Floater's diary

Eesh, I just hopped on the scale (gathered my courage and just did it) and I'm at my heaviest ever. Not putting numbers here because I know it's likely to make me spiral. But at the same time I feel kind of relieved, because I no longer need to second guess my weight. And of course I've eaten and drank today.

I'll take a walk to the kiosk now and get a package of running shoes. I'll weigh myself again tomorrow morning on an empty stomach and then make a realistic plan for losing the excess while not starting to spiral back into an active ED.
 
I'm sure I don't have to tell you to mention it to your assistants as well. I have faith in your ability to treat yourself better than you used to, if only because the body you are caring for is the future and no longer just painful baggage.
 
LaMaria said:
I'm sure I don't have to tell you to mention it to your assistants as well. I have faith in your ability to treat yourself better than you used to, if only because the body you are caring for is the future and no longer just painful baggage.
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I definitely will tell them. I plan to share all my weigh-ins with them, too. Goes without saying that for acceptance to the trans clinic, one's BMI and eating habits need to be in the healthy range, so I'll need to focus on that.

Thank you :grouphug:
 
OK, now I've calmed down enough to elaborate a bit.

I think I had such a peak in anxiety because tomorrow is my Big Day and I'll ask to be referred to the trans clinic. Another was finding out I'm heavier than I thought and getting obsessed with the numbers. I found out the guidelines for getting testosterone and mastectomy, and the weight limits for mastectomy especially are theoretically super tight (the idea being that unless the body is already low in bbody fat, the end result is not necessarily aesthetically pleasing, which in one hand I understand but it also ounds a lot like "fuck you if you are ugly"). In practicality, testo comes first and helps in losing weight; and it's going to be a year or more before I even get to the testosterone stage in the treatments, so I have PLENTY of time to make small adjustments for lasting effects.

So, basically, I had a huge crying fit and called a helpline and they reminded me that the process is so slow that I can get my weight in control before the testosterone starts, and for most trans men weight loss becomes considerably easier after testosterone changes the base metabolism, helps build muscle, and so on and so forth. I was also bellyaching about loose skin (which to be honest is probably not a problem I will be having, but I was in full catastrophe mode) and the helpline person said that I shouldn't obsess about that theoretical possibility and even if I'm left with a belly pouch, that can also be operated on if it's actually _bad_. (Now I'm veering into dark humor, but being poor, at least I know how I'm going to spend my inheritance once my parents eventually croak it: paying off my student loans and getting surgery.)
 
:grouphug: I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling, my friend. I know those moments where the anxiety just spirals out of control and everything suddenly seems impossibly hard and it SUCKS. Great work taking the initiative to call the helpline: their staff clearly knows what they're doing. You're a very capable guy and you know how to organize help when you need it: I think you've got this.
 
LaMaria said:
:grouphug: I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling, my friend. I know those moments where the anxiety just spirals out of control and everything suddenly seems impossibly hard and it SUCKS. Great work taking the initiative to call the helpline: their staff clearly knows what they're doing. You're a very capable guy and you know how to organize help when you need it: I think you've got this.
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:grouphug: Thank you.

I also crowdsourced a FTM trans masc group, and it turns out that it's pretty arbitrary whether the BMI guidelines are actually applied or not; some guys have gotten treatments despite being considerably obese, some were denied despite being within the limits, most remarked that things like musculature and build play a big role in the whole thing. So, it basically depends on weather and the doctor's moods. It's still a huge relief, because according to my latest body composition measurement, my non-fat body weight is 75 kg, and because I'm only 161 cm tall, I would have to have a fat percentage of zero to fit into the BMI requirement.
 
Having a lot of lean mass will probably help with that musculature and build thing though, won´t it? Provided the weather is nice and the doctor isn´t feeling their hemorrhoids too much...
 
LaMaria said:
Having a lot of lean mass will probably help with that musculature and build thing though, won´t it? Provided the weather is nice and the doctor isn´t feeling their hemorrhoids too much...
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Haha :D Yes, I think I have very nice building blocks to become a nice-looking, albeit short bloke. Rugby player realness?

For future reference, let us all pray for auspicious weather, gentle winds, and a doctor whose fiber intake and bowel mobility are regular and pleasant upon the day of my entrance to the clinic. :D :D
 
Kudos to you for turning around a meltdown into humour. Life is such a rollercoaster, but it helps if we can find some humour along the way. The person on that helpline is invaluable. I really admire people who can provide that level of support.
 
GREAT NEWS!!!

My psychiatrist promised to write me a referral to the trans clinic and she was super respectful and nonchalant about it. The matter-of-fact voice she used when she clarified "so you are a man?" felt SO GOOD. I took a walk in the nearby park and I felt like I've been born again. The smells of the pond and the blooming trees, the textures on fallen trunks and their elaborate roots, mud and fir needles under my soles... I felt like I was in heaven from the hopefulness and beauty I felt.

I'm now sitting in the bus on my way back home, and once back with the rest of civilization, the common anxieties and fears about the future unknown are creeping back. But even if this referral boomerangs, I'll just keep getting new ones until I reach my goal.

I just feel so much LOVE.
 
Oh god I've forgotten to log in my foods since yesterday, but honestly my focus is elsewhere now so I'll return to the regular programming tomorrow. I'll just be happy for now. :D <3
 
Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. I was supposed to go to a friend's party, but despite trying very hard, I just couldn't bring myself to go and be seen as I am now. The upside to this is that my friend was super understanding, so once I got over the shame of not being able to go, I felt OK.

I've eaten 200g of Greek yogurt, a wakame salad, 10 pieces of sushi and six beers I had bought for the party that I couldn't go to. I saw a duck mom with her armada of teeny tiny ducklings, an unidentified duck adjacent diving bird with a black head and light eyes, and called the emergency number because some idiots were burning an open fire by the creek and using flammable liquid so the flames were 2+ meters. I got some discount ribs too, so I've got some nasty charred goodness waiting for me in the fridge when I get hungry again.
 
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