Floater's diary

It feels a little bit wrong somehow to put the piece online before I have gifted it to my friend, and I have this irrational fear of "what´s going to happen to it in the digital space" and "what if I´m jinxing everything by sharing it" but those are just magical thinking. Then again, the process of painting is magical thinking in a way. I do not plan or think, I just let the brush move and for most of the part am, for once, not terrified of making mistakes. My initials AS can be seen in the lower lefthand corner as proof that I´m proud of what I did especially after such a long break from painting.

So here it is: my two-headed dragon in a fairytale Midsummer garden, asking itself all the important questions and answering them from two different perspectives, looking back at the viewer, maybe challenging their perception. I did my best to include Ms Civilian Friend´s favorite colors in it - jewel tones of blue, green, and purple. The lack of perspective is intentional and meant to pay homage to medieval tapestries and manuscript margin scribbles. There is no separation between the sky and the ground, the dragon exists in a moment of togetherness and dialogue within itself and its surroundings.
 

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Lunch was a protein shake and a small bowl of mango. Aqua jogged for 60 mins, the pool was packed to the gills and noisy AF so I didn´t feel like doing the whole 90 but that´s totally fine. Locker room porridge. Got some groceries on my way home, had a stick of red licorice and mashed potatoes with meat+veggie balls for dinner. I´ll probably also have 200g of cottage cheese and some chocolate for dessert, because my breakfast and lunch were so light. EDIT: and so I did.

I think I need to sit down for a while before deciding how to spend this evening. Food prep would probably be a good idea. I want the home to be extra nice when Ms Civilian Friend pops by tomorrow. Heikki still needs his run for today and as we all know, he´s not a clean little man. So I think I´ll leave the cleaning up for tomorrow morning.

I feel happy.
 
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Prepped marinated eggs.

Bedtime snack: two boiled eggs, cold rice, sauerkraut & avocado, a small piece of truffle cheese and a handful of crackers.
 
Today is rest day. Breakfast was cold rice & tuna. I did a big cleanup and food prep: five portions of lentil and black bean stew and six portions worth of minced meat, veggie, potato and feta cheese casserole. Ate one portion of each for lunch because breakfast was so light.

Ms Civilian Friend visited and picked up the painting. I think she liked it. She said that no one has made her something like that before, and was happy with the color scheme. We agreed that I´ll go visit her place next. I´m happy.

I need to wake up early tomorrow, as I have therapy from 12.15-13.45. I´m excited about a longer session, 45 mins runs short, we´ll see how 1,5hrs works out for us. I used to have 90 min sessions with my last therapist and for me personally it was fantastic. Tomorrow is also gym day so I´ll go either before or after therapy. I also need to go take a passport style picture for my disability swim card, but if I´m too wiped tomorrow, that can wait. (I also still have a herpes sore on my lip, so.) I want to keep busy today so I´ll be more likely to fall asleep easily tonight, so I´ll time my rent and bills in advance and try to come up with as much busywork as possible.
 
Floater said:
Ms Civilian Friend visited and picked up the painting. I think she liked it. She said that no one has made her something like that before
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... And I, a fucking donkey, responded with "well, now [someone] has". WHY oh why could I not have been more suave?

Dinner was a small bowl of pineapple and a small bowl of casserole. Now having a snack of rice, two marinated eggs, and arugula.
 
Thanks forum mom. 💐 Ms Civilian Friend gets me overthinking because I really want to be on my best behavior for her. But she invited me for tea some day, so I can't have been THAT bad 😆

Bedtime snack: a rye bread sandwich with hummus and arugula, a bowl of lentil soup, a small bowl of pineapple & mango. :)
 
Therapy was good. I had lunch at an Indian buffet and took passport photos for my disability swim card. At the gym now.
 
At the cafe for some post workout caffeine and sugar. Had my first ever fail doing bench press. I did two more sets without issues but it was a bit scary still. I somehow just lost focus, glad I don't use stoppers, I could slide the weights down on one side and got out unharmed 🙈 I was unusually tired and my head & joints hurt. I might postpone tomorrow's aqua jogging to Sunday, in any case I'll need to be careful to not injure myself. There wasn't even that much weight on the bar, the total weight was 32,5. I'll go to the sauna as I get home.
 
Had 200g of cottage cheese and an artificially sweetened energy drink as a snack before sauna. Sauna helped with me feeling disoriented/dissociated, but interestingly my dysphoria feels sky high at the moment. Probably because we discussed the topic in therapy and how angry I am at myself for having gained weight from booze kcals. Being mad at myself obviously isn't helpful. And I know my dysphoria is making me (being slightly overweight) feel like I weigh a quarter ton. I'm glad though that my therapist is consistently supportive about me progressing towards transitioning step by step, while also recognizing that in order to stay sane I have to focus on the slight positives of not being able to transition yet, like not having to give labwork every few months etc.

I need to eat but I need to go lie down for a bit. I have an excruciating headache.
 
I had two small portions of minced meat and potato casserole for dinner. Went to a LGBTQ+ meeting and it felt really special this time. I shared some stuff I don´t share in the mixed meetings and it felt natural and safe. Feeling very tired. Ex is coming over soon and we´ll vape a bit. I hope I´ll sleep soundly tonight.
 
Cate said:
I hope you feel better in the morning :grouphug:
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@Cate I'm feeling amazing. I'm high, but I finally found shoes that bring me gender euphoria. They are RIDICULOUS gothy platform shoes, black pvc with green hologram flames. Very.comfortable and give me more height without ass protrusion. I can clomp away in a leisurely fashion and the shoes feel almost like prostheses. My brain feels like it's at the correct height. Marvelous. And they look a bit silly to remind me that life's not so serious! I'm a bit unusual for a guy so I can't afford to take things so seriously. I don't want to take them off!!!
 
Slept late. Breakfast was cold rice, two eggs and scallions
 
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