Floater's diary

LaMaria said:
One more thing dogs are good at: keeping us tethered to a day/night rhythm when our bodies aren't feeling it.
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So true. Although, as many other autistics, I have an abnormal sleep/wake cycle, and that itself is not a problem (in fact, going against the natural sleep cycle is very stressful for the body and increases the risk of heart attack, cancers, and dementia), it's nice to get my days structured by the dog's schedule.

Gyms are supposed to open tomorrow! I have occupational therapy at 3PM so I might be too drained form that to go, but it's nice in any case.
 
LaMaria said:
Jealous of anyone able to go to the gym! Best of luck with therapy tomorrow.
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Thank you :grouphug: The restrictions might still come back though, it all depends on pandemic statistics... But let's hope!

I just came back from a nice, long walk. I think that if I go to the gym tomorrow, I'll walk there and eat something while in the city center after my workout, then walk back. That will probably help me to rationalize to myself that I can't and I shouldn't start with my "best" weights, because I'll be a bit tired from the walk. I also have "Dances with wolves" waiting for me at the library so I can multitask and get it on the same trip. I read it while I was hospitalized last summer, and it really left an impression... Partially because I was in such a crisis, and it felt good to immerse myself into the text, but it's also subjectively speaking a really great piece of literature.

Of course, it's the evening now and I always feel better in the evenings. Which reminds me that I'll have to eat soon. I have two boiled eggs in the fridge, I'll start with those and see what else I can get down.
 
If you need more rationalization: this physical therapist says you should ease back into your training! Focus on form and mind/muscle connection the first couple of times, not on weight please.
 
LaMaria said:
If you need more rationalization: this physical therapist says you should ease back into your training! Focus on form and mind/muscle connection the first couple of times, not on weight please.
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Thanks :Angel_anim: I'll focus on taking a :chillpill: and starting slowly, not going apeshit and testing my limits. All-or-nothing mentality can bring great results in some contexts, but not when dealing with the physical reality of vulnerable soft tissues.
 
Happy! I had breakfast/lunch around noon - tuna pasta with cheese - and just ate for a second time, this time a tomato-based one pot pasta with corn and white beans, hot sauce and (obviously) cheese. It made me feel really good and is definitely more balanced than just mixing tuna, hot sauce, soy sauce, pasta and cheese together lol. Not a whole lot of produce going on, but I'm not in that kind of a headspace anyway, so "samefooding" for a couple of days (especially now as I'm down to four euros on my bank account until Monday) is not going to be the end of the world. I finished my grocery haul pre-order for Monday, I'm getting my usual staples, but also kiwis and a watermelon and RAF tomatoes, and smoked salmon and fish balls and surimi... This time I'll have to remember to check the dates on everything and freeze the stuff I won't otherwise be able to eat in time. Mostly the folks who collect the items in the order do a good job and there's a lot of shelf life left in the food, but accidents happen.

I haven't been able to shower today yet, but I'll try my best. The occupational therapist thing went well, she's finished with her evaluation and almost done finishing the report, and I'll meet her along with my psychiatrist again on 21.5. to get a psychiatrist's evaluation going and written down to be sent to social services and my pension provider and the benefits system. Phew.
 
Had 8 plant based nuggets and a bit of hummus. I managed to take a shower but something is clearly up with my mental state. I don't think sleep is going to be an option tonight anyway, so I'm trying to trick my brain a bit and made myself a nice cup of coffee. Drinking coffee in the nighttime takes the pressure off - the "I have to sleep, what's wrong with me" - and it also reminds me of when I used to work night shifts and how tired, but serene that made me feel.

I had a really hard time about my body earlier today. It wasn't about weight stuff, but about whether I feel in harmony about having this body, these thoughts always pop up when the weather gets warmer and I'm not fully covered and I feel anxious about being seen as a "woman" by my environment. But I feel better now that I have showered, fed myself, and enjoying a lovely cup of coffee. When I've paid all my bills on Monday, I think I'll order some John Frieda lightening spray and good quality shampoo. I'm almost out of shampoo anyway, and my hair desperately needs a bit of fixing. (I attempted to dye it red in April, but it turned out a really weird hue, the color of pee after eating beets is pretty close and I hate it lol :D )
 
Floater said:
these thoughts always pop up when the weather gets warmer and I'm not fully covered and I feel anxious about being seen as a "woman" by my environment.
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Sounds familiar. On the one hand it's glorious to be able to go out without a coat and feel the air and sun on my skin but at the same time... People might see me, think I (should) want their approval, and have opinions about my body and the way I present it to the world. The anxiety is real sometimes. At the same time: when I do find an outfit that makes me feel like I look the way I feel (?) it feels so good!
 
OK I'm super happy about something. I actually had an idea for a blog post/essay and an illustration to go with it, and wrote down some key words and a scribbly sketch so that I can hold on to it while the idea matures. I haven't been able to do anything remotely artistic in months, but I guess that the fact that the OT evaluations are now over has freed up some space in my brain. It felt amazing to have that spark come back to me.

Also, I feel... Tired?! Despite the coffee. Relaxed, safe, and tired.
 
Before bedtime I had the leftover one pot pasta reheated in the oven with an egg and a bit of cheese on top. I couldn't eat all of it, but a good portion still. Slept soundly, woke up to walk the dog in the morning, went back to sleep because I really needed it, woke up in the afternoon and made coffee and frozen quinoa, lentil and pumpkin mix with tuna, olives and cheese. Looks absolutely gross, is a bit too greasy for my tastes, but it's going to keep me satiated for a long time.

I had a pleasant surprise when I woke up: I had ordered form Burger King a couple of weeks ago and they got my order wrong - and they refunded it in full. I now have 20 euros to last me over the weekend, and that's really nice especially considering that 1st of May is kind of a big thing in Finland. I don't know what I'll buy yet, I don't necessarily need to go shopping today, stores should be open normally tomorrow, but it's nice to know that I can afford something tasty to celebrate the spring.
 
A transfer of stolen capital from a multinational corporation back to the downtrodden masses? No better way to celebrate May first :party: Here stores are closed so workers can march on the center of government along with everyone else :p Probably not gonna happen this year, of course.
 
Haha, that was perfect. Workers of the world, unite!

I had a bit of a low spot earlier today. Still trying to figure out what to eat, but at least I'm feeling better mentally. I feel like I have some big decisions to make when it comes to my recovery and future and all that, and I'm at a place where I'm too much in pain to keep going on the way I've been doing, but yet too scared to take the next leap. Not weight related, more to do with who I am and who I want to be and all that.
 
Floater said:
I'm at a place where I'm too much in pain to keep going on the way I've been doing, but yet too scared to take the next leap. Not weight related, more to do with who I am and who I want to be and all that.
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For most people that would be weight-related, since they either struggle to eat or struggle to not binge when they´re stressed or anxious. But even if it isn´t weight-related this is your diary and you can put into it what you want :)
 
LaMaria said:
For most people that would be weight-related, since they either struggle to eat or struggle to not binge when they´re stressed or anxious. But even if it isn´t weight-related this is your diary and you can put into it what you want :)
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Thank you for the affirmation. <3

Maybe I'll address it here later on, but for now I need to approach it gently or the frustration of it is going to drive me up the walls. I did book an appointment at a charity that I've found to be helpful about the same topic earlier. It's in June, but simply knowing that I will have a chance to discuss my options is helpful.
 
I'm glad that you have a support system in place & know where to go to get help when you're ready for it.
"more to do with who I am and who I want to be and all that."
I think I spent most of my life wondering and worrying about what I should or should not be doing or being. I think it's called existential angst. Whatever we are I'm sure is fine. I never did find any answers. I have never felt that drive that lots have to be a big achiever. We're all different & I mostly enjoy those differences & try not to judge.
Approaching your issues gently or kindly sounds like a good idea to me :grouphug:
 
@Cate I think that there are no definite answers. Existential angst is a prerequisite to a mindful life, not something that would prevent it; to wonder about who we are and how we want to spend our time is so worth it. And then there's stuff that can be fixed, physically/psychologically, to allow us to adjust to reality better. Who really knows the difference. <3
 
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