Far from nothing. Plenty of people around who'd never inconvenience themselves for another creature, human or otherwise.
Thank you.
I think I need to put more thought into this: I´m so caring about people and animals close to me, but self-care is sometimes so hard. I´ve been getting better at it though. And it´s like this writhing mass of things that needs fixing, from gender dysphoria to my struggles with stress and appetite, migraines, and sometimes physical pain and fatigue from wacky connective tissue. But I´m still doing my best. I think that when a year ago I opened the windows after Nera was confirmed dead, and told her she can jump into my heart instead if she wants to, it really changed my perspective towards self-care. It´s like the symbolism of it - my body now representing hers as well - has made it a little bit easier to prioritize self-care.
It might sound silly or childish, but I think that pretty much EVERYTHING we do from lifestyle changes to weight loss to exercise routines or managing chronic illnesses and pain starts in the head. I still struggle seeing myself as fully human and deserving of a good life. But I struggle less with it than a year ago. And today I have been sober from alcohol for two months. I´m really happy that once I got my mind into it, I haven´t had any cravings. I do have days when I wish I could be zoinked off my gourd because everything feels too much, but I haven´t had any temptations or euphoric recall to drink, not even once. That alone is a big, positive life style change that will impact my health in a positive way for the years and decades to come. (Not judging people who drink responsibly and enjoy it! It´s just that I didn´t drink responsibly, the portions kept creeping up lately, and I didn´t even enjoy it anymore. I don´t regret having drank alcohol, I had some great times with it too and I believe it even helped me process some incredibly painful stuff. But I also understand that while alcohol may have broken down some walls and barriers in my head, the hard work was all done by me, not the substance. Alcohol was a friend, and not all friendships last a lifetime, and that´s okay.) I have also lost a bit of weight based on how my clothes sit on my body. I´m still nowhere near the BMI requirements of the trans clinic - but then again, I´m also nowhere near to get to start HRT and eventually surgical treatment. It´s going to take years, maybe a decade or even longer. I can impact this somewhat but not fully.
A funny thing: I was massively dysphoric last night and was pretty much certain I´ll never get to transition. I decided to watch the fourth season of "The Dragon Prince" on Netflix - one of my comfort series that I have just felt too antsy and irritated to get back to. And it had a FtM character in it. "All the other kids saw me as a doe, but I always knew I was a buck." And despite this just being a silly fantasy cartoon, it really made my night. I am struggling so hard with my identity and my dysphoria, but there are children growing up now who will be understood and will be supported and will hopefully never have to go through the wrong puberty, or at least will get to transition in their 20s.
Anyway: I´ll slap on some sunscreen and head to the gym. My little kobold is sleeping tight in his cage. And I really do believe that the connection I had with Nera hasn´t broken, it´s just different. It´s a lovely thought.
I'm so glad to hear (and see!) that it's getting easier for you to take care of yourself.
