Floater's diary

Cate said:
You really must have needed that sleep! It sucks that you keep getting migraines.
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It does suck. I may need to go to the doctor about it.

I went grocery shopping with the autism assistance person. Pain was so bad that I got migraine spray. but now I have lots and lots of yummy and healthy food in the fridge and pantry and it makes me happy.

Breakfast: Red Bull, congee with sauerkraut, cilantro, and pork kassler.
 
Sorry to hear the migraines aren't letting up :grouphug:
 
Thanks Llama! I´ll be OK. I just hate this feeling like my muscles are made out of concrete. I try to rest and relax and it helps for a bit.

Lunch: rutabaga soup.
 
I also had a soup with the banana.

Went to Bible Study group; had an oat bar, a cookie chocolates, candy and a Coke. Went to Taco Bell after and had a quesadilla meal. At the gym now.
 
Idk why but I feel both content and at peace with myself, and simultaneously like I am not going to heal.

Obviously, autism is not an illness anyway. But the extent of my trauma... Yeah. No normalcy is on the plate for me.

Probably no transitioning either. Not in the current political climate.
 
Anxiety absolutely through the roof.

I'll boil some eggs just to do something else than boil in my anxiety.
 
I took a low dose of long effect ADHD med, because sometimes it helps the thought motor quiet down. If not, I have an idea about my next drawing: a symbolic image of the "fight/flight/freeze/fawn" autonomous nervous system responses.
 
Soon after getting up I had Google recommend to me some old photos of Nera. I cried. I love Heikki, he´s a wonderful pet, and I love that he´s his own animal; I live in a different pet aeon now. But I miss Nera´s warmth, her weight, how when I walked her people would look at her instead of me. The movement of walking by her side is still in my body, in my brain, in my memories. She won´t come back and she can´t be replaced. My grief is me honoring her unique life.

I had therapy. Sometimes sessions leave me feeling drained. This was one of those. It doesn´t mean it was a bad session, it just means my wounds were exposed and hurting.

Had a banana for breakfast and an egg, four almonds, and banana for lunch. I´ll make up for these meager meals once I get back from aqua jogging. I´m tempted to curl up under my weighted blanket but if I do, this emotion won´t go away.

I´ll keept the aqua jogging sesh short. 30 mins, even 15 is plenty in this headspace.
 
Made it to the pool. Horrid flashbacks from "conversion therapy" as a child. They will pass over like a storm. I am stronger than my abusers.
 
You know what guys?

I´m not safe in church. The political climate has been getting more and more hostile everywhere but in the church it´s notable. I love God but I can´t put myself through what people do and say in God´s name. It doesn´t mean I´m giving it up forever. But for now, for my own safety and sanity, I must do that with a heavy heavy heart.
 
Tried to draw. Can´t. I´m drained.

I did prep two bowls of spicy congee though, and put the dishwasher on.

I don´t think things will get better. I can´t see a way out. It really is only about survival from now on; dreams put on hold, time running lower and lower until out.
 
Huh.

The migraine disappeared almost instantly when I messaged my priest/ Ms Civilian Friend and told her I'll take a break from church and won't join her for a walk on Monday.

It's like finally giving up on transitioning and trying to live authentically and be accepted was the miracle drug. The ID change will happen but other than it, I'm done. All the pain isn't worth it. I'm safe alone. Only 40 more years to go.
 
I hope Ms. Friend will understand and have your back. Now is not forever and forever is a load of crap.
 
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