Floater's diary

I feel ravenous for protein so I ordered wings. Granted they are fatty but I deserved a treat.
 
Fell sound asleep after eating the wings and slept until 10.30AM. Woke up rested, with DOMS from yesterday but that's the good kinda pain lol. Today is aqua jogging day.

Content warning: psychological abuse

In therapy, we have lately talked a bit about my third partner A, a psychiatric nurse whom I met in nursing school. Compared to previous partners he felt caring and good but he was psychologically manipulative and used my psychiatric diagnoses against me. It's weird how a person's perception can get so skewed by abuse that I trusted his opinion over mine. When we broke up he did something bad enough that it gave me amnesia for over a decade, and told me the next morning I had attacked him. Classically DARVOed.

A year ago, remembering this would have driven me into desperation. But now I understand that my strive to "be good" has made me incredibly easy to gaslight and abuse and I will probably always be easy to fool. But that's not WHY I have been manipulated so much, it's completely on the abusers.
 
Lunch: oatmeal with soy protein, sunflower seeds, and marg. Gonna go for a 30-min aqua jog after lunch and then do some food prep in the evening.
 
Making baked pollock with spinach and pesto and a side of gnocchi. Still debating whether to add smetana to the dish once it´s baked or not? I´ll decide later.

EDIT the pollock dish turned absolutely amazing! I´ll do this one again for sure!
 
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Tomato-mozzarella ravioli with tuna -definitely my new "samefood" for when I need a quick, semi sensible but tasty meal. I'll buy more ravioli tomorrow!
 
I think you have learned so much from your trauma & bad experiences to be a much better judge of character now. You saw through this guy recently before you got in too deep. Be proud of that, Arvo. I don't see you as being hard to fool at all. I think you're a smart cookie xoxo
 
Cate said:
I think you have learned so much from your trauma & bad experiences to be a much better judge of character now. You saw through this guy recently before you got in too deep. Be proud of that, Arvo. I don't see you as being hard to fool at all. I think you're a smart cookie xoxo
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Much appreciated, forum mom!

My relationship to my body has greatly improved. I still suffer from gender dysphoria, but it's less loud now that I'm leaner and more muscular. I can trust my hunger and what macros my body wants. I've stayed in the Goldilocks zone for almost 9 months now. It's nothing short of amazing. No bad injuries either, only a slightly irritated right elbow which probably has previous damage from playing the violin.

Snack: biltong and dried cherries.
 
Interesting: the trauma I mentioned earlier is clearly revving up my CNS so I can't sleep. I'll make coffee, have a banana and take half a dose of my ADHD meds. Then get dressed and go for a walk and buy microwave meals because this sleeplessness indicates I might process some hard emotions soon.

I do love my body though. It's been through so much and yet here we are.
 
Spent the day writing down my thoughts, doing some chores, and now I´m having a pollock and gnocchi dinner before running ot the city center to buy a hole puncher for my new goth belt that I picked in size XL out of habit and can´t return and change to a smaller size because a certain sentient lintball took a bite out of it lol. But the hole puncher will be useful for future DIY projects too, like making fleece hammocks for Master Lintball´s bigger cage. And if I end up losing a shit ton of weight on top of what I´ve already lost, the buckle side of the belt can be shortened by an express cobbler for cheap.
 
LOL at the sentient lintball but ouch on not being able to return the belt. Still: a hole puncher is probably a good idea.
 
Gym was good, did (among other things) DB flies with smaller weights this time to teach myself the proper form. That particular exercise gives me vertigo, which in my experience usually means something is "stuck" in my body, and keeping at it should at some point release that "stuckness". Verry scientific I know lol. /S Anyway, pretty happy with my form although, as always, I need to be vigilant about my hyperflexibility so I don't overextend.

Got my hole puncher, had a chicken griller & a protein drink after my workout, and petted a cat. All is well.

Oh and also reached out to old friends from early 2010s. There's one person in particular whom I'd love to reconnect with.
 
I put the hole puncher to good use. My only grievance is that if I wear the belt at the shortest possible setting, one of the rings hits the buckle and messes with the sound and rhythm of the belt; I´m pretty sure I´ll get used to it but it´s still a bit of a bummer. But hey: first of all, I wouldn´t have bought a belt too big unless my body had changed so dramatically over the last 9 months. And secondly, it´s better to get a belt too big because they can be made tighter but not longer, and with the belt being this big, I can now wear it higher or lower on my waist depending on what I´m wearing it with: for short skirts, wearing it on the hips will prevent the hem from rising up in wind etc, and for longer ones, wearing it on the waist will create a nicer looking waistline.

Look at me, getting all excited about clothing and style. I think it´s a sign that I´m on the mend. Both in terms of making the most of the body I have instead of the body I wish I had, and also, gender ambiguity is very goth so I´m happy.

I have cramps. I really, really hope I won´t start to menstruate. My Mirena hormonal IUD is about to turn 5 years old and should work as contraception for up to 8 years, but the second I´ll start to spot, I´ll get the money from somewhere and get a new one, no matter what the manufacturer says. But as this cramping pain and pressure is located on the right side of my abdomen, I´m fairly sure it could also be related to that myoma the gyno found last month. Best to not fret about it.
 
Snack: a banana, four Brazil nuts. Couldn't muster the brain power to cook or the muscle power to walk to the 24/7 grocery, so gonna lie down for a bit and see if sleep comes or if I need to raid my pantry.

Reminder to self to buy bread because otherwise I won't use up my lovely lemon pesto before it spoils. But I really do need to lie down for a minute.
 
Floater said:
Look at me, getting all excited about clothing and style. I think it´s a sign that I´m on the mend. Both in terms of making the most of the body I have instead of the body I wish I had, and also, gender ambiguity is very goth so I´m happy.
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Look at you indeed :) I think it is a very good sign xo
 
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