Floater's diary

Yay on finding clothes you can feel good in! I´ve bought motivation clothes before and it´s hardly ever a good idea. You just never know what shape you´re going to be exactly.
 
LaMaria said:
I´ve bought motivation clothes before and it´s hardly ever a good idea. You just never know what shape you´re going to be exactly.
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Exactly. Sizing isn't everything, it's also about how the clothes fit.

I did my makeup and hair - I might cut it into more layers so I can tease it up into a glam rock/goth shag puff. On a less happy note, my Word license has expired so I'll have to ask my dad for the money to renew it. I was trying to do some online trans themed writing assignments so that when I get to the clinic, I have a "boy portfolio" ready to go, so it was super disappointing to not be able to do that. Ugh.
 
I've had a cheese sandwich for breakfast, 200g if surimi for lunch (I was gagging as I ate it), but then decided to have suffered enough, took a sedative, pan-fried myself a 400g bag of pimento peppers, and ate the rest of the tuna potato salad. The pimento peppers were insanely good, I might go buy more tonight, the taste was so different from what I had expected!
 
Glad you managed to cook upsome food your body was happy about. Isn't there a free/open source alternative to Word you could use? Pretty sure I'm still on Open Office :blush5: As long as you export things in PDF it doesn't really matter, does it?
 
LaMaria said:
Isn't there a free/open source alternative to Word you could use? Pretty sure I'm still on Open Office :blush5: As long as you export things in PDF it doesn't really matter, does it?
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Theoretically, yes, I could switch to Open, I even have it installed. But it sucks with some of the tools (headlines, page numbering) that would be very handy whenever I get back to my novel which I originally started in Word.

Then again... Maybe this is one of the cases where my autism makes it hard to switch from one thing to another? Like, Word was the norm in Uni so I'm used to that, but maybe I can ask someone to help me with getting familiar to Open Office? The assistant with physiotherapy degree, let's call him TU, is also tech savvy and he should come around again next week.

The thunder has subsided, I had a lovely walk in the forest and by the pond with Nera, my dog. Life isn't all that bad.
 
I´m not very tech savvy and adjusted to Open quite easily (a looong time ago...) but I´ve never had very high-level demands of the program so I´m sure that plays a role. A post-thunder walk in the forest sounds wonderful!
 
I made a big batch of sausage soup with a ton of veggies, peas, white beans, and pasta. I notice that now that the weather's been cooling down, my left knee is getting sore even from just walking. So getting some nice hot soup should help with that.
 
That post thunder walk in the forest does sound lovely. The weather has cooled down a lot here & aches and pains are appearing everywhere with me too. I think I adjust each year, but maybe I'm hoping....
 
@Cate I feel you about that...

I had vivid dreams in which I was already living as a man, and although the dreams had some nightmare elements to them, I was really reluctant to wake up and walk the dog. I also feel a bit sick, could be harmless from the colder weather, or a real problem. Hard to say yet.
 
My anxiety is through the roof today. I've had a relatively active day, I cleaned up, the apartment smells fresh and lovely... But I had to hide my scale because the desire to starve myself hit me out of nowhere. It's related to the helplessness I feel about my body. I don't know if I make any sense, but there's a deep frustration about the fact that even if I hired a PT and worked myself towards a stage body, the body would still feel wrong to me and will continue to do so until hormones and surgery. While I obviously recognize the benefits of eating a balanced diet and exercising (both now in this moment, and in the future), both require being present in this body which my mind desperately doesn't want to inhabit.

Today I've eaten the rest of yesterday's soup, and a two-egg parmesan omelette. I'll go to the gym either today or tomorrow unless I get sick (I have a sore throat and a stuffy nose, but that could be allergies too). Dysphoria is at peak levels. I feel like a fat caterpillar.
 
Yup definitely have to take a weather check on the gym, I started coughing and it doesn't seem to go away. Sigh
 
Floater said:
While I obviously recognize the benefits of eating a balanced diet and exercising (both now in this moment, and in the future), both require being present in this body which my mind desperately doesn't want to inhabit.
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That makes total sense. It sounds like it sucks, but it makes sense :grouphug:
Hope your cold is just a cold and passes quickly.
 
I didn't dare to go to the gym just in case I could infect others (can't wear a mask there etc), but after eating guac with lime juice, fresh celery, pumpkin seeds and a big splurge of hot sauce to open up my congested nose, I walked the dog and then walked to the supermarket to get trash bags and 1,5 kg of on-sale cherry tomatoes as well as a pack of pita breads. (I've started to get a little bit sick of pasta, so eating pita bread with protein and veg instead for a while sounded like a welcome change. Also, a very cheap option.)

My stomach is REALLY swollen and I have some fluid buildup in my ankles. The doctors all say it's normal when having IBS, could be that or some kind of a hormone imbalance. Sorry about droning on and on about trans stuff here, but my breasts are really lumpy and sore. I've had them screened regularly, and doctors just say they aren't cancerous so I should just deal with the soreness and lumpiness. It's ludicrous how much women and AFAB (assigned female at birth) folks have to face belittling in health care. It's almost like doctors are taught some super dank biblical ideas about the curse of Eve and suffering as a normal result and outcome of having a female reproductive system. Groan.

I'll still have to eat before bedtime... Waiting for hunger and inspiration.


LaMaria said:
That makes total sense. It sounds like it sucks, but it makes sense :grouphug:
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Thank you :grouphug:
 
Floater said:
Sorry about droning on and on about trans stuff here, but my breasts are really lumpy and sore. I've had them screened regularly, and doctors just say they aren't cancerous so I should just deal with the soreness and lumpiness.
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Not trans but this exact thing is one of the reasons I´d kind of like to snap my fingers and have my breasts disappear. It´s not as bad as it was when I was heavier but it´s still low-grade annoying and worrying.
 
LaMaria said:
Not trans but this exact thing is one of the reasons I´d kind of like to snap my fingers and have my breasts disappear. It´s not as bad as it was when I was heavier but it´s still low-grade annoying and worrying.
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:grouphug: Goes to show that culturally we have some WEIRD ideas about breasts. I have several cis woman friends who have voiced similar sentiments. And yet doctors, especially men, and hetero men in general treat titties as if they were the most important part of a person. ("Save second base" and "save the boobies" are such humiliating slogans for so called breast cancer awareness campaigns...)

By the way, I don't know if you have seen the television series Oz, but I absolutely love it. It's a drama series with some surrealistic and sci-fi elements sprinkled in, and it takes place in a men's prison. One of the inmates develops breast cancer (which can occur in men too). I was still closeted when I was watching it and remember talking about it to my old therapist, remarking that I can't understand why I find the character so sympathetic despite their character being a complete Machiavellian sociopath. But the show handled it very well how the guy was more afraid of being perceived as effeminate in a prison setting, than about the cancer itself.

PS: I've poisoned my brain with too many dumbass Marvel movies, but they are by now part of the Western cultural canon, no, scratch that, GLOBAL cultural canon, so I laughed out loud at the finger snapping one's breasts off Thanos style. I need to go to the trans clinic with that level of confidence - "I am inevitable"
 
I have always been grateful to have small breasts. I feel sorry for women whose breasts are the focal point for people's eyes. I know that makes me a bit different to a lot of women who seem to think bigger breasts will make them more attractive, but I would think having big breasts would be an absolute inconvenience.
Don't worry about focussing on trans stuff in your diary. This is your diary & I think it's interesting & educational.
LaMaria said:
Yes! Raise your head, square your shoulders, and rule that clinic.
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:iagree: with LaMa :)
 
Last night I made a tomato sauce with 500g of cherry tomatoes, celery, edamame beans, corn, and a pack of bacon cut into strips for extra flavor, and seasoned it with my mandatory hot sauce and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Last night I baked my leftover, already a bit stale parmesan cheese into two pita-bread sized "chips" and filled a pita bread with them and the sauce. (Wastefulness avoided, also it was a total TREAT!)

I had the same tomato sauce and a two-egg omelette stuffed into two pita breads for breakfast/lunch right now - it was a bit like "huevos rancheros" but with pita bread. The portion size seemed good, I'm full but not too full, and it should keep me satiated for a long time.
 
Sounds delicious. You seem to be doing really well making great-tasting, nourishing food for yourself no matter what else is going on.
 
LaMaria said:
Sounds delicious. You seem to be doing really well making great-tasting, nourishing food for yourself no matter what else is going on.
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Thank you. I'm really surprised about this myself. I guess it's a good sign over all that I am able to do that. I just woke up from a nap and made tuna toasts, the tuna filling turned out a bit too salty I think but maybe the unsalted cherry tomatoes will balance it out in the oven. If not, I'm sure it's still less sodium than having a burger or something like that.
 
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