Floater's diary

I have been wondering where you were, but thought you were taking time out from the forum & I didn't want to pester you. It all sounds very scary. I'm glad that you got care when you needed it & are doing better now.
Take good care of yourself, Arvo :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
I have been wondering where you were, but thought you were taking time out from the forum & I didn't want to pester you. It all sounds very scary. I'm glad that you got care when you needed it & are doing better now.
Take good care of yourself, Arvo :grouphug:
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thanks forum mom!

Well... I didn´t really get much care; the crisis just kinda burned itself out. But I´m on the mend now. A bit more scarred and confused than before. But alive.
 
Finnish Independence Day.

I promised to my parents yesterday that I´d go over on Christmas. Then spent the night having nightmares about being m*lested. So I canceled. I could no doubt put on a cheer face for the holidays and my niece whom I desperately want to connect with. But the question is what would I do after getting home, completely overwhelmed and zoinked off my gourd on PTSD. I already did things that risked my life when I was having the episode leading to my hospitalization. I didn´t even understand they were dangerous. Going there to please my parents is just not worth the risk.
 
Remember how well you looked after yourself a few months ago. Try to do that again. You deserve to be healthy, Arvo. Pace yourself, and be kind to yourself. You are important!
 
Cate said:
Remember how well you looked after yourself a few months ago. Try to do that again. You deserve to be healthy, Arvo. Pace yourself, and be kind to yourself. You are important!
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Thank you forum mom!

My greatest achievement today was getting up and making myself a ham and cheese sandwich.

I really am at a point where eating breakfast and taking my meds is so so difficult and yet, it is so so crucial. Nothing else works unless I do it.
 
Plan for 2024:

Start every day by having a breakfast of at least 400 kcals and with SOLID food, and an ADHD med, at 8 AM. On high anxiety days have minimum dose. If you oversleep, get up, eat and take the goddamn pill as soon as possible.

When I was doing better, meds and food were what made it happen.

If I can stick to this one habit, literally everything else will become a little easier.
 
Happy little discovery for today:

Coffee with juniper berries, a little bit of honey, and oat milk tastes absolutely divine.
 
I did it.

I sent out the application to change my gender marker and my first name. And took a pass port photo.

Putting the next thing in spoilers because it´s a little bit fucked up.

I´m giving myself one year for things to get better. If they won´t get better by the end of 2024, they are not likely to get better at all. Until then I´ll keep doing what I do now. I document my life in diaries and drawings. I stay as connected to people as I can and as they will have me. These are my legacy. As you have probably guessed, when i frantically clean my apartment and throw out stuff when I´m doing badly it´s because I´m doing an inventory of what I want to leave behind. And what I don´t want to leave behind.

In any case, one thing has now been crossed off my bucket list. I´m about to become a man, legally speaking. Whether I live as one or die as one is not up to me to decide. I´d need a long stint in inpatient but such services do not exist in Finland anymore. Any treatment will only make me worse.

I give up. I´ll let fate decide for me. God knows I´ve tried to help myself and it just doesn´t work out for me.

I even left the church. If I die, I won´t make it to hallowed ground. I don´t think I deserve that anyway. So maybe that´s incentive to keep me alive.
 
Managed to rest a little and then re-sent the name change application just in case. I´ll probably be OK in the end. I´m just facing something new and unknown and it´s messing with my nogging a little.
 
I didn't read the spoiler, Arvo. I'm not feeling very strong at the moment.
My beliefs are in the here & now & I believe you deserve to have a good life here on this earth.
 
Floater said:
If I die, I won´t make it to hallowed ground. I don´t think I deserve that anyway.
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Fuck that noise. Plenty of criminals have been buried in church yards over the centuries and you never hurt anyone. Not to mention that if any part of the earth is hallowed, all of it is.

Once, when I was 18-and-a-bit, I woke up with an overwhelmingly strong message in my head, as clear as if it had been spoken out loud: This is the halfway-point. That conviction never really left me, even though I'd already deconverted by that time and I lost my last bits of belief in other supernatural stuff in the 5 years following. Tbh it was often a consolation that I wouldn't have to muddle through until I was 90 or something. Then I turned 37 and I expected the end to come any day... And it didn't. And I'm happier now than I had been in a long time.
What's the point of this anecdote? If giving yourself a year helps you focus on what you can do to make things better right now without getting overwhelmed by the thought of a depressingly giant future that's fine. But don't set anything human in stone and then expect the universe to conform. Now is not forever and forever is a load of crap.
 
I´ve been sober for one week short of one year and I have lost 20kg. I´ve kept saying 15 but that was in the summer.

It doesn´t matter that I feel like I´m insane and nothing´s progressed. I got sober. That´s a huge deal. I don´t FEEL like I do much about my diet and exercise but that´s just because my standards are inhumane. I have lost 20kg in a year after I got sober. And while the stretch marks will stay as reminders of the Hell I was in mentally, much like my self-harm scars, I believe I will one day learn to see them as badges of honor. Sucked that they had to be gotten but at the same time they are proof of valiant efforts.

This community has played a big part in my life and in my healing even in times when I felt I didn´t deserve you. <3
 
Hi Floater--it's been a while since I've been here...Really sorry to hear you went through such a tough time there. Mental health issues can be so hard (as I well know from experience too!) I am glad you are on the mend.
Getting sober is huge--congrats! And yes losing weight and getting healthy--so great!
Floater said:
Coffee with juniper berries, a little bit of honey, and oat milk tastes absolutely divine.
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That sounds so good and so interesting--what do you with the juniper berries? like how do you add them in?
 
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