Floater's diary

This thing is really really messing with my head.

To the point I'm scared of my therapist because he's a Christian too.

To the point I feel myself losing touch with reality. People are people, and demons don't exist. But having a group of people push the idea onto me, that demons do exist and I have one... To them it's real. They didn't see a person in that Bible study group. To them, a filthy spirit was present, dressed as a confused woman who thinks "she's" a man.

A new level of existential horror unleashed.
 
People are weirdos. You know who you are and you know they're wrong. Hold on to that. Has your therapist ever given you a reason to assume he didn't see you as a person with a valid identity? Most religious people by far don't believe in literal demons possessing people. It's absolutely not typical for Lutherans afaik. Also: have a hug, because it sounds like you really need one. In fact, have five. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
 
Llama said:
People are weirdos. You know who you are and you know they're wrong. Hold on to that.
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<3
Llama said:
Has your therapist ever given you a reason to assume he didn't see you as a person with a valid identity?
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Well, he isn´t against me seeking trans healthcare and has been supportive in that. I´m probably just freaking out over some small things he said that now line up towards pointing me to the direction of "he´s one of them", because I initially got his contact info from someone in the church. A deacon.

If the church I was baptized in indeed is a pocket of hardcore old school fundamentalism, and I got unlucky enough to get bamboozled into going to a psychotherapist who (in this scenario) needs psychotherapy himself, and thinks I´m crazy because of demons... Let´s hope it´s not that.
Llama said:
Most religious people by far don't believe in literal demons possessing people. It's absolutely not typical for Lutherans afaik. Also: have a hug, because it sounds like you really need one. In fact, have five. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
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Thank you.

I´ll keep you guys posted.
 
Demons schmemons. If they actually believe in demons then you are well shot of them. Surely your therapist is just a common garden-variety Christian & doesn't have seriously whacky views.
You be you Arvo.
More hugs from me too
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:
 
Oh Arvo. I have been sitting here looking at my screen trying to think of what to say but what I really want to do is just send you more hugs. Believe in yourself & your worth & try to steer well clear of those who might try to undermine that belief. Keep in touch with those who value you as you are xoxo
 
Floater said:
If the church I was baptized in indeed is a pocket of hardcore old school fundamentalism
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I've been thinking about that: would a church like that really have a female pastor? And one considering having a child on their own? In my experience no matter what the denomination hardcore fundamentalists are ALL sexists who do what they can to keep women small and powerless.
 
I was so panicked last night that I texted my therapist asking if he believes in demons, and he told me to not worry, we have the same worldview about this one.
Cate said:
Oh Arvo. I have been sitting here looking at my screen trying to think of what to say but what I really want to do is just send you more hugs. Believe in yourself & your worth & try to steer well clear of those who might try to undermine that belief. Keep in touch with those who value you as you are xoxo
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Thank you forum mom <3
Llama said:
I've been thinking about that: would a church like that really have a female pastor? And one considering having a child on their own? In my experience no matter what the denomination hardcore fundamentalists are ALL sexists who do what they can to keep women small and powerless.
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Well, "rules are for thee not for me", and also, it does check out that a woman priest who needs to prove her mettle because of the sexism within the church would legitimize her position by smoking out an even more dangerous heretic. I have no idea if anything she´s shared to me about her family planning, or personal life in general, is true. But people like this will absolutely use weaker people as stepping stones and going hardcore old school is a good way to get brownie points from misogynist conservatives who believe women are too weak to lead the church.

Our friendship was never reciprocal, which took me a long time to realize because I´m autistic and easily suggestible/easy to convince. And the story that was published in the church newspaper also proves that this kind of thinking may not be as rare in the church as I previously thought.

It does suck that such a vile, treacherous person knows my saddest secrets and weirdest quirks but I haven´t done anything wrong, they can try to humiliate me but it won´t work.
 
Today has been hard.

Breakfast was half a bowl of soup. Had to toss the rest. Lunch half a pack of tortelloni.

Need to go out and buy my meds for the month.
 
Yup: I´m being shunned.

The phone calls have started. I won´t answer them or react to any of them. The congregation has my number because I´m in the Whatsapp group for the Bible study group and the game they are playing next game night is apparently "hunt the witch".

They think they are winning, but they are actually not. The longer this keeps going on, the more evidence I will have of having been a target of mass harassment; me being trans will make it worse for them; it´s a hate crime. They can´t touch me or destroy my stuff. They can only fuck with me mentally, and while it´s a bit stressful, knowing that evidence keeps piling up does make it a little bit more satisfying.

I will take this all with grace. Being in confusion and not knowing whom to trust is much, much worse than being aware of who´s messing with me. I went to the church looking for a new start. They could have told me straight that they can´t accommodate me. I would have respected that.
 
Technically the word shunning would mean they're refusing to contact you or acknowledge your existence in any way. Which sounds much more peaceful than constant calls and messages (provided it's not people you actually need).
 
Llama said:
Technically the word shunning would mean they're refusing to contact you or acknowledge your existence in any way. Which sounds much more peaceful than constant calls and messages (provided it's not people you actually need).
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Correct, of course. No more strange calls for today, thank god.

I wrote a blog text. Heading to the gym & Burger King.
 
Cate said:
Any strange calls you get block them straight away afterwards. Have you left the WhatsApp group?
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Yes, and I muted the group; my number can spread among the congregation anyway so I'd rather stay aware of discussions 💐

Had Taco Bell and hit the gym, now home, safe and sound and showered.
 
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Difficulties winding down for sleep.

Feeling like the blog text I wrote was shitty and insane. But I am insane. If I begin to censor out my self expression on the basis of "does this reflect factual reality", I won't write anything at all.

It will probably take some time for me to recover from what happened at church, and to find my bearings about what comes from past trauma and what comes from the present.

It's sad though, how often I find myself in situations where I unwittingly annoy people to the point they drive me away. I do understand I stick out like a sore thumb in most places. I really wish it wasn't so, but it is.

Probably best to try to trust my intuition.
 
Floater said:
Probably best to try to trust my intuition.
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I think your intuition should be trusted. Neither of us can change the way we are deep down & neither should we. We just need to find our people.
 
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