Floater's diary

Floater said:
I have! And I can finally acknowledge it out loud! I´m hella tough and hard working! Thank you forum mom, you have been such a big part of this journey!
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I am so glad that we can share your journey, Arvo. I love being able to call you that, now 💓
As your forum mum/auntie, I'm proud of you 🥰
 
Brunch was lentil stew and half a pint of Ben & Jerry´s. After that I had a meeting and came out to some new folks all of whom were super supportive and validating. And I´m just about to leave for a walk with Ms Civilian Friend. I shaved my nonexistent beard, and it somehow made me feel so much better. Last week I transferred all my old makeup products into a box, out of sight. I may want to play with them for Halloween or use a bit of concealer before important stuff, but I no longer need to paint a face on top of my face to be able to deal with this world. That´s kinda cool. I can see in the mirror that while I´m still a tad chubby, my waistline has shrunk during these two months of sobriety from alcohol. I´m not going to hop on the scale for a while. Right now it´s all about getting a healthy routine in place and win the headgame.
 
Had a bowl of lentil stew and a banana before going aqua jogging, a banana in the locker room, and at home rice noodles with avocado
 
Cate said:
& that's most of the battle. Putting away the makeup into a box is a very good idea. Enjoy your walk, Arvo xo
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Oh the walk was great! I think I was pretty suave about something. She had mentioned last time that her plants all died when the heating was turned on, so I asked if she´d be interested in a bottle garden? She gave me a calibration side-eye and I explained to her that a bottle garden is a closed system with a drainage layer, soil, plant, and a small amount of water, and that if the conditions are right, it will sustain itself without any care because the water cycles inside. And that my project for this summer is to make one and if I get it right, I´d be interested to know whether it can survive elsewhere too. "Like at my place?" she said and laughed. And I said yeah. Best to get some big glass jars to get started so I don´t show myself as a moron whose money isn´t where his mouth is. (Fuuuckkk, it feels so great to use that pronoun!)

By the way, I´m going to keep my female name as a second name: Arvo Aurea. It´s not my deadname anyway because it was chosen as symbol of survival and rebuilding after I had been brutally assaulted several times and brought to the death´s door once all in the span of six months. The meaning of the name is not a coincidence. It´s Latin for "gold" and it was like an armor built around the need to survive and progress in a world that was incredibly hostile towards me and unable to detect and help me overcome my lifetime of abuse. I had to climb up from that pit and the only way to do it was to become as inculpable as possible. I dreamt of transforming my body since I was a very young child. When I saw the Naughties X-Men movies, I was obsessed with Mystique and the disdain in her voice when she is addressed as Raven and in response she crosses her arms under her scaly, lapis lazuli colored chest and says "I do not respond to my slave name". I worked hard to get jobs and try different educations until I landed in Uni studying Theology. I was a mannequin running on Good Girl Protocol but the rebellion never went away and often turned into self-harming behaviors like drinking. But I did my best and the name that got me to this point deserves recognition.

Very lighthearted chit chat we are having tonight :D
 
Floater said:
I explained to her that a bottle garden is a closed system with a drainage layer, soil, plant, and a small amount of water, and that if the conditions are right, it will sustain itself without any care because the water cycles inside. --- Best to get some big glass jars to get started so I don´t show myself as a moron whose money isn´t where his mouth is.
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There´s a meme that hits the nail right on the head. "Autistic people flirt like birds". Besides, a suave way to avoid being pushy. I´m like a reverse Beast from the Disney animation. I dreamt of that transformation btw. :/ It´s rough to walk around being called pretty but feeling like a monster.
Floater said:
(Fuuuckkk, it feels so great to use that pronoun!)
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Incidentally, in the bird world, male birds are physically smaller and in tons of species put on special displays of talent and good health/looks/ability for the female who chooses her mate. As a young child I was fascinated by that concept. I´m a blackbird. Because I dress in black from head to toe and sing (talk) nice.

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You sound really happy. You also now have me picturing you as a flirting bird. Time for sleep, Arvo. Time for sleep 🥰 :sleeping:
 
Ms Civilian Friend asked me to join Bible study group today so I will do that and come out there as well. Gym can wait til tomorrow
 
I had the last sex therapist appointment today and the statement she wrote was great and I have a good feeling about things going forward!!! Too exhausted to even think lol. But in a good way.
 
Oh - moving up, now I gotta get serious about losing 10kg. Sobriety is going fantastic, no cravings. But 10 kg's gotta go.

Scary. But doable.
 
You're doing so well I'm sure you'll crush this goal too. Maybe set a slowness goal for it if you're afraid it might lead you into ed thoughts?
 
Llama said:
You're doing so well I'm sure you'll crush this goal too.
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Thank you <3
Llama said:
Maybe set a slowness goal for it if you're afraid it might lead you into ed thoughts?
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Now this is a great idea, thanks Llama :grouphug:
 
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