Floater's diary

Stress nausea/lack of appetite kicking in. I've had a total of three cookies, one banana, and 150g of pork sirloin today. I got myself some Babybel cheeses, those usually go down even when other stuff won't. I was almost choking on the pork, too. Had to put lemon juice and chili oil on it just to get it down.

But, I'll take it easy today, do my best, tomorrow might be easier.
 
You´re doing what you can, that´s all you can do. Have a hug :grouphug:
 
LaMaria said:
You´re doing what you can, that´s all you can do. Have a hug :grouphug:
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Thank you. I think the stress of mulling over career opportunities versus my actual mental health and capability is just eating away at me. I just want to be normal, to be useful, it sucks to lack out on the everyday life that most people have. I get it that not every worker feels very appreciated or important (which speaks more of messed up societal ideas than worker's rights), I used to be there, I've been doing this and that for a living. But the profound shame I feel about not being able to work, at least currently, is the worst.

But: my dog is feeling good, she's been very active and playful, so at least I have that going for me :) Also, my friend was pleased with the help I gave her with the assignment, so that's a source of joy as well.

Tiny steps.
 
Today I've had 150g of pork sirloin and 2 Babybel cheeses for lunch (no breakfast, went straight back to sleep after walking my dog in the morning), a six-hour break before dinner, which consisted of mincemeat and pasta casserole with spinach and one cranberry-white chocolate cookie. I've been totally exhausted this whole day but at least I got the dishwasher going. Planning to walk the dog soon, then have a late nap and probably have to wake up to walk her again early in the AM. Eating isn't great for me today, but it could be much worse.
 
I’m glad we have our dogs. They get us up & out there. Not such a bad day, food-wise. Hope tomorrow feels less stressful.
 
Yay, today has been a bit easier. I threw out the remaining casserole (I made it late Wednesday night and cooled it off immediately, but as a rule of thumb I avoid eating anything older than 3 days, and only a small portion was wasted so I'm not too bummed) and made lemony chicken fillets again. I had pasta, cheese and half of a chicken fillet for breakfast/lunch, and 1,5 chicken fillets with guac and pumpkin seeds for dinner. It's cold and rainy outside, ew. But I cleaned up during the assistant's visit, did laundry, and am feeling pretty good in general.

I had a really weird spell last night when I was walking my dog - I started to sweat profusely, had an odd taste in my mouth, nausea, and felt week in the knees. I made it home but felt really bad for a while, and then it just passed. Nerves/stress, probably.
 
Glad to hear your day was easier but:
Floater said:
I had a really weird spell last night when I was walking my dog - I started to sweat profusely, had an odd taste in my mouth, nausea, and felt week in the knees. I made it home but felt really bad for a while, and then it just passed. Nerves/stress, probably.
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If that happens again you may want to see a doctor.
 
LaMaria said:
If that happens again you may want to see a doctor.
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Yeah, maybe. I'm just so desensitized to having weird stuff going on with my body that I no longer really have any energy to care. Doctors just call it "anxiety" in either case, so it's easier to not try to fight for testing and such because then they'll just call me a histrionic when the tests come back normal. (I avoid docs to the point that when I broke a toe in 2018, I just cooled it in ice water for an hour, took Ibuprofen, taped it to the next toe for stability, and kept it elevated. Taping and Ibuprofen is what they would have done at the ER too, so I figured why should I bother the trip.) I did mention what happened to the assistant though, so they'll put it in their reports and make me go to the docs if it becomes a real issue.

I had a banana, two cookies and a handful of walnuts for a snack, and half a pack of dry noodles, guac and sunflower seeds a couple of hours after that. I think I'll start my day tomorrow by getting some fresh rolls, cheese and cold cuts. It's been a while since I've had bread and I think I'll enjoy it a lot.
 
I´m sorry that you´ve had those experiences with doctors. Sadly you´re not the only one. I´m glad you told the assistant though - always good to have a paper trail.
 
I'm glad you mentioned it to the assistant. Not only a paper trail but someone who will keep an eye out for you. I hope it doesn't happen again.
 
I didn't fall asleep until 6 AM. I wasn't even anxious, I just couldn't sleep, so I decided to try and not stress about it too much. Woke up at 11, walked my dog, fed her and gave her her meds, then went back to bed until 2PM. Didn't sleep this time either, but I felt like I needed the rest. I'm having breakfast/lunch now - one fried egg, guac with pumpkin and sunflower seeds, and coffee.

The bad sleep clearly affects my mood, I feel really heavy and unattractive (not referring to my size here necessarily, but a very particular kind of "depression heaviness"). I even caught myself standing in front of a mirror and bitching at myself about my stretch marks. But. When I realized I was in that headspace again, I tried to shift my attention from the "faults" (stretch marks) to the complete figure and the functionality of it, and that actually helped.
 
So happy! I had two pears for a snack around 5 PM and just got back from the grocery store. I got cheap, easy, basic stuff, focusing more on convenience than nutritional perfection because as this is the end of the month, money is tight and I want to be sure I don't waste anything.

Sadly, the supermarket was out of guacamole ;__; But; I got 5 cheap white wheat cheese rolls of a specific brand that's nostalgic to me; 3 big bananas; 3 bags of discount shredded cheese to make canned goods and random stuff in my freezer go down easier with pasta; 8 eggs, four of which are boiling as I'm writing this; 150 g of cheese; and 150 g of roast beef cold cuts.

I'll try to hunt down some fresh produce tomorrow or the day after, as well as more tuna. Next Monday is my benefits day, so I'll pre-order a healthy grocery delivery for that date, but all in all I'm happy with what I have now. I'm especially happy that I dared to get what I actually WANTED to eat (white cheese rolls, cheese, and cold cuts) instead of getting stuck and buying things I would feel like I have to force down to avoid waste.
 
LaMaria said:
How did today treat you?
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Thank you for asking <3

Today has been hard, eating-wise. I had three wheat rolls last night before bed, stacked with cheese, beef, and boiled eggs; and a fourth one for breakfast today. After that, I've been fasting. Nothing tasted good; tried to warm up the last roll in the oven but nah, took two bites and it flew into the trash. I'm now warming up my leftover chicken in the hopes that I can eat it at least.

Plus sides: I've been walking a lot today, weather's been nice albeit cold. And I bought more tuna, pasta, and a can of tomatoes for easy food so I know at least what I'll eat tomorrow. Feeling wobbly but with maybe 300 kcals in my system for today that's kind of understandable...
 
Ok, well, the chicken made me gag so I gave it to my dog. While I was warming up the chicken, I tried making a "cheese pancake" AKA grated cheese melted into a crispy flat thing, and I could eat that. Almost enjoyed it, too. So I'm currently warming up another one because unless I get in the kcals I'll have a bad night and an even worse tomorrow.

Besides, considering that my dog just ate two slightly salted, oiled chicken fillets, I'll have to walk her before bedtime (although we already did our 3 walks per day) so I gotta get fueled up.

Well, goes to show that my nutrition is pretty reliant on the goddamn guacamole tubs. I don't know how, or why, but those just go down no matter what. My grocery haul on 3.5. is going to include 8 tubs, so...
 
I just had my first meal of the day, tuna pasta with cheese. It went down without issues, so I'm happy about that. I woke up in the morning to walk, feed and medicate my dog and went back to sleep and slept until 3PM. My brain and body just seem to be off, and based on experience, it will pass eventually but until that I need to take things easy and rest.
 
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