Floater's diary

Protein drink.

I have gyno tomorrow. Feeling really nervous about it, as you can imagine. Just going to check


if my IUD is in place and what my cervix looks like,

and obviously, despite my new life goal, it does feel awkward to go in there. But it´s important to get it done and I can rest later.

I have some joint pain from the gym but nothing too bad.

Probably won´t be able to sleep tonight but it´s OK!
 
Jesus fucking Christ I hate what I have to put myself and my body through in order to have a chance at happiness. But I guess that people sell their bodies and time in different ways, either it´s labor in the workplace or labor at home.

I know that the chance of a potential partner ever accepting my future transitioning is slimmer than a weed. But I´ve been stuck in my life for the past three years and I can´t stand this either.

Does it make me a diet prostitute to have... This... for a life plan?
 
I had gyno yesterday. They found a myoma I need to have re-checked in early 2024. It shouldn´t be dangerous unless it starts to grow and press on my innards and it shouldn´t affect potential pregnancies. The gyno didn´t show any judgement when I asked about that. Perhaps it´s time for me to grow out of the psychiatric services. They can´t help someone like me. My complex trauma won´t heal with medications, I have talk therapy and I need to live my life in order to make new memories to balance out the bad old ones.

I´m gonna hit the gym tonight. I will never get to transition but I still have time to find a partner who can support me materially while I support them mentally and do my best to give them progeny. I know how to do that. I was raised to please cis men.

I´m giving up my dreams to have a chance at happiness. Isn´t that funny?
 
Went to the gym. Felt weak. But I did it. Now: home, clean Heikki's cage, start a convo with the friend of a friend who's looking for a SAHS.
 
Feeling a little less like a Victorian bride-to-be after talking to the guy. He's almost certainly an aspie as well! I see this as a big positive🥰
 
Breakfast: meatballs.

I´m still too drained to cook properly, so I´ll go buy more convenience meals later tonight when it´s not raining as hard as now
 
I don´t feel like eating, but I will eat a banana and some store-bought chicken.

I really need to get a rotissery chicken soon, just haven´t gotten around to buying one in months.

Heikki had a horrible playtime tonight because I was a monster and put lotion on his ears. He hates it! But his ears were getting dry again and it´s not good for them - worst case scenario, they might even crack from dryness. Now the ears look pretty but the man is covered in lotion because of course he rubs it off and into his fur the minute I release him. He´ll get a dust bath tomorrow.
 
Llama said:
How do wild chillas deal with dry ears?
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They probably don´t get to dust bathe as much as they do in captivity, and I imagine if they get dry ears they will just split and crack? They don´t need to worry about their appearances after all.

Speaking about wild vs domestic animals - I have no idea how but Heikki has grown one long toenail I call his coke nail. Chinchilla´s nails shouldn´t grow at all really, and I originally planned to just leave it be, but it´s getting freaky long so I probably need to figure out a safe way to cut it. But for that, I need someone to hold him so he doesn´t wiggle and get hurt. Children...!
 
Feeling happy. The guy I'm going on a date with did check if I'm AFAB which is fine, and made a point of sticking to masc compliments. Maybe me seeking affirmation for my gender identity via the clinic route was folly to begin with - but something good came out of it anyway. I'm going to strive for happiness in this body, it's not reflective of my identity but it is a reflection of my habits and emotions. Not that there's anything wrong with HRT and surgeries! But I can be met as myself without them, that's cool beans 🥰
 
Striving for happiness is a good thing. Being met as the real you is very important xo
:eek: to cutting Heikki's toenail. I'm such a sook.
 
Cate said:
Striving for happiness is a good thing. Being met as the real you is very important xo
Click to expand...
💐
Cate said:
:eek: to cutting Heikki's toenail. I'm such a sook.
Click to expand...
I knowww, I'm scared! But it doesn't seem to bother him so dealing with it isn't urgent. I'm gathering courage to get it done.

Another sleepless night. Had two bananas for breakfast and took my ADHD meds because I'm not going to sleep tonight anyway. Going to rest a bit, psychotherapy at noon.
 
Dysphoria is probably the worst it's been since January. Idk if it's the insomnia or the upcoming date. Or psychotherapy.

I just wish I could quit everything and start over
 
If only life was a video game, with as many practice runs as we want until we know exactly what character stats and playstyle suit us best.
 
Oh right I had a coconut chicken soup for lunch and now having tomato soup and a banana for dinner.

IDK if I´ll hit the gym tonight or not. On one hand routine is important but on the other I´m really really tired and sleep deprived.

I´ll pick up a package from the post first and decide afterwards
 
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