chickpea curry is in the oven, I´m making rice to go with it, and after that I´ll head out and brave the weather.
Floater
Well-known member
Pollock curry turned out fantastic, I had one portion with rice and two big and one small portions are in the fridge for later. I also had two hard-boiled eggs (could have boiled them for two minutes less, but oh well) and made marinated eggs out of the remaining six. I had forgotten to buy mirin, so I substituted that with sauerkraut. I mixed sauerkraut with sesame oil, chili-garlic oil, soy sauce, a tiny splash of maple syrup, and hot sauce, put the eggs in small dishes and covered with the sauerkraut mixture, covered tightly with saran wrap and fridged. Hopefully the kraut will soak the eggs with it´s fermented juices and by tomorrow I´ll have some very salty but very tasty eggs. I´ve found that pickling/marinating also changes the texture of eggs somewhat so they might be tastier by tomorrow. If not, I´ll chop them small enough that the slight rubberiness won´t bother me.
By God I´m so happy to be back to my normal self and I decided that if my longing for a Herschel Little America persists, I´ll get myself one as a Summer Solstice present. They do sell solid black ones with black rubber straps, and to me those backpacks look very smart. I think that if instead of living in my trauma and suffering each summer solstice I were to create new traditions for myself and make those days a little bit special, I may be able to turn my focus away from my past trauma and be happy that I survived instead. Also, planning big purchases ahead makes me feel less anxiety about spending money, so there´s that, too.
But yeah. Pollock is really overlooked. I think it´s a wonderful protein and very affordable, also less harmful for the environment and species diversity than tuna.
By God I´m so happy to be back to my normal self and I decided that if my longing for a Herschel Little America persists, I´ll get myself one as a Summer Solstice present. They do sell solid black ones with black rubber straps, and to me those backpacks look very smart. I think that if instead of living in my trauma and suffering each summer solstice I were to create new traditions for myself and make those days a little bit special, I may be able to turn my focus away from my past trauma and be happy that I survived instead. Also, planning big purchases ahead makes me feel less anxiety about spending money, so there´s that, too.
But yeah. Pollock is really overlooked. I think it´s a wonderful protein and very affordable, also less harmful for the environment and species diversity than tuna.
Floater
Well-known member
I haven´t been able to drag my arse outside yet. I don´t know why that feels so god damn impossible today. I´m also very hungry, despite the whole day having revolved around food prep and meals.
I think I´ll have a snack and then head out. I was planning to go to a SMART meeting tonight but we´ll see. I´ve been to a lot of meetings this week, and sometimes you need a little break.
I think I´ll have a snack and then head out. I was planning to go to a SMART meeting tonight but we´ll see. I´ve been to a lot of meetings this week, and sometimes you need a little break.
Floater
Well-known member
I ended up returning the package first, then had steamed broccoli with soy sauce, some crackers, pecan nuts and beef jerky.
It would seem that I´m indeed not size XL anymore and my brain just won´t accept that; I had ordered a puffer vest from H&M so I could wear it on bad dysphoria days to help camouflage my chest, and the reviews said the size ran small. It was way, way too big on me.
It would seem that I´m indeed not size XL anymore and my brain just won´t accept that; I had ordered a puffer vest from H&M so I could wear it on bad dysphoria days to help camouflage my chest, and the reviews said the size ran small. It was way, way too big on me.
Floater
Well-known member
Was still hungry to the point of shaking so I had two Lindt pralines and now having rice and two sauerkraut-pickled eggs. The eggs taste really nice and are much less salty than the pickled eggs I usually make. I´ll definitely make them again. I hope I´ll get to sleep easily tonight. I need rest
Floater
Well-known member
Thanks forum mom!
Woke up too early. Having a big breakfast: sauerkraut egg with avocado and oatmeal with pecans, cranberries and jerky.
The bacteria in the sauerkraut definitely helped improve the texture of the slightly overcooked eggs; instead of rubbery, they are now creamy and amazing. Chemistry is magic!
Woke up too early. Having a big breakfast: sauerkraut egg with avocado and oatmeal with pecans, cranberries and jerky.
The bacteria in the sauerkraut definitely helped improve the texture of the slightly overcooked eggs; instead of rubbery, they are now creamy and amazing. Chemistry is magic!
Floater
Well-known member
I try! But I'm just so happy to be cooking again...!Breakfast: egg drop soup, steamed broccoli with soy and garlic-chili oil.
Had pralines, jerky and dried strawberries last night
Floater
Well-known member
Had a double cheeseburger at BK before hitting the gym. Didn´t have the best ever session, felt weak and unfocused, but that´s OK. I went, and that´s what matters.
Bought some groceries, forgot to get more chili-garlic oil. Next time, then.
Now at home having three sauerkraut eggs with rice. Next I´ll hop in the shower and do laundry. Tomorrow I have therapy, and I´ll go aqua jogging after that. I could either have lunch at the Mediterranean buffet before aqua jogging or go back home from therapy and then head to the pool before 4PM when the discount groups entrance time closes. My brain is too burnt out right now to make decisions.
Bought some groceries, forgot to get more chili-garlic oil. Next time, then.
Now at home having three sauerkraut eggs with rice. Next I´ll hop in the shower and do laundry. Tomorrow I have therapy, and I´ll go aqua jogging after that. I could either have lunch at the Mediterranean buffet before aqua jogging or go back home from therapy and then head to the pool before 4PM when the discount groups entrance time closes. My brain is too burnt out right now to make decisions.
Floater
Well-known member
I had some steamed broccoli that needed to be eaten tonight. I don´t know if I should have some more carbs or not.
Pining after old junk I threw out while unwell. The pining is clearly as much of a symptom as the throwing out stuff part. I think that because my psyche can´t really understand the gravity of the re-traumatization I experienced at the trans clinic, I gain a backhanded sense of control from controlling my environment (AKA throwing out anything that triggered me/ had unpleasant memories attached to itself) or controlling my thoughts through focusing on the items I´m now missing so damn much. Kind of like, when I feel annoyed or sad or frustrated at myself for not having certain objects around me anymore, there´s no space in my brain for "real" reasons to be sad or annoyed or frustrated. I don´t know if this makes sense.
I had unusually bad dysphoria when I showered. It might be related to seeing my old friend. He has a lot of non-binary and trans people in his social circles so he was very relaxed about me having socially transitioned. No issues there whatsoever. And seeing him made me feel better about my future prospects of finding a partner. But then I went to the gym and I couldn´t help but compare myself to the guys I saw there and how weak I am after the crisis and hospitalization. And then I showered and had to clean and moisturize all sorts of body parts and lumps and bumps that my brain is having a really hard time with. And I couldn´t help but think how amazing it would be to have a body similar to my friends´. And it´s not because I´d envy his strength/prowess (he´s handsome in a classy way but not athletic at all) but just, you know. What he has would be closer to what I´d feel at home in.
And there´s nothing I can do. Except eat my veggies and get enough protein and work out regularly. But I´ll still be short and hourglass-shaped. And right now I hate everything about my body. Even my hair. But feeling sorry about myself won´t help either.
Pining after old junk I threw out while unwell. The pining is clearly as much of a symptom as the throwing out stuff part. I think that because my psyche can´t really understand the gravity of the re-traumatization I experienced at the trans clinic, I gain a backhanded sense of control from controlling my environment (AKA throwing out anything that triggered me/ had unpleasant memories attached to itself) or controlling my thoughts through focusing on the items I´m now missing so damn much. Kind of like, when I feel annoyed or sad or frustrated at myself for not having certain objects around me anymore, there´s no space in my brain for "real" reasons to be sad or annoyed or frustrated. I don´t know if this makes sense.
I had unusually bad dysphoria when I showered. It might be related to seeing my old friend. He has a lot of non-binary and trans people in his social circles so he was very relaxed about me having socially transitioned. No issues there whatsoever. And seeing him made me feel better about my future prospects of finding a partner. But then I went to the gym and I couldn´t help but compare myself to the guys I saw there and how weak I am after the crisis and hospitalization. And then I showered and had to clean and moisturize all sorts of body parts and lumps and bumps that my brain is having a really hard time with. And I couldn´t help but think how amazing it would be to have a body similar to my friends´. And it´s not because I´d envy his strength/prowess (he´s handsome in a classy way but not athletic at all) but just, you know. What he has would be closer to what I´d feel at home in.
And there´s nothing I can do. Except eat my veggies and get enough protein and work out regularly. But I´ll still be short and hourglass-shaped. And right now I hate everything about my body. Even my hair. But feeling sorry about myself won´t help either.