Floater's diary

Fell asleep at 5AM, woke up at 2PM with a horrible migraine. Going to the gym today but keeping it easy.
 
Breakfast: minced beef, beans & corn, protein smoothie.
 
Made some homemade chocolate jelly, and a batch of vegan protein drink with oats, hemp seeds, chia seeds, pea protein, soy protein isolate and a pinch of salt, sugar, vanilla & matcha. Having a cup of the stuff now and heading to the gym.
 
Gym was good. Except some guys came to lurk around when I was doing adductions and IDK if I was just paranoid but... IDK. I try to not think about it. I´m crazy and stupid so they were probably laughing at something else. Had another portion of the protein drink in the locker room. Now at home having beef, beans & corn.

Tomorrow is rest day & food prep day.
 
Snack: home-made chocolate mousse. Turned out great. I´ll definitely buy more vegegel. This way I can enjoy sweet desserts but make them healthier and less sickeningly sweet. East Asian desserts often fit this bill. For the chocolate mousse I used 0,75dl of sugar to 2 dl water, 2 dl coffee, and 250g of mascarpone cheese. Three heaping spoonfuls of cacao powder, a bit of vanilla, and a sprinkle of salt. And on the bottom of each individual portion is a layer of soy flakes, cacao nibs, crushed pecans and smoked salt. Topped everything with roasted coconut flakes and I´d say it´s not only a tasty but a sensible snack as well.

Feeling antsy. Might go for a late night walk once I´ve eaten.

EDIT: also had 5dl of home-made protein drink.
 
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No sleep. 8 falafels. If I'm still hungry after 25 mins I'll have cottage cheese

EDIT: 200g of cottage cheese
 
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Fell asleep at 7AM, woke up at 2.30 PM. As long as I'm getting enough hours of sleep, I won't complain about the times of day I'm sleeping. Breakfast: three scrambled eggs, bowl of pineapple, black coffee.
 
Prepped four portions of high protein high fiber meals out of 600g of chicken fillet, 1 pack of bacon cut into strips, four stalks of celery, a tetrapack of kidney beans, and 200g of frozen peas. Seasoned with ras el hanout, jalopeno sauce, white pepper, soy sauce and a bit of roasted sesame oil. They are chilling in the fridge to let the flavors settle a bit.

Snack: a cup of coffee, a portion of jelly, 5dl of homemade vegan protein drink.
 
ew annoying, the chicken turned rubbery, but having a portion of the chicken bacon thing I made earlier EDIT and a pear
 
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Still hungry so 8 falafels. I need to buy more of these, they are delish. After I´ve eaten I´ll go for a walk. There´s heavy rain, I´ll put on my shaggy boots. At home I´ll probably have 200g of cottage cheese and then try to sleep.

Oh and also had a little bit of jerky and a little bit of dried cherries when I was packing myself snacks for tomorrow.
 
I wrote one chapter of my book yay! It was pretty decent too! Now out for a walk and then I need to start getting ready for the dentist...!
 
Thanks forum mom <3

Lol I forgot to eat the falafels when writing took over me. Having them now with 0,5 dl of homemade choccy protein drink. Walk was nice. It´s really humid outside and when I went out at first I was super cold but got overheated in my rain jacket! Went to the 24/7 grocery and got tofu, grated cheese, bread cheese, brie, instant coffee for protein drinks and two Red Bulls. The mist in the nightless night was gorgeous.

It´s fine for me to withdraw myself from the world for a while and focus on writing. Solitude has done me good. I can handle my body looking like this for now because I have a great therapist. I will change my boundaries with the autism assistance personnel because in hindsight, having male workers comment on my body and offer me neck rubs and such is unacceptable. They probably have a lot of clients for whom they are the only source of social interaction. But it makes it even more important that they understand the inherent power dynamics of their profession. I am under their care and me experiencing psychological distress due to their behavior is antithetical to their existence as professionals.

Too much trauma in my life for anyone to take. There´s a real possibility that transitioning won´t happen ever or at least not in this decade. So I need to focus on what I can do and keep hope alive. The better I´m doing physically and psychologically, the better my chances.
 
Dental hygienist went well, she said my teeth were well cared for and an easy job. Went aqua jogging afterwards, only 45 mins this time because I didn't sleep a wink. Had choccy protein drink and some nuts, cherries & jerky, will finish the dry goods at home, I need to get to my bed and have a crash nap!
 
So weird. I fell asleep at around 8PM and woke up at 11PM and while I´m physically dog-tired, inside I have this strange calm, I´m still worn out by the trauma I went through at the trans clinic but somehow the emotions aren´t as painful and hard to bear anymore? I think I´m starting to understand that this wasn´t my fault just like my childhood trauma isn´t my fault. The system, the world, sometimes things suck but it doesn´t mean that life only always sucks, if you know what I mean? I experienced and witnessed something important and even though I´m not sure what to do with it just yet, something good may yet come out of it.

Going to start with my last portion of dessert and then see what I´ll have next.
 
Had some "bread cheese" (a Finnish dish) and 5 dl of choccy protein drink with a bit of honey and instant coffee mixed in because I can feel a migraine incoming and caffeine seems to be helpful.

Feeling very very tired! I hope I´ll get a good night´s sleep!
 
Floater said:
Feeling very very tired! I hope I´ll get a good night´s sleep!
Click to expand...
🤞 So do I xo
 
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