"Great! I really am insane"
Well, that makes me insane too as I read your last post twice & thought "Great. Go for it!" You can change your future, Arvo xoxo
Thank you forum mom! I believe I can make this work!
I mentioned it to a friend a few days ago and she had someone in mind. I don´t want to get excited too early but the way my co-worker described him sounded kind and stable. It doesn´t have to be this guy, but I have to start somewhere.
Isn´t my whole reason for having started this diary to improve my relationship with the body I was born with? It doesn´t need to reflect my gender identity. It´s also not outside the realm of possibility that transitioning physically to some degree, likely without hormones, would be possible after my body has done it´s biological functions, would not bother my potential partner.
In my current state, I should be capable to bring a child to the world, I am a very considerate partner, yes I am mentally ill but I put a lot of work in my mental health. I´m not a moocher for being realistic about my capability to work a job - but I have skills to raise a healthy, happy, balanced child because I have always been interested in what I´ve missed my whole life.
I have a fragility to myself that´s not a moral fault but a result of deep trauma. It has made me wiser though.
The guy I mentioned is Chinese, by the way. I see an intercultural relationship as a wonderful possibility. Someone living in a foreign culture is more likely to be open-minded and chalk up some of my strangeness as culture differences. And stay-at-home-parenting is more of a cultural norm there, afaik, than it is in Finland otherwise. My friend specifically mentioned, that he is looking for a stay at home spouse. The fact that I can see multiple positive aspects to this date that _might_ improve our chances, including that our Chinese horoscope signs are highly compatible, is a sign that my imagination and focus are getting back from the darkness of my history and back into the many possibilities in my future. I am University educated to a Master´s degree, I can play the violin and do art, I like a quiet life, I am unconventional in my personality but not in my values.
I want a family and I can get one. I can´t work, but I have my disability benefit, of course it will be reduced if I cohabit or marry, but it will help. In the meanwhile I like my home clean and tidy and I´m a good cook who understands about nutrition.
I can either waste my time trying to achieve a body I would feel at home in, or I can try to make myself a home I feel at home in.
