Floater's diary

... Forgot to get the caesar salad, but I bought four chicken fillets and some eggs for later. I ate one chicken fillet with lemon, bok choy, pasta and a bit of shredded cheddar, and saved the rest for later. I might go to the supermarket for RAF tomatoes, guac and caesar salad later, but I have enough stuff to last me this evening anyway, so I don't absolutely have to. I'll go if I feel like it would make me feel better.

Today's assistant asked me if I think I'm depressed. Yeah, probably. While I'm grateful that I have help and I have a contact to a psych clinic as well, it's exhausting to not know anything about the future. So I should really focus on small things and small joys now to prevent myself from sliding into a full blown depression.
 
Damn, I only found one unspoiled package of RAF tomatoes, the supermarket was out of caesar salad, but I found a new brand of spicy ramen for emergencies and got two packs of surimi sticks for easy protein and my usual haul of guacamole.

Not hungry yet, but I'll probably have surimi with some kind of veg later. :)
 
I had 150g of surimi, a handful of walnuts, 300g of fresh tomatoes and a package of extra spicy ramen before bed. Had weird dreams, woke up at 5 and took the dog out at 10, then went back to bed and slept until 2pm. But surimi is a great addition to my list of safe foods for sure. 100g has only 97kcal, and 8g of protein; the whole package is 150g. More importantly, the sticks are easy to eat straight from the package and have a very mild taste.

I'm feeling really bad about my body today. Stretch marks, not so much my size. I try to remind myself that no one chooses the texture of their skin, and they'll fade eventually, that most people have them, that it's a harmless imperfection and mature potential partners shouldn't really care either way. But when dysmorphia hits, it hits.

I just had my first meal of today, tuna pasta with peas and cheese. I'll try to get my butt in the shower soon, do my makeup and hair to cheer myself up a bit, then walk my dog and finish re-potting my plants when assistance comes over at 5pm. I'll try to remember to get more of the extra spicy noodles, too. They were hot enough that they made my eyes water, but spicy foods often help "lift" me out of anxiety/dissociation.
 
I saw a woman once with pronounced stretch marks on the back of her shoulders. Made a very interesting pattern I could actually see people getting on purpose as tattoos or something. I remind myself of that when my stretch marks upset me: an extra pattern on my body is all they are and if they didn´t have cultural baggage tied up in them I might look at them as decoration.
Glad to hear you found another safe food for your list!
 
LaMaria said:
I remind myself of that when my stretch marks upset me: an extra pattern on my body is all they are and if they didn´t have cultural baggage tied up in them I might look at them as decoration
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You know what? This cheered me up so much. Thank you.

Just took my dog out for her second walk of the day. I was wearing a thin cardigan, a t-shirt, sport leggings and flip flops. The transition from winter layers to spring/summer clothes is always a bit exciting and a bit scary, because I can't hide behind baggy clothes. Or, well, I could but I'd get uncomfortably hot. Yesterday I was wearing similar stuff except with boots, and some idiots in a car rolled down their window and ogled me while driving by. I swear that the pandemic situation has made this kind of casual sexual harassment much more common.

Sigh... I just wish the gyms would reopen soon. I actually talked about it with an assistant yesterday. I said that I think it would be good if we set together some ground rules for working out - for example, no more than two weekly workouts for the first two months, and so on, to avoid myself going in too hard and fast and causing myself issues.
 
My dinner today was one lemony chicken fillet and a tub of guac topped with pumpkin seeds. I think journaling has been good for me because although there are days when I turn to fast food, miss my veggie quota, or drink alcohol, these are balanced out by days when I crave other kinds of things. And this kind of balance is something I want to nurture. For example, now that I don't feel like eating a breakfast, why should I force myself?

I have some pears in the fridge, I'll try to eat those tonight. I could go to the supermarket but maybe today should be about doing less, not more, especially considering how tired I was this morning.
 
Floater said:
Sigh... I just wish the gyms would reopen soon. I actually talked about it with an assistant yesterday. I said that I think it would be good if we set together some ground rules for working out - for example, no more than two weekly workouts for the first two months, and so on, to avoid myself going in too hard and fast and causing myself issues.
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Sounds like a very sensible idea - excellent self-care.
Floater said:
I have some pears in the fridge, I'll try to eat those tonight.
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Mmm, fresh pear with blue cheese, nuts, and a bit of baby spinach...
 
I had two fried eggs with a side of pumpkin quinoa mix, and a pear for dessert. Feeling a bit peckish, so I think I'll have more pears and some surimi before bedtime, and go grocery shopping tomorrow. I took a nice long walk with my dog, she ran around on the fields and jumped over puddles like a pup :3
 
I had 100g of surimi and a bowl of oatmeal with pb and jam before bed. Slept really well. I woke up hungry so I had a chicken fillet with guac and pumpkin seeds for breakfast; feeling hungry again, so I'll cut up a pear and have the remaining 100g of surimi, then head to the supermarket.

Surimi is absolutely going to become a staple in my fridge, just like guac is. The only slight issue I have with it is that it has quite a bit of sodium but so has ham, or cheese, so...

Oh! And as the last time when I went shopping some of the items weren't available, this time I made a longer list, not all of which I can afford in one sitting, but for example if they are out of surimi, I'll get ground beef instead, and so on and so forth.
 
Floater said:
And as the last time when I went shopping some of the items weren't available, this time I made a longer list, not all of which I can afford in one sitting, but for example if they are out of surimi, I'll get ground beef instead, and so on and so forth.
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Good thinking. Improvising doesn't always lead to the best outcomes.
 
Grocery shopping completed!

I got bananas, tomatoes, guac, spicy ramen, pasta, surimi, two mozzarella balls, two bags of cheap shredded cheese (I can use them to make my frozen stuff more tasty), and minced meat. Before going shopping, I had 100g of surimi and two pears. I also got one 500ml pilsner which I'm having now after the sweaty walk. While enjoying it, I'll try to decide whether the time is right to apply for a program that's geared towards humanities majors to give them a quick training and a guaranteed position in IT. Basically learning a new profession in 12 weeks is something I know I can do when I'm doing well; but I have to think whether I can take the strain right now.

I shared the link with one of the assistants and I'll mull it over with them too. I have to say I'm kind of intrigued. But also scared about whether my mental health is there yet.
 
Learning a new profession in 12 weeks sounds stressful to me, even if you do feel up to it. Only having one beer is a big win.
 
Thanks @Cate and @LaMaria :grouphug:

I think I'll snoop around the application process during the weekend. It starts with doing logic related tests online first, and if the applicant does well enough, the next step is to send a motivation letter. Checking out the tests would at least give me a general idea whether the program would be something I could pass without getting too exhausted.

Yesterday evening I had the last chicken fillet, and made a casserole with pasta, minced meat, cherry tomatoes, spinach, one egg to bind the ingredients together, and a LOT of cheese, chipotle sauce and mushroom soy. It's even better today that the flavors have settled.

I'm a bit worried about my dog. She had an accident last night and peed in the bed and in the hallway. I was asleep when it happened and woke up when I rolled on the wet spot. Poor dog looked so ashamed, but it wasn't her fault of course. She's seemed normal today though. So I think she has probably just drank too much water (the pee was very clear and almost odorless) after getting scraps of salty treats when I was cooking.
 
Poor pup! (And poor you: unexpectedly rolling into a wet spot :eek: )
Looking at the application process to see if it might be a good fit sounds great.
 
Snooping at the application process should give you a better idea of how hard it will be. You know yourself very well so hopefully will work out if it may be too stressful.
Poor dogger. I am careful not to give our little dog salty things as he used to get UTI's & had stress incontinence before we got him & apparently their kidneys can get damaged with salt. It's hard to resist those looks though. I have some home-made dog biscuits in the fridge for those times. He loves them.
 
Cate said:
Poor dogger. I am careful not to give our little dog salty things as he used to get UTI's & had stress incontinence before we got him & apparently their kidneys can get damaged with salt.
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This is all very true. I'm a bit mad at myself, honestly. Luckily, my girl is almost 30kg and has been normal after her accident, so I think we'll be fine (the smaller the dog, the less resistant they are to things not that good for dogs, and vice versa).

I had occupational therapy again, this time online, and one more meeting next week. These last two times are about the "end results", AKA what she thinks my current support needs are. I think she was pretty accurate so far, but it was exhausting, I took a two-hour nap after the meeting.

Last night I had a banana for a snack, 200g of surimi for dinner, and before bedtime I had extra spicy noodles with prawns and a bit of cheese and two cranberry and white chocolate cookies. Today I've only had three cookies but plan to eat something more satiating soon. Better the cookies than fasting out of nervousness, though.

I'm in the middle of helping a friend with her school assignment, she needed help in translating research terminology, and the article is actually really interesting. It's about human-robot social interactions and how humans prescribe moral values onto robots even though (currently) the robots are not sentient, and how this tends to happen more the more robots possess human-like attributes (a physical body, a voice, maybe the ability to mimic human body language etc). As I'm totally a person who says thank you to online help bots (even though I know they don't care), it's a fun read. Feels nice to use my head for something vaguely useful.
 
I remember translating just the abstract for a friend's friend's master's thesis and it was so hard to find the correct translation for technical terms I didn't even understand in my own language :eek: My hat is all the way off for proper translators.
I feel terrible If I don't say please and thank you to online bots but I think it's more that I feel indecent not upholding the standards installed in me rather than consideration for the bots' feelings :D
 
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