Floater's diary
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Floater
Well-known member
I feel sad.
The friend who arranged the date with the guy is now of the opinion that I´m overly dramatic and she can´t deal with me. The worst thing is that I feel the pull towards thinking that she must be right and I must be too crazy to know a good person from a bad one. It´s not like it´s her fault that the guy was a creep but she´s taking it personally. I did ask her today if she was the friend with whom the guy was supposed to go on a gig after our date and she said no, which I do believe.
I think that deep down I want to believe I´m the issue every time an interaction goes awry because that would mean that I could fix all of my issues through isolating myself from other people. But it´s psychologically taxing to think that way and it almost certainly makes my mental health issues worse.
Trauma is no excuse for bad behavior of course. But am I really behaving badly for freaking out about a man who clearly wasn´t mentally well or safe, no matter how he presents himself at a work setting? I´m scared and working through something I can´t quite understand yet.
The friend who arranged the date with the guy is now of the opinion that I´m overly dramatic and she can´t deal with me. The worst thing is that I feel the pull towards thinking that she must be right and I must be too crazy to know a good person from a bad one. It´s not like it´s her fault that the guy was a creep but she´s taking it personally. I did ask her today if she was the friend with whom the guy was supposed to go on a gig after our date and she said no, which I do believe.
I think that deep down I want to believe I´m the issue every time an interaction goes awry because that would mean that I could fix all of my issues through isolating myself from other people. But it´s psychologically taxing to think that way and it almost certainly makes my mental health issues worse.
Trauma is no excuse for bad behavior of course. But am I really behaving badly for freaking out about a man who clearly wasn´t mentally well or safe, no matter how he presents himself at a work setting? I´m scared and working through something I can´t quite understand yet.
Floater
Well-known member
You know what? I think I survived a level of disorganized conversion attempt.
Time to drop that "friend".
@Trusylver may I please ask you for your professional opinion about how to grow bigger lats and chest? For intermediate level body builders. Because let's face it: I'm no longer a beginner, in fact I'm a long term hobby athlete but with long breaks in between due to autistic burnout, so progress wasn't visible. But the groundwork was there and transitioning has given me purpose and willpower.
This forum has been a literal lifesaver and a compass to navigate out of my eating disorders. Getting sober was a byproduct of that. I'm successful because my connection to my body has improved so I can roughly track off my head for sustainable progress. Working out has become my greatest pleasure in life. It's amazing. Thank you friends.
Imagine this narrated in a male voice
Time to drop that "friend".
@Trusylver may I please ask you for your professional opinion about how to grow bigger lats and chest? For intermediate level body builders. Because let's face it: I'm no longer a beginner, in fact I'm a long term hobby athlete but with long breaks in between due to autistic burnout, so progress wasn't visible. But the groundwork was there and transitioning has given me purpose and willpower.
This forum has been a literal lifesaver and a compass to navigate out of my eating disorders. Getting sober was a byproduct of that. I'm successful because my connection to my body has improved so I can roughly track off my head for sustainable progress. Working out has become my greatest pleasure in life. It's amazing. Thank you friends.
Imagine this narrated in a male voice
Cate
Long term member
It sounds like it. I was ostracized by a group of "friends" as a teen because a guy was keen on me & they couldn't accept I didn't want to have him as my BF. I liked him. I just didn't fancy him. I was totally shunned. Friends like that no one needs.
I did/do xoImagine this narrated in a male voice
Floater
Well-known member
It sounds like it. I was ostracized by a group of "friends" as a teen because a guy was keen on me & they couldn't accept I didn't want to have him as my BF. I liked him. I just didn't fancy him. I was totally shunned. Friends like that no one needs.
I did/do xo
But also I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with mean people!
Dinner: two pesto and cheese sandwiches, one protein drink, three banana milk mochi.
Tomorrow I'll go grocery shopping. I'm thinking 1-2 rotisserie chickens depending on price and whether I believe I can eat them within three days (yes, with my current activity level). I'll also get protein drinks, they are pricey but I need a lot of protein now.
I also won't need nicotine spray because I aim for hypertrophy now. I don't need to bulk for real because I still have fat to convert to energy, but I need to eat a lot of the right things to make sure my body can repair and rebuild proper.
Floater
Well-known member
Breakfast: a banana. Lunch: tomato and black bean soup with two marinated eggs.
One of my favorite autism assistance workers had an appointment with me this morning and we went to get me a rotisserie chicken. I know it might be a little bit silly to rank the workers like that but she just has a personality and vibe that I find very grounding and helpful. She was also present when Nera crossed over. Anyway, I told her that I have understood something important about myself that I would not have realized without getting autism assistance in the first place. I am certain that I fit in the "PDA" profile of autism, known currently as "pathological demand avoidance" but it´s often referred to "persistent desire for autonomy" by peers and professionals. She said she agrees; the shoe fits.
Labels are just labels but when I look at my life in light of PDA a lot of things make sense. I fit the traits: I have apparently better social skills than most autistics, but my understanding of social dynamics is still quite out there. I struggle with authority figures because my brain just can´t comprehend the idea that someone is ranked higher than me; it´s not disrespect, my brain just isn´t wired in a way that would intuitively "get" social hierarchies. Even as a child I would often get into arguments with teachers and such if they said something I knew or thought was wrong. I can accept social scripts and put my needs for autonomy aside for the purpose of following a script, but the stress from doing this is immense and leads to strange behaviors from the stress later on. And I gladly accept "roles" as a way to hold on to my sense of undisturbed autonomy while doing something that requires fitting in.
I can´t be anyone else than who I am. My strangely wired brain often makes me present and behave in ways that most of humanity struggles to understand and accept. But there´s no malice behind my behavior. I hate the idea of being in control of people as vehemently as I hate being controlled myself. I´m not difficult, I´m just a free spirit. Of course some difficult people claim the same but, well, you know.
I love that it´s autumn. The witches´ spring.
One of my favorite autism assistance workers had an appointment with me this morning and we went to get me a rotisserie chicken. I know it might be a little bit silly to rank the workers like that but she just has a personality and vibe that I find very grounding and helpful. She was also present when Nera crossed over. Anyway, I told her that I have understood something important about myself that I would not have realized without getting autism assistance in the first place. I am certain that I fit in the "PDA" profile of autism, known currently as "pathological demand avoidance" but it´s often referred to "persistent desire for autonomy" by peers and professionals. She said she agrees; the shoe fits.
Labels are just labels but when I look at my life in light of PDA a lot of things make sense. I fit the traits: I have apparently better social skills than most autistics, but my understanding of social dynamics is still quite out there. I struggle with authority figures because my brain just can´t comprehend the idea that someone is ranked higher than me; it´s not disrespect, my brain just isn´t wired in a way that would intuitively "get" social hierarchies. Even as a child I would often get into arguments with teachers and such if they said something I knew or thought was wrong. I can accept social scripts and put my needs for autonomy aside for the purpose of following a script, but the stress from doing this is immense and leads to strange behaviors from the stress later on. And I gladly accept "roles" as a way to hold on to my sense of undisturbed autonomy while doing something that requires fitting in.
I can´t be anyone else than who I am. My strangely wired brain often makes me present and behave in ways that most of humanity struggles to understand and accept. But there´s no malice behind my behavior. I hate the idea of being in control of people as vehemently as I hate being controlled myself. I´m not difficult, I´m just a free spirit. Of course some difficult people claim the same but, well, you know.
I love that it´s autumn. The witches´ spring.
Floater
Well-known member
Aqua jogged for 30 mins to not aggravate my migraine and got SOAKED in the rain on my way home despite wearing a waterproof jacket and shoes; the rainfall was so heavy that it just sneaked inside from whatever crack it could find.
Dinner: a portion of chicken, a banana, a bowl of tomato and black bean soup.
Dinner: a portion of chicken, a banana, a bowl of tomato and black bean soup.
You know what? I think I survived a level of disorganized conversion attempt.
Time to drop that "friend".
@Trusylver may I please ask you for your professional opinion about how to grow bigger lats and chest? For intermediate level body builders. Because let's face it: I'm no longer a beginner, in fact I'm a long term hobby athlete but with long breaks in between due to autistic burnout, so progress wasn't visible. But the groundwork was there and transitioning has given me purpose and willpower.
This forum has been a literal lifesaver and a compass to navigate out of my eating disorders. Getting sober was a byproduct of that. I'm successful because my connection to my body has improved so I can roughly track off my head for sustainable progress. Working out has become my greatest pleasure in life. It's amazing. Thank you friends.
Imagine this narrated in a male voice
What does your current routine look like ? for building size rather than max strength your looking at moderate reps and moderate high weight with an emphasis on time under tension. hitting upper, middle and lower fibres for both pec major and lats. While these muscles don't have different distinct heads like biceps or triceps, fibres in differing parts of the muscle are active more in some movements. Having well developed traps will also give you a more masculine appearance.
Floater
Well-known member
My routine is alternating gym and the pool for four days, followed by one rest day. For the summer when I was losing weight I did everything in 3x10 reps, but I could increase the weights a bit and do 3x6. Does this sound sensible?
For upper body targeting stuff specifically I do lat pulldowns with alternate grips, low rows, bench press, and different stuff with dumbbells depending on how my joints are feeling on each day. I enjoy gorilla rows but my right elbow sometimes gets aggravated from them although I check my form. My trap situation is looking good, I naturally pack mass in them easily and have that X shape. I guess deadlifts are somewhat good for lat development as well? Haven't done those in a while, I focused on machines while I was losing weight to prevent injury.
About my gym routine in general - I'm sure that a stricter routine might yield better results, but I kinda need to wing it sometimes to balance with joint and migraine issues. Also anxiety - if the gym is full, I do a shorter workout, if I'm alone in there, I do a longer one. But I know that even pros have days when they don't feel strong.
I'll focus on what you said about "time under tension". It's easier for my brain to pick one thing and that will remind me to keep my focus on the sensation of the movement across the muscle while working out
