Floater's diary

LaMaria said:
Have you tried rerouting the idea of oil sliding into your system to watching it nourish your skin, nerves, brain, and cell membranes?
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That's an excellent idea, thank you :grouphug:

Also, I'm sure you are right about the water retention thing and how it doesn't show as much as it feels.
 
Snack: four kiwifruit. (I'm glad I got around to eating them, peeling them is such a hassle and I hate the scooping out technique!)

I kind of want to go to the gym but I don't think today is right for that. My anxiety is pretty high. I have no plans for tomorrow, so I can go at any point; besides, it's Friday tomorrow, so there's probably less people at the gym... I'll see.
 
Dinner: fish balls and pumpkin-quinoa-lentil mix. I'll definitely skip the gym and go tomorrow instead. I'm not in the mindset to go, and as @LaMaria said, tomorrow night will be nice and quiet for that.
 
I just had two slices of rye bread with cheese and a short effect ADHD med, because I want to give myself a side cut and refresh my dye tonight and I don't want to muck it up. It's going to help me get to the gym tomorrow (always easier if I feel like I look OK).

Hmm. I haven't been very active today but not sedentary either, I've done chores and walked the dog. My portion sizes have been pretty small so I might have to eat something before bed, maybe leftover rice and tuna? I do kind of hope that the med will kill my appetite but it's these kinds of thoughts I have to be extra aware of. Besides, not eating enough while medicating is a certain appetite for jitters and heartburn so I'll try my best to listen to my body.
 
You deserve nourishment no matter what, but on top of that your muscles aren't going to grow without it!
 
LaMaria said:
You deserve nourishment no matter what, but on top of that your muscles aren't going to grow without it!
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Well, that's certainly true. Thanks. :3

I had a brief moment of panic when I remembered that once at the trans clinic, if my karyotype turns out to be anything but XX during the chromosomal testing phase, I won't get the treatments via public sector (which is i-di-o-tic, but I don't make the rules). Statistically, an unlikely thing, especially as I have functioning ovaries and a uterus, but I feel bad for people who never find out about their differing karyotype and then get stonewalled by that arbitrary rule.

I alleviated the panic by calling a helpline, taking a nice shower and joking to myself that if it turns out I have a chromosomal anomaly I just have to join every dating app in Finland and look for a sugar daddy who's into the idea of build-a-boyfriend. Much like the snowman song from Frozen. (Humor doesn't get much darker really; a lot of trans folks who live in countries without public healthcare really do have to rely on sex work to pay for the treatments. It's a fucking travesty, really.)

I do feel okay again, though. And I'll eat some tuna and rice before bed.
 
I hate it when my brain starts throwing out outlandish scenarios to keep me awake and freaked out...
And it is indeed a travesty (pun not intended) that trans people basically get forced into sex work in some countries because they're deemed unacceptable in any other professional area, only to then have their "immorality" thrown in their faces as an excuse for why they shouldn't get accepted as people or given needed healthcare.
 
@LaMaria spot on.

Yay, got some cold rice, peas and tuna down and it was definitely the right decision. Starting to feel a bit droopy already. I wonder to what extent my sleep issues have to do with skipping meals... Whoops.
 
It's good to have a lighter meal at night, but I can't sleep if I'm hungry. Take good care of yourself Floater xo
 
Thanks @Cate !

I spoke too soon though, this seems to be a sleepless night anyway. Luckily I have no appointments tomorrow, the apartment is clean and tidy, laundry has been done... So I'll do my best to get some sleep whenever it pleases to arrive, and take things easy tomorrow.
 
Breakfast: four slices of rye bread with tuna and cheese, toasted. I checked out the stats of the bread and one slice is only 46 kcal, no wonder I have felt a bit hungry.
 
OK, I got it. Today isn't gym day, tomorrow is gym day. Today is grocery shopping day and writing day. I feel a compulsion to write and that sensation hasn't been here since last September, so I'll follow it! First I'll go get groceries and then get right to business!
 
LaMaria said:
Grab that writing urge by the horns!
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It didn't happen after all. I walked by a mirror, saw myself naked, and decided I won't get groceries or write today. I'll walk to the gym and back and eat what scraps I have. I have only six days until my next weigh in and I want to be down 1 kg at LEAST because I'm clearly still carrying water weight. I have to prioritize fixing this disgusting, fucking mess that is my body and higher pursuits come after that.

I gave myself a side buzz and it looks pretty nice. I left a death hawk style long part above the ear but I might buzz it off later. Didn't want to cut off anything I wasn't absolutely sure has to go.

Which reminds me, I wonder if needle rolling or superficial scarring might fade my stretch marks? I feel like they are something a man simply should not have, and I don't want to use Ehlers Danlos as an excuse.
 
I´m so sorry your body distresses you but it´s not disgusting, I promise. Your new haircut sounds great and speaking as someone who sees a lot of bodies for a living plenty of men have stretch marks. I´d almost say men are more inclined to get stretch marks if they gain weight quickly because their tighter connective tissue doesn´t give them as much elasticity. Of course that´s more true for men who don´t gain most of their weight in their stomach area, because there the abs stretching over the belly take away some of the strain.
 
I hear you. I regret many of the choices I´ve made and the consequences they´ve had for my body. And if it had any constructive effect I´d be right there with you, bashing myself all day. But it doesn´t help. You can´t change the past and you can´t hate yourself into something you can love. The only thing you can do is treat yourself better today and work toward your current goal until you can (re)build trust in yourself.
:grouphug: I´m sorry things suck today.
 
I cried for a while. Then I reminded myself that while I'm my highest weight ever now, I'm not as big as I think I am. Then I reminded myself that I had stria scars even when I was anorexic, because I literally get them from straining myself, and they are not going to go away, just like the piezogenic papulae on my hands and feet are never going to go away. Then I reminded myself that testosterone thickens the skin. So it's even possible that this issue will be alleviated once I get on T.

It's funny how ready I am to blame myself for something I can't really biologically effect without medical intervention. I called a helpline and talked everything out, and the guy on the other side told me pretty much what you did, that it's kind of unproductive for myself to blame myself for hormonal and genetic factors that I have no control over. He also said that I sound like I'm determined and know what I need to be able to live a happy life.

I used the phone call as a distraction to make myself oatmeal, 2 dl of frozen peas, and a protein shake. I know I'll be gagging them down, but I can't go to the gym without eating anything. I get a really strong sense of control from not grocery shopping, though. I wonder if I could make it until benefits day in 3.6. without spending any money? Theoretically, if I only eat unpleasant things, wouldn't that help me to get a sense of control and virtue? I used to do that. It's certainly an option. Once a person is hungry enough, plain macaroni tastes like heaven.
 
Also, I'm sorry for coming across as such a bitchy, whiny crybaby all the time. It's like having a depression demon whispering in my ear how I'll never look good or even human. Protein shake and oatmeal have now been consumed, only peas to go. The idea about not grocery shopping might not even be as stupid as it may sound. I have food in the house, not food I'd love to have but I can take this as a challenge to get rid of stuff I wouldn't otherwise eat and that might go to waste.
 
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