That phantom pain sure sounds like actual pain to me.
Yeah. The phrase "pain is in the brain" doesn´t mean it´s not real, my nervous system remembers the original pain, and although most of the time my hands just feel numb or tingly, the injuries did damage the nerves and when I´m anxious or remembering things related to the injuries, it´s like the pain is activated again. Thank you for validating my experience, forum mom
I absolutely love pottering around with my pot plants. I have another baby Monstera coming up that I'll pot in its own pot today. I look around & see my baby plants that have grown up & they give me a lot of joy. I have given quite a few away. It's very therapeutic.
It´s lovely to tend to plants and to propagate them! Ms Civilian Friend said she can´t keep her houseplants alive. This spring/summer I want to experiment building a "bottle garden" for her. I have a window that´s facing the same direction as hers so I can try out the optimal combination of plants, soil mixture, amount of water circulating in the bottle garden, and drainage solutions to increase the likelihood of the bottle garden staying alive. As the bottle garden is it´s own tiny ecosystem, she won´t need to worry about watering it or changes in room temperature and moisture. That´s the idea of one anyway.
I was super restless and in physical and mental pain, so I attended an extra SMART meeting and it was facilitated by Joseph Gerstein, one of the creators of SMART. (I didn´t realize who he was until he appeared on camera.) It was fascinating. I went in anxious, because today I set a date for my brother´s ex to come over for coffee, because I don´t think I can delay telling her at least the broad strokes of the truth about what our family was like growing up. I´m terrified about my parents victimizing my niece and just as terrified about not having told the truth sooner. But I wasn´t well enough before and may not even have been believed. I still may not be believed, or my niece´s mom might be furious I didn´t tell sooner. I explained that I´m having a hard time dealing with this and the emotions of guilt and pain and feeling like I should have quit drinking sooner and should have gotten mentally better sooner. Interestingly, Gerstein asked me about the situation in which I got sober (you guys know the story, nothing dramatic, was at home coming down with the flu and a slight hangover, googled around, found SMART and went "I´m doing this now".) He asked if I was feeling elated and excited in that moment, and I said yes. He then asked a few questions about whether I have urges or cravings, and I answered truthfully that I don´t really have either, only "echoes" sometimes as I call them. He said they sound like just thoughts, which I find accurate, and said that the difference is that a thought passes and is harmless. Which is how I´ve felt about the odd occasional "in this situation I would have drank" or "wouldn´t a whiskey feel nice now". Both passing and harmless. He said that he has seen people have "secular conversions" as he calls them. And I genuinely think I may have been lucky enough to have one. Because despite not wanting to jinx things by loudly declaring I´m never ever going to drink again, I feel disinterested towards alcohol. Where there used to be a belief that it helps with my mental agony, there´s just... Crickets.
I hope I don´t sound like a looney tune but just before the meeting I also called a church helpline and explained the situation with my brother´s ex, and the person there was very helpful and empathetic and prayed with me for me to find the right words. And right after I went to a meeting and was facilitated to the realization that the ease and certainty I have felt about leaving alcohol behind is not common, but when it happens, it´s a powerful thing. I know I said in the beginning I´m going to go until the end of 2024 without alcohol because I didn´t want to set myself up for a failure with a bar set too high. But that wasn´t cowardice. It was me setting a goal I knew I could achieve. And I can´t see the future so it would be illogical to declare that I will never drink again. I can, however, have faith in my choice and in myself. And that´s how I felt when I wrote here in mid-December that I feel like Elsa with the gloves having come off. I even cried out of sheer relief, and I remember sobbing by my kitchen sink feeling like a boulder has been lifted off my chest. So yeah I do think the term "secular conversion" is in place here.
IDK, reading this will probably give you lovely people an emotional whiplash, but I know I´ll go to bed calm, safe and with a lot to think about for later.
I love your insights & self-awareness.
The fogginess is an issue yes, which is why I want to experiment at home first!