OK, f* it. I joined this forum to bring about a change in how I relate to my body, in how I could better motivate myself to exercise in public, to drink less to numb my pain, to eat better quality foods and prepare my body for possible future changes in medications that will increase my risk for male typical diseases like high cholesterol and heart issues.
So basically after months of pining, I've told my autism assistants that I need to get evaluated at the trans clinic. I've told some of my friends, all of whom have known for years that I consider myself to just... Occupy a female body. Don't get me wrong, women are great, I'm just not happy about being seen as a woman because it clashes with my gender identity. Since I was a kid I've just separated myself from my body and tried to hang on, but I mean, treatments are available so why should I not seek out that option?
Living as I have lived, I have always attracted male attention. I'm considered attractive and people like a certain boldness I have about myself. I know that if I were to transition to a man, I would be bottom of the barrel and runt of the litter... With my whole 161 cm of height and 33 years of living as a girl permanently affecting my physique. But that really doesn't scare me at all. Because as I am now, people see me as a woman, and being flattered as a woman just feels like pain and discomfort to me. I'm old enough to have tried romance, sex, and relationships as my body, and I'd rather choose being alone but without the added stress of trying to pass as a woman when my mind and soul scream in protest.
The idea of starting to work towards a more masculine body scares me; no one can guarantee the end result, and it's going to take years to even get approved for hormones, but that time is also going to help me re-adjust and question myself and prepare for the permanent changes. And top surgery won't be happening until at least 8-12 months on testosterone, so that's even more time to change my mind. Not that I think I will, but just to put things into perspective. I have to be in the right mindset to love the graduality, the lack of autonomy, to focus on the teeny tiny things I can do to change my body before being even introduced to medical transitioning. I have to be able to love the look of a "butch woman" people will see me as when I'm moving towards transitioning, before I even even step inside the clinic. Because even there, I might be denied. It's gonna suck. But it could also give me the freedom to live in the world, to do my best for others without carrying the extra pain of trying to comply to me assigned gender.
Long story, so sorry, not really.
I think it´s awesome that you figured this thing out and are feeling confident enough to share and find support!
with LaMa. I’m really glad you shared this with us. 