Floater's diary

What Cate said. As long as we're generally kind, or at least polite, people can't expect us to cut ourselves up to better fit the mold.
 
Thank you, @Cate and @Llama ! <3 Much appreciated.

Last night was weird. I fell asleep eventually and woke up close to midday. I´m pretty dissociated in the "world is muted" sort of way. But I had tortelloni with marg & parm for breakfast and it was very nice.

I bought iced coffee after my visit to the gym yesterday. I´ll treat myself to some after I´ve cleaned Heikki´s cage and hoovered <3
 
Llama said:
What Cate said. As long as we're generally kind, or at least polite, people can't expect us to cut ourselves up to better fit the mold.
Click to expand...
Yeah. Like, I understand that my spirituality may be a bit out there compared to the baseline. But everyone there also knew I´m autistic. And that raging bully for a priest - I´ll just start calling her "priestate" because she, too, is located inside the anus - had three years to tell me "please don´t come to the Bible study group anymore, people there don´t vibe with you". I would have accepted that without any hesitation. Instead she.... Used me as some sort of entertainment.

It´s OK though, not the first time I´ve been bullied and it can´t really shake me anymore. I´ll find my own people in due time.
 
I might be getting sick. I packed my swimming gear for tomorrow after therapy but we´ll see about that when I wake up in the morning... Hopefully feeling ok then
 
Eating helped; I´m no longer cold and feeling miserable. If my congregation thinks that demons are literally real, then the joke´s on them!
 
There are not many things that make me really angry, but talk of being possessed by demons rates right up there. You are well shot of them, Arvo. I hope you're not getting sick xoxo
 
Rested; had two eggs for breakfast and packed myself some jerky, almonds, dried fruit and chocolate for therapy.

Will have a vitamin fizz and head out in 30 mins
 
I was just thinking about what protein I can have for my lunch today & you mentioned beef jerky. Thanks, Arvo :)
 
Hi friends!

I had a mental breakdown in October and was hospitalized. I´ve been home from early November, well, I didn´t spend that much time in an actual psych ward because mental health care is in an absolute crisis in Finland and despite me having quit eating and sleeping I was being told I don´t need to be hospitalized because I´m not actively su*c*dal. I was delusional though and thought I had demons in me and other super fun stuff.

Anyway. I´m doing better now. Needless to say, any transitioning plans are on hold now; the system wouldn´t allow me to continue even if I wanted to, and frankly, after the things I saw and experienced, I feel like gender identity is ultimately fairly meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Not speaking on the behalf of other trans folks, only myself. Thinking about that stuff is a luxury I can´t afford now, and I have to focus on things that improve my life in this moment. Gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia do still kick my ass but I focus on exercise and doing art as outlets.

My goal for 2024 is to reach 75 kg by the end of May. I´ve been stable at 79-80kg (although I did crash during the worst of my symptoms as I quit eating, but I´m back at 79-80 now). It should help tone my stomach a little bit which would help with the insecurities I have about my stretch marks in that area. On the other hand I need to be mindful about obsessing about my body and it´s perceived flaws. Supermodels have stretch marks and I only see them as ugly on my skin. Beauty comes from how we are in our bodies, not our bodies themselves.

I drank a lot of energy drinks before and after the crisis. I´ve cut them off now. Diet is mostly sensible. I´m still not able to cook my own meals really, executive functioning is not there yet. The time for diary style meal logging is not yet. I´m gonna start losing weight after the holidays. For now I need to focus on stabilizing my condition.

About the holidays: I´m gonna go to my parents´ place for Christmas to meet my niece and sister. I´m terrified, but if I isolate myself, I´ll go nuts again. And what I went through had a cost. I can tell that something inside broke permanently, one more damage I can only grow around and not get over. I just hope it´s not too late for me to find love. Right now, my body issues are heavily focused around that fear. That I ruined my body when I drank too much and got stretch marks. I can´t seem to see my body as it is now, attractive and I´d say athletic, I see myself as the swollen blobfish I was when I still had a beer habit. Such negative self talk. Need to improve that.

My artistic abilities are still here thank god. And I wrote a novel last night. Seven pages. It was pretty good even if I say so myself.
 
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