Floater's diary

Struggling with eating today, again. I've had one sugared energy drink. I have food in the fridge but the thought of eating just doesn't feel good. I do have a pre-made chicken caesar salad in the fridge so I've set a goal to at least eat that and the rest of my watermelon today.

I think this unwillingness to eat might be related to the fact that I've told a couple more friends about my wishes to transition, privately. They have been supportive, some have really worried about whether the process is too much for me, which I appreciate, but it also makes me feel pretty invisible in the sense that I already live in a body horror situation 24/7 so testosterone and surgery can't really make that much worse, right? (But, their heart is defo in the right place. The topic is just fucked up.)
 
I just ordered wakame salad and sushi. A splurge for sure, but I gotta eat.
 
Floater said:
They have been supportive, some have really worried about whether the process is too much for me, which I appreciate, but it also makes me feel pretty invisible in the sense that I already live in a body horror situation 24/7 so testosterone and surgery can't really make that much worse, right? (But, their heart is defo in the right place. The topic is just fucked up.)
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I can see that your friends´ first reaction, without having done all the research you have, would be to worry about you. Most people are more comfortable with the risk of not changing anything than with the risk of changing things. (See also: vaccine fear.) I can also see that their reaction would be stressful to you. It´s definitely a difficult topic! You´ve clearly thought about this a lot and know what you´re talking about, and even at the fastest possible pace you´d still have plenty of time to change your mind and back out long before anything definitive happens. You´ve got this. I hope the salad is delicious!
 
@LaMaria the salad was great, and so was the sushi. It took me about 15 minutes to eat the salad and 15 pieces of sushi, and I loved everything about it. I got inspired enough to go to my local grocery and get some parsley, celery, and "sister's sausages" (a white-ish raw pork sausage with nutmeg used in soups) so I can whip up a nice soup later on.

I also get the idea of being rather safe than sorry about anything that comes to transitioning. I definitely think about it in very rational, pros and cons type of way. While studies show that transitioning leads to better overall health outcomes for trans folks, there are also trans people who can't go through medical transitioning due to pre-existing health issues - and they are every bit as trans nevertheless. In these cases, social transitioning (name change, social security number change, nutritional and training assistance if available) can bring health benefits as well. In general, I don't give a heck about the contents of another person's pantaloons, so whichever way things go for me, I'll be fine. It's going to take years and years anyway, so I better prepare for the limbo.

For those interested, YouTubers Sam Collins and Jammydodger are both ftm trans men and make fun and interesting content about the topic. Both also happen to be very attractive and charismatic - at least to my tastes lol. Hübsche männer.
 
LaMaria said:
:p Always happy to follow links to attractive guys.
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Haha I know. I feel you. :D :D

My friends made fun of me when I confessed to having binge watched Santa Clarita Diet purely because Timothy Olyphant is so freaking hot. The series is LOUSY, but he's basically a perfect human, so I defo didn't watch it for the plot. Sometimes I wonder whether straight guys feel the same about Paris Hilton or whoever is hot to them. I do get attracted to women as well and have been in a relationship with a woman as well, but despite the love being the same, the attraction is different. I guess a good way to put it is, wasabi and chili are both spicy, but they are still very different sensations. :D

(I legit have a celebrity crush on Sam Collins, though. He's the prettiest man I've ever seen. And his voice is like honey.)
 
Today has been complicated. I woke up with really bad stomach cramps and nausea. Might be because of too much Scorpion hot sauce, but I think that stress/emotional stuff due to coming out plays a part as well. My muscle pain, especially in my back and neck, points to the direction of having had stress/PTSD nightmares again.

But not everything was bad. Assistance came over, I paid the rest of my bills, ate 150g of guac with pumpkin seeds, did some chores, and went to the pharmacy with her to get my sedatives. With their aid I managed to take a nap and after walking the dog, I had a smoked salmon rye bread. My goal for today is to just take things easy, eat the rest of the soup in the evening, have a good night's rest, and that's about it.
 
I hope your evening was better & that you are now sleeping well. I’m glad you have the support you do.
 
Thanks, @Cate and @LaMaria :)

I did eat the rest of the soup last night. Took another dose of the sedative before bedtime, slept well, and woke up rested. I had weird dreams again, but nothing too bad.

Assistance came over, I did chores, we walked the dog together, talked about stuff, and I made my first meal of the day - cherry tomatoes and three small toasted tuna sandwiches on rye bread. My goal for today is to go to the gym, even if I just pop my nose inside the doors. I also bought a scale - it'll arrive in a few days. Now that I have a long term health goal in getting approved for the masculinizing treatments, I think I can relate to the scale as a piece of equipment that in addition to a mirror and how my clothes are fitting will tell me whether I'm getting enough nutrition. So I'm not buying it to shrink myself but to get "denser". As dense as my hormones and mental health allow, anyway. :D

Getting to a place where I can talk about my weight and see my weight an a scale, and stand the normal fluctuations, is going to be really important for another reason, too. The trans process is pretty banal when it comes to the trans clinic part of it - the charity org helps with the mental part of it, but the clinic itself is a meat sculpting gallery and not much more. So I need to be able to safely enter a similar mindset of observing, monitoring and changing the body as body builders of athletes might.

I also booked a doctor's appointment to rule out underlying gastric issues like gallstones or whatever, that's gonna be on June 18. I need to be able to eat reliably, often, and not lose working out days due to gastric issues. I also don't want to risk the chance of getting approved for surgery in the future and the croaking it on the operating table because of some hidden issue. A very small chance, but surgeries are no fucking joke.

I'm pretty surprised of the change in my mindset. All the things I thought I could not do have suddenly become doable when contrasted against a dream of a better future.

Anyway, I'm feeling hungry again so I'll have that premade caesar salad now.
 
Floater said:
I'm pretty surprised of the change in my mindset. All the things I thought I could not do have suddenly become doable when contrasted against a dream of a better future.
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Interesting what a difference framing can make, right? Enjoy building that body!
 
LaMaria said:
Interesting what a difference framing can make, right? Enjoy building that body!
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:grouphug:

I made it. I held back of course, after such a long break. Dysphoria hit a couple of times, but I'm glad I ventured into a different gym than my default. I didn't have to stare at myself in the mirror, I could look out of the window and focus on how everything felt (versus how I looked).

I had an omelette and a slice of bread before gym, walked there, just had a recovery drink and will get a sandwich for carbs and walk back.
 
OK NICE. I just checked the map and my total workout added up to 6km of walking (3km from my home to the gym) and I didn't really clock my workout, but I did long reps with little breaks in between and of course added the load between each rep. It's funny how I think of myself as a disgusting blob, and yet can manage decently intense workouts. Then again, a "nice" combination of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria would do that to you I guess.

At one point during my workout, a really pretty, tall, athletic woman came in and did free weights. I wanted to die because I thought, well, here I am wanting to be a man and she lifts more than me. Then I counted the weights I and her had racked and realized that I'm lifting the same as her. GRANTED, I used a safety rack. And it's dumb and childish to compare anyway. But I think it's human to feel insecure and hold oneself to absurd standards. So please forgive me for having had a weak morale moment.
 
:) Forgiveness granted. Awesome that you got a good workout in! Also, for the record: you're not a disgusting blob.
 
It is such a shame that any of us compare ourselves to anyone else, but I think most of us do. As LaMa said you are certainly forgiven :) Will your body change be a gradual one so that you can get used to it slowly? I am interested to learn more about transitioning as someone I love is identifying as trans & the more I know the better. She (they) does not know that I know so we have not had any discussions about it at all, but I want to be better informed when/if she does.
 
Cate said:
Will your body change be a gradual one so that you can get used to it slowly? I am interested to learn more about transitioning as someone I love is identifying as trans & the more I know the better. She (they) does not know that I know so we have not had any discussions about it at all, but I want to be better informed when/if she does.
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Yes, hormones yield gradual, but mostly lasting results. "A second puberty" is a term often used, and very apt in the sense that the hormone treatments take years to get a person to the "final" result, and exact effects are hard to predict. As the growth palates in bones are already closed, there will be no changes to an adult trans person's height. In some countries, trans teens can take puberty blockers to prevent hormonal changes to give them time to think about their gender identity. These have no known side effects, "normal" puberty will kick in once the meds are stopped, after that the person will either grow into their assigned sex or need hormone treatments to transition.

I'm not on hormones yet. I might not even get approved, so there's that, too. (Or; I might opt to not go through treatments at all.) The pace and intensity of hormone treatment changes also depends on whether the transition is ftm ("female to male", testosterone injections or gels) or mtf ("male to female", testosterone blockers plus estrogen pills). Further, it depends on surgery and which parts of original anatomy are left intact or removed/remodelled. Trans women (mtf) usually have orchiectomy aka removal of testes, so estrogen medication could have a better effect. Trans men don't need to have ovaries or other parts of the female reproductive system removed unless they so wish, because testosterone medication will have an effect anyway (voice deepens, menses stop, muscle mass increases, facial hair grows in, hair thins out, the frame fills in and bones become denser, et cetera).

Any changes and the resulting ability to pass as the experienced sex are a bit of a roulette. Changes will take place, though - hormones are powerful stuff.

For best, most accurate info, I recommend looking for trans organizations' and charities' websites. They have the terminology laid out, and often offer consultation to family and friends of trans and questioning people, as well.

I hope this helped :)
 
@Cate and of course, waiting lists to trans clinics are months to years; then the person undergoes months of mental health evaluations, usually has to live as their experienced gender for 1-2 years pre op either on or off hormones depending on several factors, and not everyone goes through operations. So, yeah, the changes are gradual and any trans person has to prove themselves to benefit from any treatments, they aren't just dealth out willy nilly. :)
 
Cate said:
Thank you. That helped a lot. I’ll get better informed, for sure.
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Always happy to help! And don't worry, I didn't say it snippily to ask professionals, it's just that I might accidentally give out some wrong details, and also, support is available. :)
 
@Cate , I'd like to add that nonbinary people can also get feminizing or masculinizing treatments in case they have dysphoria. This is the situation where I've felt like I've been before, but in Finland it's insanely hard to get any treatments if you identify as nonbinary instead of a trans man or a trans woman, so that's why I was focusing on those two options only. But it's also why I included the mention that I may not end up getting anything. It's messy, complicated, and very bureaucratic too...
 
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