Floater's diary

I called the police advice line and explained that for years I have doubted that something´s off about my birth records and that I believe a forensic blood sample to find out if I´m the product of incest should provide evidence.

The police took me seriously and will send a ping/task to my local police dept, who will figure out how to proceed and call me back.

I did it.

And if it turns out I´m wrong, that´s that I guess, but this is worth a try. After all I didn´t file a report of a crime, I contacted the police with doubts, and it was well within my rights to do so.
 
:grouphug: All the hugs, my friend.
 
Thank you @Llama.

Breakfast was lentil stew. Hit the gym, soy protein + matcha + sugar shake in the locker room, bought some groceries, now having oatmeal w blueberries and 200g of cottage cheese for lunch.

It´s weird. For years I was so scared that something bad would happen and I would be sent to prison if I told, because I was made to think that way as a kid, and for years I thought it was all "just" related to CSA, but it isn´t. Yeah like now that I have done something it might be considered dubious that my dad helps me out with rent, but if it turns out I´m wrong, he´s just doing it to be nice, and if if turns out I´m right, I didn´t have strong enough doubts until now to not accept the financial help, and I really can´t see how my dad could claim it´s extortion later on, because typically in blackmail cases the person who´s doing the extortion knows what´s up for sure and possesses material evidence which I do not do unless it´s in my literal blood, which right now is still very much Schrödinger´s evidence. Until my blood gets tested. So I think I´m ethically and legally OK about this. Also, my father might grow suspicious if I told I´m cutting them off. It´s best to deal with the task at hand because even if some later legal circus tricks may put pressure on me and lead so some kind of legal consequences (can you tell I´m absolutely TERRIFIED of my parents and what they are capable of doing?), it´s still well worth it if I get clarity about my parentage.

I have the right to know who I am and where I´m coming from.
 
You 100% do. And unless you literally told your dad you'd go to the police if he didn't pay your rent you weren't blackmailing him afaik.
 
Llama said:
You 100% do. And unless you literally told your dad you'd go to the police if he didn't pay your rent you weren't blackmailing him afaik.
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I never did anything like that! This is the first time I have the memories "in congruence" for long enough and outside therapy to even write it down, much less ring any police advice line. But thanks, it still helps to have someone soothe me because as a kid I used to think my parents are these incredible geniuses I could never be a match for, and that emotional state/belief still very much exists within me.
 
Your parents are trash. They wouldn't have stood a chance against current you if they hadn't started breaking you down so early. They still don't, of course, but they did manage to make things unnecessarily difficult for you.
 
Me and all the other children in that household.

Bedtime meal: hummus pasta with lemon juice, roasted chickpeas and Parmesan cheese, also a 42g box of raisins
 
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I feel sick hearing about your parents & your childhood, Arvo. They don't deserve to be in the same space as you. You have done well to get to where you are now :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
I feel sick hearing about your parents & your childhood, Arvo. They don't deserve to be in the same space as you. You have done well to get to where you are now :grouphug:
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I really hope I'm wrong about this but IDK it keeps coming back and checking it out won't hurt anyone. Thank you <3
 
I woke up and cleaned up before my brother´s ex came for a visit. It was nice seeing her and we ended up talking for four hours!

Breakfast was lentil stew. Now having lunch: a bowl of mango, rye bread with two-egg omelette, and I´m making rice either for later or to go with lunch if I´m super hungry. If I´m not, I´ll have a lovely portion of rice when I come back from the pool hungry.
 
Yup I´ll save the rice for later, I also had half an avocado and cubed the other half in some lemon juice for later. I put two pollock fillets in the fridge to thaw a bit and marinated them in advance, I´ll pop them in the oven and they should be done in 20mins or so after I get home.

I have a soy protein + matcha + sugar shake in my backpack as well as a banana, I´ll have those in the locker room, and I´m off to the pool now. I had some chocolate and candied ginger with M, my brother´s ex, and I still have some left for later which is nice.
 
Aqua jogged for 120 mins, forgot my banana so I´ll have one and 200g of cottage cheese as a snack before tonight´s meeting. I´ll have rice, avocado & pollock after the meeting and hopefully fall asleep easily.

I hope the police will call me back soon and not just leave me hanging but if they DO leave me hanging I´ll just go to the police station in person and ask what´s up. If they won´t do anything about it, I guess the next step is to just call the health center, ask for a doc appointment and say I _have_ to get tested.

I´m worried about my sister. We were no contact for years and are now in contact again and I know that just before my hospitalization we agreed on a safe word she´d use if her home life gets too much. Of course weeks of insomnia and then being put on antipsychotics for a couple of months while I was in the psych ward (it was later noted that I should not have been put on those but the hospital staff refused to believe I´m autistic and the meds mess me up, so I had to take them until I was transferred to a neuropsych ward) erased my memory so I have no idea what we agreed I´d do if she used the word. Shit, I´m not even sure if I remember that correctly. Dealing with amnesia is pure hell. But I told her I have memory gaps. Hopefully she understands that whatever we agreed, just refuses to be found in my wetware, and can do her own choices.
 
I'm sure just having someone to talk to is a help for her. You can't do everything for everyone while you have so much to deal with yourself.
 
Llama said:
I'm sure just having someone to talk to is a help for her. You can't do everything for everyone while you have so much to deal with yourself.
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This is true. It sucks we can´t really talk with her abusive asshole of a partner listening in. But yeah all I can do is be available to her and deal with things as they arise I guess.

Pollock´s in the oven. I think I´ll fall asleep like a log after eating. I´m emotionally and mentally pretty exhausted.
 
Try to concentrate on continuing to care well for yourself & do the things that make you feel good. Are you catching up with Ms CF this week?
 
Cate said:
Try to concentrate on continuing to care well for yourself & do the things that make you feel good.
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Thank you. For now, Heikki was kind enough to arrange me with something to focus on the present as he stole a piece of chocolate-covered ginger and ate a bit of the chocolate before I got it off his hands. Chocolate, of course, being highly toxic to chinchillas. Thank fuck it was just a thin layer on top of the ginger. I called the vet and they told me to just monitor him, as the vet can´t really do anyting anyway because chinchillas can´t be made to vomit.
Cate said:
Are you catching up with Ms CF this week?
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Yeah we talked on Messenger yesterday, she´s got a ton of work this week but things will get a bit easier once the week is over and she gets to focus on her studies (taking a leave of absence to study). I hope we get to go on a walk then.

But yeah please God let Heikki be ok. I would lose my mind if he died because of me not having the wits to move to chocolates away from the table into the cupboard.
 
It sounds like Heikki only ate a very small amount of chocolate & hopefully he'll be ok. Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't know any perfect people.
I hope you get to have that walk later in the week xo
 
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