Floater's diary

Can of sardines, 200g of cottage cheese, four slices of rye bread with marg& falafels (forgot I had those and they need to be eaten)
 
I slept for a few hours and woke up as assistance rang the doorbell. I asked them to give me more morning visits so I can get my sleep schedule fixed. I tend to struggle in the spring and summer, sleeping days and being up at night. And that just won´t do.

Having coffee. I have SMART at 2PM and I´ll try to motivate myself for a short walk beforehand. I´ll buy one more two-pack of nicotine spray to help curb my hunger before I adjust to my weight loss diet. Took out fruit to thaw.
 
I didn´t get the meeting link so I prepped a lush stew of minced meat, roasted veggies, bulgur, and red lentils instead. I´ll have that as breakfast after I´ve eaten my bowl of fruit.
 
Best to take some rye bread and fruit to thaw, I can feel the hunger stir up. (I sound like a werewolf lol) I'll have 200g of cottage cheese as well
 
Breakfast: rice, falafels, avocado, sauerkraut, and a protein shake. I had a great talk with a trans nonprofit support provider. Life feels good and the scales have now balanced at 93kg which is great. I´m feeling motivated and feeling like I really have the edge here by getting on top of the weight loss before any doctor can give me grief about it.
 
I guess this is techically lunch... A bowl of stew and rye bread with a fried egg.

I painted today, finished the first layer. I think it´ll turn out great but of course there´s still so much to do. I do like the composition.
 
The better I get in touch with my repressed anger, the calmer I become. :) I can finally chill instead of acting in harmful ways towards myself
 
I think you mean that you are becoming calmer over time as you deal with your suppressed anger. It is not being masked. That is such a good thing. Unless I have missed something else that has happened recently xo
 
Cate said:
I think you mean that you are becoming calmer over time as you deal with your suppressed anger. It is not being masked. That is such a good thing. Unless I have missed something else that has happened recently xo
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You haven´t missed anything <3 Nowadays I just use my anger in constructive ways. I live and THRIVE sometimes out of pure spite towards everything that tried to bring me down. All the anger at the injustices I have felt is no longer this heat that drove me to seek relief through injuring myself with ED behaviors or self-injury or booze. Weed I still vape but that will eventually no longer be needed either.

There´s a scene in the anime series "Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex", where a fully cyborgized, apparently female Major Motoko has a discussion with her male colleague, who asks why she chose a female body when she could look like any huge hulk. The Major has a women´s wrist watch she always wears, and jokes that she likes the watch too much. She then goes serious and says, "maybe it´s nostalgia". Later it is revealed that she was one of the first two people who were ever fully cyborgized. Both were children who had been in a traffic accident, too mangled to survive without transferring their brains into a cyborg body. As the process was still experimental, the recovery process was very traumatic. The Major´s original body was a girl, and the other child was a boy. By the conclusion of the series, the Major has abandoned not only her female cyborg body and wristwatch, but also her paramilitary status and has become self-aware enough to split her consciousness between several bodies to silently work for the good of the society. The reason she ended up in that career was that her body was impossibly costly to upkeep and only a _state_ could keep her alive. But instead of becoming bitter about what she had been put through, she - or they? - uses the skills acquired during an extraordinary hard live to do her part in ensuring no other human should be put such pain. It´s an amazing series and it deeply influenced my own ideas about my gender and what I could become. To the point I even got her haircut and dyed it purple haha. (Looked great on me btw.)

It feels so good to watch my transitioning fears melt away like snow in April. I´m going to look amazing. I´ll ask for finasteride to keep my hair on my head once I go on T. It will slow down the voice drop, beard growth and downstairs changes, but they will eventually happen, too. And I have a nice, delicate face, I´ll look like a cherub. :D Some good dietary choices and a healthy exercise habit to the mix, plus sunscreen and skin care, I´ll look gorgeous by my fourties. And just the chest masculinization is going to do so much for my overall vibe.

I´m gonna do this and sobriety serves this so well!
 
Cate said:
I love seeing you become stronger & more determined. Sobriety does suit you xoxo
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And transitioning, especially. That´s what lead to sobriety really, and now weight loss.

Breakfast: pineapple and cherries, a bowl of stew. Then therapy, lunch at an Indian buffet, and aqua jogging
 
The indian buffet lunch after therapy was great, went aqua jogging for 120 mins and swam a lap, had locker room protein shake, now at home having stew for dinner. I need to food prep tomorrow and tomorrow is also gym day.
 
Floater said:
And transitioning, especially. That´s what lead to sobriety really, and now weight loss.
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& that's how I see it- as a natural progression for you xo
 
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