Floater's diary
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Floater
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I hope the process gets less messy as time passes and people get more exposure to out trans folks. So much has changed in the past 30 years but so much more still needs to be done. In the meantime I hope you qualify for the treatment you need
Yup, you said it. It's actually really tragic that before the WW2, doctors and psychiatrists were pretty close to where we are today when it came to the understanding of gender, and there were even hormonal and surgery treatments available for trans folks, and it was understood that being trans or gender-nonconforming was not a mental illness. The Weimar Republic had a queer reputation for a reason... And then, obviously, Nazis came into power and burned the research, hauled queer folks into KKs, and executed doctors who dared to resist. The science is still picking up from where it was left after WW2.
But. I actually have something important and happy to say. I had therapy today. I told my therapist that I think I'm a man, and we talked about my memories from childhood and my teenage years and how overjoyed I got every time I got "mistaken" for a boy, and on the other hand how hard it has been to adapt to being seen as a woman, how harshly my parents treated my pain when I tried to defy them and present as boyish as I could... And how weird it has been for me to have had a body that men desire but that just functions and feels so _wrong_ from my perspective. I losted off all the things that I'm scared about when it comes to hormone therapy and top surgery (aka chest masculinization by removing the breast tissue), and lamented a bit about hair loss, never going to have a d*ck, and my fear of never being taken seriously as a man even if I would get the treatments.
Content warning: I'm going to be mentioning genital anatomy and function here, so it gets kind of personal. Feel free to skip if it's not your cup of tea!!
Can you imagine what my lovely, wonderful therapist said?
"If you can ´hang on´ and ´tolerate´ living as a woman, versus having the chance to feel the joy of being gendered correctly, then isn't it worth it to be seen and treated as a man and entering the process?" - and mind you, my therapist is a super fit, handsome, hetero family man who does thriathlons, and he genuinely couldn't imagine a situation where I should NOT seek the treatments.
Like, he was totally fine with it. He didn't even seem surprised. (Which, considering that I've been bellyaching my gender since my first visit with him, is not surprising.) But I really felt like he saw me as a man, and I could feel myself just... Beaming with joy.When I was on my way out of the door, he mentioned that Napoleon wasn't very tall either. I started to laugh and said that Napoleon was kind of an asshole, though. He agreed and mentioned Charles Chaplin, then corrected himself by pointing out that he also was kind of a nasty person in his private life despite his immense talent. I told him that my "short king icons" are Hercule Poirot and Herge's Tintin. (Not a joke actually, I have loved those characters since childhood, and they are canonically small guys who compensate by being smart and morally upright.) He laughed, I laughed. I did use the women's restroom on my way out, but I remember thinking to myself that one day I can piss in the men's stall and I'd rather do that despite men's toilets being gross AF, and despite me never being able to use the urinal. (Side note: it is possible to re-do the "plumbing" on a trans man, if a phalloplasty (aka building a penis from grafted tissue) and urethral lengthening are something that the man wishes to have done. I don't care about that personally, because as I told my therapist, I cant imagine myself wanting to penetrate anyone and I'm fine with having to sit down to pee.) Sorry about the toilet talk, but transphobes always bring it up so I figured I could at least bring some decent info to the table lol.
Well, I was super happy but also... Riled up after therapy. Because I know for a fact that if he did think Im not really trans, he would have been obligated to tell me to think about it. Him telling me to trust myself is basically the best, most exiting thing I've ever experienced when it comes to my whole mental health journey. I felt like I needed to walk the exitement out, so after I had bought tomatoes, eggs, parsley, 300g of pork ribs and a rye pastry from the supermarket, I decided to walk home at least part of the way. I ended up walking all the way... For THREE HOURS, mostly on concrete, with a full backpack.
My feet were killing me by the end of it, I did eat the rye pastry and one Taco Bell taco along the way while walking (I needed to use the loo and they were customers only at Taco Bell), but I also walked through my old neighbourhood where I lived while I was in Uni, and trodded along my old dog walking paths, and saw HORSES, and every time I passed a reflective surface I imagined how I'll look one day when I am closer to a male passing body. And the thought made me smile so wide. I think that some passers by thought I was nuts, but I didn't care.
Also - 3 hours of walking is some excellent fat burn. Working towards those boy loins
PS before I left for therapy I had 2,5 dl of cottage cheese, a protein drink, and a rye bread with marg. It felt insanely good to wake up eith an appetite, knowing that I need to feed my body to get where I want to get to. After therapy I had a rye pastry filled with rice gruel and egg, as well as a small beef taco, while I was walking. And after I got home I ate 300g of cold pork ribs, from which I obviously stripped the bones but also most of the solidified fat, so while 300g of ribs sounds like an insane amount of meat, in reality the portion I ended up with was decent. Of course the taste wasn't as good as when the meat is piping hot and the fat is melted, but this time I opted for a long walk and cold meat. I do wish I won't get food poisoning from having had it in my backpack for three hours but it's pretty salty so I think I'll be fine.
Insanely long post, sorry, I just feel so happy about my future. I could still get to live decades as a man. And today I figured out that when it comes to mastectomy, what's been putting me off really has been the idea of nipple grafts. I know it sounds weird, but I'd rather not go through the hassle of re-attaching my nipples which wouldn't really have sensation anyway. To me, the idea of a smooth, nipple-less chest is fine; and if so desired, nipples can be tattooed onto the flat chest skin to make the chest look more natural from a distance. (This is what's often done to breats cancer patients, because for them, keeping the nipple might increase the risk of cancerous cells remaining in the chest area. They look really good, to be honest. And hey, there's no nipple chafing from exercise if there are no nipples lol)
Shutting up now. And once again, thank you for all the support, @LaMaria and @Cate
That's lovely and I'm so happy to hear it!
Floater
Well-known member
Have the best ride ever <3
Floater
Well-known member
An old Uni friend came over yesterday ex tempore (she was visiting her parents who live nearby), and we ended up having a two-person party. I came out to her, she was lovely about it, we had a great time. I woke up happy but hungover, and it took me until the evening to recover. It was still worth it.
The first thing I ate today was around 3 PM, I ordered Thai food. Three small fish cakes, three spring rolls, and two small chicken skewers. After that I did chores the best I could and managed to drag my butt to the grocery store around 7PM. Once home, I had maybe 2dl of cottage cheese, 400g of fresh strawberries (although some of them were moldy so I can't tell the exact amount), two potatoes with 200g of salmon meatballs with oil, marg, and parsley, two slices of cheese, and two tomatoes. It felt so nice to be hungry and eat a varied, nice meal.
The first thing I ate today was around 3 PM, I ordered Thai food. Three small fish cakes, three spring rolls, and two small chicken skewers. After that I did chores the best I could and managed to drag my butt to the grocery store around 7PM. Once home, I had maybe 2dl of cottage cheese, 400g of fresh strawberries (although some of them were moldy so I can't tell the exact amount), two potatoes with 200g of salmon meatballs with oil, marg, and parsley, two slices of cheese, and two tomatoes. It felt so nice to be hungry and eat a varied, nice meal.
Floater
Well-known member
An unexpected 2-person party sounds lovely! I hate being hungover so I hope you're feeling better
I'm almost healed, thank you. :3 I've had a couple more tomatoes and rye bread with cheese, all in all very happy with what I've eaten today. Crushed that veg and fruit quota for sure!
The scale has arrived to a post package automat at a kiosk nearby, I have to pick it up before 14.5. I have an online appointment with my pastor tomorrow, I'll tell her the news, I know she'll take it well. She's such a nice person and a good professional, and I'm happy I have her in my life.
Floater
Well-known member
Today has been a slow day, woke up to walk the dog at 8, then snoozed until 13, showered, did some chores, had the online meeting with my pastor (who was lovely about everything), ate a two-egg cheese omelette with rye bread and 4 fresh tomatoes, walked the dog again, got the scale from the kiosk, had two rue sandwiches with liver patee and now it's 8 PM already. Will have to eat more later, but all in all, happy about today and got plenty of steps in.
PS: post-workout muscle pain from Thursday has almost subsided, so I plan to go again tomorrow.
PS: post-workout muscle pain from Thursday has almost subsided, so I plan to go again tomorrow.
Yay for real-life support! That´s great to hear.
My quads and glutes are SO SORE from yesterday. Hoping they´ll be better by tomorrow because like it or not I have family exercise to lead...PS: post-workout muscle pain from Thursday has almost subsided, so I plan to go again tomorrow.
Floater
Well-known member
Had a premade chicken caesar salad with extra tomatoes, took a 30-min walk with the dog, prepped for a small portion of tuna pasta - I'll have that either before bed or for breakfast.
I just realized that I forgot to mention I had about 68 grams, or half a pack, of Filipino cookies last night. The rest is waiting on the countertop for my next sweet tooth moment. I don't think I've eaten that particular brand in years, but it was nice to taste them again.
Oh - when I ordered the scale online, I also ordered a 3-pack of hot sauces. I use hot sauces for pretty much everything, and I'm excited to try out the new ones. I'm also super happy that I ate the salad before I was sick with hunger. My veg quota for today should be filled as well, so that's super nice.
I also placed another grocery delivery order for 12.5. with plenty of lean protein, beans, fruit and veg. This time I skipped ordering the premade guac because I still have plenty in the fridge, but I got three 200g packs of Turkish yogurt. Let's see what I can make with that.
I just realized that I forgot to mention I had about 68 grams, or half a pack, of Filipino cookies last night. The rest is waiting on the countertop for my next sweet tooth moment. I don't think I've eaten that particular brand in years, but it was nice to taste them again.
Oh - when I ordered the scale online, I also ordered a 3-pack of hot sauces. I use hot sauces for pretty much everything, and I'm excited to try out the new ones. I'm also super happy that I ate the salad before I was sick with hunger. My veg quota for today should be filled as well, so that's super nice.
I also placed another grocery delivery order for 12.5. with plenty of lean protein, beans, fruit and veg. This time I skipped ordering the premade guac because I still have plenty in the fridge, but I got three 200g packs of Turkish yogurt. Let's see what I can make with that.
Floater
Well-known member
Today's foods are looking great, as they should, as it's gym day today.
I had a 2-egg cheese omelette, 2 dl of cherry tomatoes and 2 kiwis for breakfast. For lunch I had 180g of fish balls with corn and onion, and a rye sandwich with marg and liver patee. Feeling quite full, but not too full. I think I'll have a nice cup of coffee once my stomach has settled down a bit, and then walk the dog and make my way to the gym.
I had a 2-egg cheese omelette, 2 dl of cherry tomatoes and 2 kiwis for breakfast. For lunch I had 180g of fish balls with corn and onion, and a rye sandwich with marg and liver patee. Feeling quite full, but not too full. I think I'll have a nice cup of coffee once my stomach has settled down a bit, and then walk the dog and make my way to the gym.
Floater
Well-known member
Walked 3 km to the gym. It was fuller than last time, I had a hard time getting into the flow. The safety rack was taken when I arrived, so I had to use a "power cage" instead. While it's arguably better for developing proprioception, form, and balance, I felt nervous to do free weights after such a long break. I decided to err on the side of caution with my weights, especially as my sad little size 5 raccoon hands don't deliver much of a grip even on a good day. (Which is why I always wear compression gloves with rubber dimples to the gym.)
I felt sad and like a failure for lifting "less" than last time. But I have to remember that it's natural to have fluctuations in power levels. I was sweating like a pig by the time I finished, bought a protein shake, a smoothie, a mini salami and a mini Kinder chocolate bar and ate and drank those while walking 3 km back home. I noticed that my fluids/electrolytes were probably off, because before I ate the salami, I felt really nauseous, but once I had eaten it I felt better really quickly.
It felt great to shower and sit down at home. I'll take the rest of the evening really easy. Maybe dye my hair if I have the energy. Although now that I've decided to enter the trans process I think I should probably go back to my natural blonde just in case that the doctors think that having it dyed blue is unmanly, but I can't afford a trip to the salon right now, and I'm not desperate enough for attempting a home bleach job :'D
I felt sad and like a failure for lifting "less" than last time. But I have to remember that it's natural to have fluctuations in power levels. I was sweating like a pig by the time I finished, bought a protein shake, a smoothie, a mini salami and a mini Kinder chocolate bar and ate and drank those while walking 3 km back home. I noticed that my fluids/electrolytes were probably off, because before I ate the salami, I felt really nauseous, but once I had eaten it I felt better really quickly.
It felt great to shower and sit down at home. I'll take the rest of the evening really easy. Maybe dye my hair if I have the energy. Although now that I've decided to enter the trans process I think I should probably go back to my natural blonde just in case that the doctors think that having it dyed blue is unmanly, but I can't afford a trip to the salon right now, and I'm not desperate enough for attempting a home bleach job :'D
Floater
Well-known member
Haha maybe I should pull off a James from Team Rocket impression upon entering the clinic one day in the future, including the theme song
Floater
Well-known member
They'd definitely remember you!
I wonder if they have a "wall of fame"... OK I shouldn't joke. I'm actually feeling quite raw about my family history, and feeling really tired and dysphoric. But that's why I joke, to cope.Once again this has very little if anything to do with weigh loss and fitness, but it's my body, so I'll talk about it anyway. I just feel a profound sadness about how I was forced into the role of a girl as a child. My mom dressed me up and did my hair into elaborate hairdos and got me clothes that were hard to move in; I couldn't climb trees or play in the dirt. I mean, I still did, but I got scolded and punished for it when the clothes got torn and dirtied. I was allowed to get one pair of boy underwear when I was in preschool, and I cried my eyes out when I grew out of them. No wonder that when I look into the mirror now, I just see a blob of unrecognizable fleshy mass, a cell culture that was molded for the purpose of others and not for myself at all.
Of course, a part of this is probably exhaustion from gym and walking but this is one of those evenings when I'd rather cease to exist than to keep living like this. At least now I've decided I'll fight for my right to live the rest of my days in a body that's mine and not my parents' , but it's going to be a hard road to the goal. Sometimes I think, what if I die on the operating table? But then I think I'd rather risk that than keep going like this. Grim, I know. I wish that parents would just let their kids be.