Floater's diary

So frustrating. I had to call my dad because he has had precancerous growths removed from his face, and I have now had a facial mole bleeding and scabbing for almost a week, and I wanted to check out what kinds of symptoms he had. Of course I'll show it to the doctor anyway, but the doctor is going to ask about skin cancer in family. Well, dad insisted that he hasn't had anything removed, only frozen (which IS A REMOVAL METHOD) and basically told me that I'm crazy and that dermatologists just want people's money, despite knowing fully well that mine will get checked via public health care because I'm piss-poor.

I felt physically sick after the phonecall. How can some people turn the simple topic of moles into such a weird power struggle?
 
Took my ADHD meds with a hefty portion of meatloaf, potatoes and the remaining two sliced of chicken bacon I had leftover form breakfast. (I had two rye bread sandwiches with chicken bacon, cheese and hotsauce and a side of cherry tomatoes for breakfast.) This meal should keep me running for a while even if the meds kill my appetite.

I'll try to hit the gym today. Dysphoria has been pretty horrible today, though. That's why I maxed out on the ADHD meds dosage, sometimes they help by allowing me to focus on something else. They should kick in pretty hard, because I've had a break from them for several days. I'll try to do my hair and makeup extra nice to make the dysphoria a little less bad.

I want to share something that happened yesterday. I was on my way to get the post package, when an elderly woman using a walker stopped me and started to make conversation. She started by remarkig that it's a beautiful day, and then went on to say that she noticed me coming a long way away and that the way I walked reminded herself of being young, and now she's moving slower and but still moving. But then the discussion took a really "movie moment" turn. I don't know if she had picked up that I was suffering quite a bit mentally in that moment, but she told me she'll be thinking about me that night and that "ignorant people, not stupid people but ignorant people, they should be forgiven and forgotten". I almost teared up, because next she said that ignorant people don't matter but every genuine encounter does, I just nodded and said that we are definitely having one. We wished each other well and went our separate ways.

I tried to write about it here yesterday but I couldn't without making it sound corny. I'm so glad I met that random old lady. Of course, I'm probably projecting my own wishes into the situation when I think maybe she somehow understood that I'm inhibiting a wrong body. But maybe that kind of sadness and conflict can be detected by perceptive people even if they can't really tell the root of that sadness. Her lamenting over her aging body and me silently lamenting my feminine one was a deeply human moment, anyway.
 
What a beautiful moment of human connection. I hope it helps balance the crap from that phonecall :grouphug:
I'd say the dermatologist doesn't need more details than whether any growths were removed and whether they were malignant. That's all mine ever want to know.
 
The gym was blissfully empty, and I'm half dead; great workout. Gotta head home now, the weather is perfect for walking :)
 
By the way - does anyone have good tips to work around lower back pain when doing deadlifts? I have quite a prominent lordosis, and I think it probably has something to do with it. The only thing I've found to work reliably is to do deadlifts at the beginning of the workout, because when working with free weight almost everything wears that weak point down. However, only deadlifts hurt, so I'm scared of adding weight to avoid injury. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.
 
I would guess you´re having trouble stabilizing your lower back in the movement and are leaning into your lordosis rather than supporting it actively. @Trusylver would probably be more helpful here and I don´t think anyone can really tell without having observed you while lifting but I would assume that more ab and glute activation, with proper form, could help.
 
LaMaria said:
I would guess you´re having trouble stabilizing your lower back in the movement and are leaning into your lordosis rather than supporting it actively. @Trusylver would probably be more helpful here and I don´t think anyone can really tell without having observed you while lifting but I would assume that more ab and glute activation, with proper form, could help.
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Thanks! I have noticed some help from warmups with body weight exercises, like laying on my back and lifting my legs up. So you are probably on the right track. I'll try to ask the one autism assistant who has a physio degree if he could check out my form the next time he has a shift with me :)
 
Eugh, I made a bad mistake post workout. I was feeling good in my body, had a protein shake, decided to go deeper into the trans clinic diagnostics because one of my friends was qurious about the process, and... Well. There are some truly sick details in the process.

The first one I knew about already so I'm too jaded to care: you have to be clinically sterile to transition _even socially_. This extends to previously sampled and frozen eggs and sperm. (Whereas, people who have testicular or ovarian cancer can freeze their eggs/sperm and procreate as they wish.)

Now what really shakes me up is that in Finland, transitions are only available to XX and XY caryotype people, because intersex people are considered outside the gender binary and thusly unable to experiencing "living as the wrong sex". This is laughable, of course. Being chromosomally intersex is relatively common and rarely gets spotted unless a person undergoes genetic testing. Genital/musculoskeletal abnormalities are much rarer in intersex people than just having a funky X/Y combo detectable in a lab. But the regulations basically ban intersex folks access to treatments even if any genetic deviation was undetectable without the testing.

One more thing to worry about I guess.
 
LaMaria said:
:grouphug: sniffs of eugenics
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It definitely does. The Finnish trans laws have been criticized in the EU Human rights committee, but for "some reason" (aka rich conservatives pining after the mythical normal family structure) changing the sterilization requirement has been lagging for years.

Thank you :grouphug:
 
Woke up around 8AM to walk the dog, then fell asleep until noon. The laundry machine is running, and I'm preparing guac pasta. Sadly, the cheap running shoes were too big for me and the store is out of the smaller size, so I'll have to keep looking.

Despite working out so hard last night, I don't really feel too sore. That's good :)
 
Oh, I forgot to write in yesterday's meals after the meatloaf situation. Before leaving for the gym I had 200g of Turkish yogurt with a big dollop of fig jam for fast carbs. Tasted OK but the grainy jam ruined the smoothness of the yogurt, still managed to get it down and I felt energized so, all is well. After the gym I felt nauseous and didn't want to eat, so I bought a protein drink and 500ml of sugared soda to avoid getting sore and exhausted. My appetite stayed culled until late in the evening - I did max out on my ADHD meds so that's to be expected - at which point I had three boiled eggs with rye bread and cheese.

Hmm, I don't think it matters that much ultimately whether I eat solids after the workout as long as I get enough carbs and protein in to enable my muscles fixing themselves. But balancing between the side effects of the meds and my need to feed my body is something I should focus on.What matters is I got a good workout in and I'll improve as I go. :)
 
I really like the little fig pips. Something to crunch on. But when you puree figs and the pips turn to... grit (?) it´s not very pleasant. Well done getting your nutrients in when you didn´t want to eat.
 
My veg quota turned out a bit low today but I still got a good portion of fresh stuff in. Just wolfed down the rest of the meatloaf with potatoes and peas, and mixed up a tuna potato salad with celery, tomatoes, greek yogurt, hot sauce, and parsley in case I need to eat more or for tomorrow's breakfast. Also had 3 babybel cheeses as a snack.

While returning the shoes and walking my dog I could notice that I ate too little yesterday. My muscles felt depleted, and I had some very painful cramping in my abdomen. (I have no idea what it is, I've had it ever since puberty... Not reliant on menstruation but always got worse during. Now I have an IUD and it helps somewhat. I swear that if I get to the trans clinic I'll beg them to perform a hysterectomy on me.)
 
Yay for a great gym workout, but not to cramps. I don't miss my womb or periods that's for sure. When it needed to come out in my early 40's (a huge fibroid) I was so happy & relieved.
 
YAY my H&M men's clothes haul arrived! I love two of the items I ordered, underknee-length shorts with a dropped crotch and a denim shirt jacket. Both look great and make me feel a little bit manlier or at least neutral about my body. I also got shorter shorts, but I don't think I'll keep them, they just look girly on me. The last item was a long-sleeve t-shirt with three buttons, it made my arms and upper chest look amazing but I'm nervous because it's slim fit and I just felt like I'm made of a zillion rolls when I was wearing it. Maybe I'll return it and buy one when I'm closer to the body I want to have. I dislike the idea of buying "motivation clothes", that always, always backfires.

But I'll definitely order another pair of the nice shorts. They look super good on me.
 
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