I´m so sorry that happened. Glad your friend understood though. By the way: are those 0.5 l beers? Because I´d be dead after 6 of those in a row... I do have good memories of drinking Lapin Kulta on a sunny rock by the Finnish Gulf.
Floater's diary
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Floater
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I paced myself, drank them in 6 hours, but yes they were 0,5 l ones. I know it's cringe. Not Lapin Kulta though - I'm glad you enjoyed it, but I can't stand it.
Floater
Well-known member
OH SHOOT I should have explained that the party was supposed to start at ¤PM because it's Eurovision final day; so when I was doing my make-up at 11, I had my first beer, and so on and and so forth, trying to gather up the courage to go which I eventually failed at. So no, I didn't guzzle 3 liters of beer in one sitting.
Sounds a lot more enjoyable that way! Also: I can´t even remember the last time I had a beer so I wouldn´t know what I´d enjoy right now. Past couple of years I´ve pretty much only had Czech and Japanese beer.
Floater
Well-known member
Sake, while not beer, is DIVINE. It's so flavorful and interesting. Other alcoholic drinks that I drink for the taste are rose wine, a smoky whiskey, and a very clear and crisp vodka. Beer is for fun and, uh, in my low points, for sustenance. I like hoppy, bitter beers but always steer away from dark ones, they just gross me out.
Getting ready to go to bed soon. I think the whole trans thing just draws me dry, everyone has been so wonderful, I´´m so grateful, I have such good friends. But I feel very naked and bare. It will get better, though. The love and respect I've gotten is proof of that.
Dark beer tastes a bit like coffee to me, which I don't like. I can't take a lot of alcohol anymore; it makes my allergies and general inflammation issues worse. Over time I've started liking the taste less as well, which makes it easier.
You've stripped away all your defenses and exposed the real you to the world. That must feel very vulnerable. How wonderful that the reaction has been so positive though!
Floater
Well-known member
@Cate 
@LaMaria
It's a wonderful morning. I walked the dog and accidentally scared a poor family of fieldfares. The brave parent bird swooped down to harass Nera away, but she didn't pay any attention to the bird, and no one was harmed. We saw a baby bird trying to fly away awkwardly like a noisy little dust ball. It's wild that the babies are big enough to fly already!
I went and bought a croissant for breakfast. I should clean up a bit today...
@LaMaria It's a wonderful morning. I walked the dog and accidentally scared a poor family of fieldfares. The brave parent bird swooped down to harass Nera away, but she didn't pay any attention to the bird, and no one was harmed. We saw a baby bird trying to fly away awkwardly like a noisy little dust ball. It's wild that the babies are big enough to fly already!
I went and bought a croissant for breakfast. I should clean up a bit today...
Floater
Well-known member
Thank you, felt good to hear that especially as I don't feel very skillful. I had to take sedatives to be able to eat. I also feel really stressed out and horrible about drinking on Saturday, I think it messed up with my neurochemistry. I called a helpline and they said I sound really harsh on myself. Rationally I know it's true, but tell that to my internalized guilt and shame...
But you knew that would help and you did it, rather than telling yourself you should be able to white-knuckle it.
Having to figure out what you need when growing up without a lot of support from your family, while being bombarded with societal "should" messages would be excruciatingly hard even for a hypothetical "average" person who has lots of other people to compare notes with. You deserve to be so proud of what you've accomplished.
Floater
Well-known member
@Cate @LaMaria
It's funny though - not haha funny, but strange funny - how when something traumatizing happens to a person, young or older, guilt about what happened and shame about who you feel you've become are the hardest parts to deal with. At least for me. I couldn't eat in the evening and went to sleep early, then woke up at 5 and had to call a helpline. During the call I had a small bowl of oatmeal and a cup of tea, went back to sleep around 7, and slept until 10 AM, took the dog out and am now boiling eggs.
I remember my old therapist mentioning when I showed her my old drawings from when I was in middle school and she said she thought she saw a lot of anger in them. I flinched like a dog and went, no no, I'm not angry! That's not who I am! But the truth is, I am pretty angry about the injustices and abuse I faced as a kid for something I had no control over. I would be a robot if I wasn't. The anger keeps coming back now that I feel like I'm on the precipice of finally getting somewhere. Which makes sense, because anger is a dynamic force in us. But I can tell I'm in fight mode because the idea of eating makes me sick...
Which is why I decided to make myself the most boring and tasteless foods imaginable, boiled eggs and potatoes. Today is not the day to worry about veggie intake, I need to get some carbs and proteins in and worry about the details later.
@LaMaria It's funny though - not haha funny, but strange funny - how when something traumatizing happens to a person, young or older, guilt about what happened and shame about who you feel you've become are the hardest parts to deal with. At least for me. I couldn't eat in the evening and went to sleep early, then woke up at 5 and had to call a helpline. During the call I had a small bowl of oatmeal and a cup of tea, went back to sleep around 7, and slept until 10 AM, took the dog out and am now boiling eggs.
I remember my old therapist mentioning when I showed her my old drawings from when I was in middle school and she said she thought she saw a lot of anger in them. I flinched like a dog and went, no no, I'm not angry! That's not who I am! But the truth is, I am pretty angry about the injustices and abuse I faced as a kid for something I had no control over. I would be a robot if I wasn't. The anger keeps coming back now that I feel like I'm on the precipice of finally getting somewhere. Which makes sense, because anger is a dynamic force in us. But I can tell I'm in fight mode because the idea of eating makes me sick...
Which is why I decided to make myself the most boring and tasteless foods imaginable, boiled eggs and potatoes. Today is not the day to worry about veggie intake, I need to get some carbs and proteins in and worry about the details later.
Floater
Well-known member
I had a pita bread with guac, cherry tomatoes, cheese, and mock chicken for lunch, and oatmeal for dinner. I ran some errands and bought cheap cheese and sausages... I just have no appetite so for now, "orange" foods are what's necessary.
I definitely notice that I have a harder time eating towards the ed of the month when money's tight. Maybe my monkey brain tells me to focus on calorie dense stuff because I'm scared of running out of money? Don't know. But yeah, stress is an appetite killer. At least I've walked 10-ish km today and cleaned the apartment for an hour as well, so that's a decent amount of light exercise. Still gotta take the dog for her evening walkies, so that's a plus too.
I definitely notice that I have a harder time eating towards the ed of the month when money's tight. Maybe my monkey brain tells me to focus on calorie dense stuff because I'm scared of running out of money? Don't know. But yeah, stress is an appetite killer. At least I've walked 10-ish km today and cleaned the apartment for an hour as well, so that's a decent amount of light exercise. Still gotta take the dog for her evening walkies, so that's a plus too.