Floater's diary

Things that don't work smoothly will probably be just as interesting for therapy as perfect little masterpieces. Or maybe more so.
 
I hope you aren't coming down with something xoxo
 
Llama said:
Things that don't work smoothly will probably be just as interesting for therapy as perfect little masterpieces. Or maybe more so.
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Very true! I still managed to finish the assignment. I told my brain to switch off the critical voice and to just _produce_ what I needed to, no matter the quality. I'm happy with the end result. Done work is best work after all.
Cate said:
I hope you aren't coming down with something xoxo
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Looks like I was just hypervigilant, I feel fine now. Temps have been dropping and I still walk around with bare legs because I effing HATE pantyhoses and it's still too hot for leggings under skirts. I may need to start wearing leg warmers and meet reality halfway 😆❄️ "the cold never bothered me anyway"

Had half a leftover chicken breast, tossed the rest because it was like eating sawdust; also one boiled egg and two slices of buttered (untoasted) toast. I think I'll have an avocado and a handful of dried cherries for dessert, veg/fruit intake has been pretty low today other than bananas, which are better than no fruit of course, but still.
 
I haven't worn pantyhose for about 30 years. They're horrible. Mind you I don't wear dresses or skirts either.
I'm glad you're not getting sick. Do you usually have some citrus in your fridge? I have a honey & hot lemon drink every night before bed & don't usually catch a cold.
 
@Cate no citrus in my fridge right now, but I did have some tea and a multivitamin. Pantyhose are the devil, except for fishnets, they don't drag down, and any holes just add to the punk appeal. Not very useful for keeping warm though.

Hah, if someone runs across my diary I bet they are wondering why a trans guy would even bother with skirts. But they are superior in terms of comfort and ventilation. What I wore today was a short poofy cotton skirt with a "utility kilt" on top of it. Hiney was toasty, but not sweaty. 😆 Layers are magic 😆

Stressing out about tomorrow. Gonna update my support/service plan for autism assistance services. I'm starting to yawn though, so perhaps sleep will come.
 
I slept decently, if a bit off schedule. Breakfast: tomato soup, sourdough toast with salmon, an avocado. Gonna go for a walk and buy some more soup and protein drinks.

I found some dance leg warmers online that are up to the crotch. They cost 20e per pair, but if they fit me and stay up as intended, they would be a perfect solution for my hatred of pantyhose and would also last much longer, be warmer, and easier to repair.
 
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Two slices of bread with marg and bag parm that needed to be eaten.

EDIT: and an avocado.

I'm on the fence between getting up and hitting the gym, and taking a shower and hoping I'll sleep easily.

EDIT: definitely shower and sleep. Taking a double dose of my migraine prophylactic (it's allowed). Hopefully knocks me out.

EDIT: somehow still super hungry?! I'll have the rest of the gravlax. Instant ramen as well, if the fish doesn't help.
 
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Woke up with white lips because the temps have dropped; uninstalled the AC until next summer and closed the window it was connected to. Good bye, warm months. Heikki was awakened by the ruckus, so I allowed him to run around in the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth :3 (toilet lid always closed so he doesn't take a plunge).

Took my max dose on ADHD meds and had a big breakfast: a banana, two eggs, instant ramen. I have a busy day ahead and need my maximum focus.
 
Busy day ahead, just about to leave the house. Plan:
- drop a return package off at post
- library
- gym
- lunch at Taco Bell
- hairdresser
- hurry home, psychotherapy today is an online session because the therapist is out of town for a study thing

Yesterday I painted a portrait of my friend. I´ll give it to them the next time we meet. I think I need to muster up the courage to ask them about the state of their current relationship. When the time is right, I mean. I get the sense that they aren´t really happy and there´s some kind of chemistry between us. Of course I need to be mindful to not present my perceptions of their relationship as facts, rather just say that I notice there´s something going on with me internally and I need to get it out before it grows out of proportion.

Maybe I´ll just do it now. I have a feeling I can find the right words now.
 
They didn't feel the same but were flattered. I feel manlier for not keeping it inside somehow. At the gym!
 
I only ate half of the griller, it was gross somehow. Had my sides buzzed at the hairdresser, got home, showered, put the laundry machine on. Therapy in 40 mins. I´m gonna have a bowl of soup and a banana so I can focus on therapy!
 
Therapy done. Exhausted, I need to go lie down for a minute. Good session though but sometimes the best ones leave me feeling the shakiest. Two boiled eggs and a bowl of soup.
 
Anxiety through the roof. I hate tests. We did one during therapy. I messed it up. I know it was supposed to only measure positive traits but I hated it. I don't think I answered truthfully. I was terrified of picking the wrong things and bad consequenses happening. I am so fucking stupid. I said stupid things and didn't understand the assignment. I asked my therapist that can we please never make tests again. I don't want to go back next week. "Friendliness" as my core strength? I don't think so. I lied so much doing it, not out of malice, out of fear. I hate it.

Avocado and feta cheese. Need salt to replace what I've lost crying.
 
Ok son, back to reality.

I'm OK. The test brought something up, clearly. Whatever the root cause, it's real. Related to today's event, my feeling that something's permafucked is not real. It's a trauma response.

Having some dried cherries and taking my NSAIDs because a migraine is rolling in HARD.
 
Even reading about a psychological test made me feel nervous.
Floater said:
They didn't feel the same but were flattered. I feel manlier for not keeping it inside somehow.
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Well done, Arvo. You never know unless you ask. That took courage :)
 
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