Floater's diary

:grouphug: Have a hug, if it helps. Your parents did you dirty, whether or not they meant well. Thankfully you're now a grown-ass man and nobody gets to tell you what to wear anymore. Ever.
 
LaMaria said:
:grouphug: Have a hug, if it helps. Your parents did you dirty, whether or not they meant well. Thankfully you're now a grown-ass man and nobody gets to tell you what to wear anymore. Ever.
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Thanks, it helps. :grouphug:

It's so weird how I've spent years of unpacking other kinds of nasty stuff that happened in my childhood (my parents are not mentally/morally well off to say the least), but somehow the misgendering just hurts on a whole different level. It's like having been brought up under a false identity, or something. Because it's obviously not the clothes that brought the pain, but the denial of self expression. Pretty hard to put to words, really. I think people brought up in strictly religious households can relate to the negation of autonomy...!

I do feel a bit better, though. Took the dog for her evening walk, fed and medicated her, and it's nice to know that I don't need to do anything but brush my teeth tonight.
 
I realized I was running on fumes, so I had two boiled eggs and guac pasta with fresh basil and a handful of cherry tomatoes. Dog got one egg, and I have the remaining three eggs now marinating overnight in a mix of soy sauce, hot sauce, and sesame oil. World seems a bit brighter.
 
Floater said:
I think people brought up in strictly religious households can relate to the negation of autonomy...!
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I'm very grateful that I wasn't. I'm sorry that your upbringing did not allow you the freedoms that I know that I had. You have the opportunity now to be who you want to be, in the way that you choose. I'm glad that you now know that. I'm also glad that we are included in your circle & can share that with you.
 
Cate said:
I'm also glad that we are included in your circle & can share that with you.
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Thank you, this means a lot.

I want to be a bit more precise - by the time my parents had me, they were "apostates" from the sect they were brought up in, but they were psychologically damaged and I inherited that. I'm glad that I've found ways to relate to spirituality and that I've had therapy and all that to navigate my personal way in this world.

Despite the difficult feelings last night, and having had nightmares and cold sweats last night, I'm in much better spirits now. I woke up around 4:30 and couldn't sleep, so I took the dog for a nice walk. Sun rises super early now, birds were singing, the air smelled heavenly. Should have taken the phone and snapped some pics of it, but some things just don't translate well into pixels.

Ever since deciding to come out my appetite has been so much better. Usually after a night of nightmares I would feel too nauseous to eat, but today I took the time to make tuna rye toasts with lime juice, chopped yellow cherry tomatoes, smokey hotsauce, basil, and cheese. Which reminds me to add more limes to my grocery order which will arrive tomorrow. Lemons and limes just elevate any old food to a next level, there's no debate.
 
Floater said:
It's so weird how I've spent years of unpacking other kinds of nasty stuff that happened in my childhood (my parents are not mentally/morally well off to say the least), but somehow the misgendering just hurts on a whole different level. It's like having been brought up under a false identity, or something.
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It could also be related to not being seen as an individual person. You theoretically tick box A, B, and C, so you belong in this group and if your behavior deviates form the other robots in that box you're not an individual but defective.
 
LaMaria said:
It could also be related to not being seen as an individual person.
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Yeah, definitely. I was brought up to fit into a very narrow idea of what constitutes an "acceptable" person, and queerness of any sort was definitely NOT on the list of acceptable traits. When my parents accidentally found out that I had a crush on a girl at 16, they refused to speak to me for weeks. I hid in my room in shame and pain and could only eat at school or at night because they looked me at me as if I were covered in filth whenever I dared to cross their line of sight. After that they told me that they just want to protect me because "women like that have such a hard life". The irony.

In general, I think that I was in many ways a way for my parents to live through me. Everything in my life, from my hobbies to my clothing to what was deemed as OK pastimes, happened through them. So there was definitely a lack of individuality. It was like being brought up in a plastic bag and feeling like suffocating every second of my life when I was at home. I'm lucky that I at least could find refuge in school and when I was walking the family dog or riding at the stables. Animals are near and dear to me because they don't demand anything but reliability and respect of humans; give them that, and they give you the same.

Well, that was pretty dark, sorry. My tuna toasts were incredible though and I might make peanut tomato soup for lunch later...
 
I had a nap and am now giving finishing touches to tomato peanutbutter soup with crunchy celery and fresh basil leaves. I seasoned it with hot sauce (because I use that for literally everything), fish sauce, and soy sauce, and it tastes really full and nice. I'll add the celery just before turning the heat off so it just get warmed up but doesn't cook. I added some corn for carbs and bite, but I'll have something more satiating as a side or a bit later. Eggs and bread, maybe, something like that.
 
(PS: I had one marinated egg and one rye sandwich with liver patee along with the soup. The savoury tastes of the soup, the egg, and the sandwich really complemented each other, and it felt nice to eat my vegetables for one meal in the form of a veggie soup. I rarely make plain veg soups because when I was young and restricted obsessively, I mostly sustained myself on veg soup and tomatoes, but this one is still filling and nice because of the PB and a variety of textures and spices.)
 
Still going strong with today's feeding: I just put together a nice burrito bowl of white rice, chickpeas, fresh tomato, celery, basil, spices and a sprinkle of cheese. I have two leftover portions of rice and one leftover portion of chickpeas in the fridge to be turned into whatever I come up with during the next couple of days, and my body feels very happy.

I've also taken my ADHD meds today, but it seems that weight training alleviates the appetite suppressing effect of them, which is obviously a good thing, because stimulant nausea SUCKS and leads me to skipping meals. Assistance came over earlier, I gave my floors a good wash and rinse while he was around, and we also talked about fitness stuff - this particular person is also a registered physiotherapist, so he was interested in my goals. He greenlit my current fitness plan and workout routine, one more to feel happy and accomplished.

I've been bingeing Abbey's Kitchen YT videos, I love her style. Her food positive approach also gets me in the mood for cooking.
 
I love that food is getting more palatable to you! Also great to hear that you have some support on the fitness front.
 
Thanks, @LaMaria !

I walked to the supermarket to buy ankle socks now that the weather is getting warm. I felt a bit uncomfortable after having eaten chickpeas, so I needed to wait until my next meal, but I'll have the rest of the chickpeas with rice and parmesan before bed. My veg quota for today has been met, but if I have room for anything else I'll have kiwis for dessert.
 
I got super hungry last night! I had the remaining two marinated eggs, and two rye sandwiches with liver patee. I watched the "Nomadland" documentary and cried... Seeing elderly people suffer and struggle for not only survival but also their sense of pride and decency was heartbreaking. But the documentary itself was beautifully shot and directed, and I think the people in it were met and seen with respect.

Eating more, I notice my energy levels are way up. It feels really good. Grocery delivery came in today, so I started my day with 200g of surimi and a bowl of fresh strawberries. I feel like a king having strawberries for breakfast!
 
Sigh. Today has been hard.

Content warning: mental illness, child abuse

I have mentioned before that I had a mental breakdown last summer. I broke up with my ex, which was a good thing, but I also went through a complete personal Hell. I relived painful things about my childhood again and again, things that my dad did when I was a preschooler and he "tried to cure me" from my transness. I stopped eating and sleeping, and basically ended up in a self-induced psychosis from the sleep deprivation. I ended up compulsively getting rid of everything in the apartment that reminded me of my ex by dumping the stuff next to the trash bins of my apartment complex. I was too sick to figure out how to get them hauled out, and today I got a 100-euro bill from the landlord. This alone isn't too bad, I can manage it and it's totally justified that I have to pay for that. But it just brought the whole madness right back.

Of course, the memories of my dad are also haunting me hard today. But I did manage to eat chicken in creamy tomato sauce and rice, and more strawberries. I'll try to eat more later.
 
Had the rest of my 1kg of fresh strawberries in smaller portions throughout the evening, and just had two rye sandwiches, one with liver patee, fresh oregano and marg, the other with marg, jalapeno sauce, cold smoked salmon and fresh oregano as well as a sprinkle of parmesan. So good. I will survive. (I have had a sedative today too, but that was literally necessary to keep me somewhat sane at least.)

@LaMaria thanks for the Meatloaf song, I'm sadly uneducated about their music, but it was nice to hear and the video needs several watches to really get all the details I think. My go to trauma survival song is "Darkness" by Peter Gabriel... "I have my fears, but they do not have me."

 
Cate said:
All I can think of today is to send you a hug :grouphug:
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:grouphug:
 
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