Floater's diary

Llama said:
That's so exciting: best of luck with all the related chores!
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Thanks, so far this sucks, I´m gonna have to be ID-less and e-bank-less until Monday at least. I did get cash and my meds in advance so that´s all dandy but as I have covid I couldn´t go to the police today and I´ve now been queuing to the bank service number for over an hour and my OCD likes neither. The new med shouldn´t technically effect me yet (takes weeks to build up in serum) but I tell myself it will keep me from shitting bricks and the placebo effect helps a bit.

I also felt a pang of nostalgia about my old social security number. It´s never going to come back now; even if I were to change my name again or change my gender marker back (which I´m not gonna do), that number is lost to time. Much like as if it´s owner had died. I´m very much alive however and I can´t quite explain how relieving it feels to know that in the official records and the cyber-reality, I am now a man. It feels nuts, in a good way. I stuck a lil flag somewhere out there in hyper-reality and took a piss against the pole and now that plot is mine.
 
Cate said:
Oh, Arvo!!! Congratulations, buddy!!!
Hope you (& I) get better real soon. :grouphug:
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Sucks that you are sick too, get better soon forum mom!

I'm a bit annoyed that I took the safety route and marked the femme name I kept along Arvo as the name I'm called in official situations. Should have just taken the plunge. HOWEVER, this Finnish oddity of a custom is not written in stone and once I feel safe enough I can just fill and send a form to have it changed to Arvo, and it shouldn't cost anything I think.
 
Thanks, Arvo. Don't worry about taking what you say is the safety route. Be proud of taking the steps you have taken. You are Arvo, no matter what any form says & as you say, it will be easy to change.
 
Floater said:
I´m very much alive however and I can´t quite explain how relieving it feels to know that in the official records and the cyber-reality, I am now a man. It feels nuts, in a good way. I stuck a lil flag somewhere out there in hyper-reality and took a piss against the pole and now that plot is mine.
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Congratulations!!🥳
 
liza3 said:
Congratulations!!🥳
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Thank you <3 It´s weird how much such a small change can alleviate physical gender dysphoria, too. I just feel much more at peace in my body, like I´m more complete. It´s cool.

The new drug, fluoxetine, is definitely effecting my appetite negatively and this is something I need to be mindful of. I´m scared of side effects but so far nothing too bad has emerged and I remind myself that if I start to feel su*c*dal, I´ll just quit the drug and it should exit my system in a few weeks. And: if I´m lucky, the drug might be a good fit. You never know until you try.

I´ve only had a banana for breakfast today so I´ll boil myself some tortellini now.
 
liza3 said:
I was pretty scared starting on ssri's at first so I can relate to your fears...It takes courage to try these fixes!
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Thank you for sharing that! It really does. I feel like with my ADHD meds, the effect is so direct, and if I skip a dose, nothing bad happens; I just don´t get the benefit. But with SSRI´s you have to remember to take it and if any problems arise it takes several weeks for the stuff to be out of the system! Scary. But so far worst side effects are nausea and the runs. I feel a little bit loopy in the head in a way that´s a bit difficult to put into words. Maybe like having sat on a lecture in a closed auditorium and then taking that first whiff of fresh winter air outside? I hope the med will keep being kind to me because I know that I won´t be able to handle another crisis like the one I had this fall. It was so scary.

Weird dreams are another common side effect and I have that but I actually don´t mind it. I bought a cute calendar with constellations on the cover and I write down any wacky dreams so that I can tell later on if I´ve been dreaming or if something weird really happened.

I feel super tired all the time but it might also be from months of not sleeping enough. Nausea makes eating a chore but I´ll figure out ways around it.
 
Floater said:
But so far worst side effects are nausea and the runs.
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I know i seem to get those effects (and the tiredness as well) in the first couple of weeks of increasing my meds (or when starting them new) and then they go away--I hope the same for you. I would just say that if you ever do think of going off the meds, just be sure to talk to a doctor first so they can advise you on that.
 
It sounds like the new meds will suit you once the initial side effects go away (assuming they will soon). I second what Liza said though if you decide to go off them at any time. I hope you start to get some energy back soon, Arvo. Feeling tired all of the time is awful :grouphug:
 
liza3 said:
I know i seem to get those effects (and the tiredness as well) in the first couple of weeks of increasing my meds (or when starting them new) and then they go away--I hope the same for you. I would just say that if you ever do think of going off the meds, just be sure to talk to a doctor first so they can advise you on that.
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Yeah, I´ll be careful and not quit SSRIs without consulting a doctor. ADHD meds are safe to take some days and skip others but anything that builds up in serum is dangerous to be on/off on! A nurse will call me today at 1.30 PM.

Cate said:
It sounds like the new meds will suit you once the initial side effects go away (assuming they will soon). I second what Liza said though if you decide to go off them at any time. I hope you start to get some energy back soon, Arvo. Feeling tired all of the time is awful :grouphug:
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Fingers crossed! Still recovering from covid too, so not being able to exercise hard makes the tiredness worse.

Some of my OCD symptoms are back but it would have been too good to be true that they would just have vanished. They are much milder than what they used to be though.

I´m thirsty ALL THE TIME and the runs are super annoying but let´s hope it will settle as my system gets used to the presence of the drug. I´ve been monitoring my BP at home and unfortunately it is a little bit elevated, between 135-145 and 85-95. These numbers alone may not be enough to put me on blood pressure meds but I´ll keep monitoring and ask my doctor in January. At least I don´t drink or smoke, and I exercise a lot when I´m not down with COVID.

I don´t really have much appetite. I saw some pictures taken of me a year ago and the change is CRAZY. Rationally I know that losing 20kg is going to be visible but even my face looks so different, I could be my sibling rather than the same dude. Quitting alcohol was probably the biggest health decision in my life, alongside quitting smoking back in 2014. However lousy I feel about my health and where I´d like to be in life versus where I am, at least I have that accomplishment.
 
Floater said:
Quitting alcohol was probably the biggest health decision in my life, alongside quitting smoking back in 2014. However lousy I feel about my health and where I´d like to be in life versus where I am, at least I have that accomplishment.
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That is huge for sure and something to be very proud of.
I hope the meds continue to help you on your healing journey!
 
liza3 said:
I hope the meds continue to help you on your healing journey!
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I sure hope they do because being this exhausted and nauseated 24/7 sucks.

I need to put my shoes on and go out to buy groceries but I really really don´t want to. What´s the point of eating?
 
The point of eating is to give your body the fuel and building blocks for existing, healing, and later making the most of your time at the gym.
 
You need nourishment, Arvo. How long has it been since you started taking the SSRIs? Is it 3 weeks yet? Do you take them with food?
 
Thank god the autism assistance personnel had noticed the same side effects as I did so I decided to go off the med. Should feel normal in two to four weeks.
 
sorry to hear it didn't work out...did you talk to your doctor about it?
 
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