Floater's diary

Dinner: a carrot roll with ham, hummus and arugula, polenta with two fried eggs and a handful of mung bean sprouts, a small bowl of cherries & mango.
 
Yay for a fun workout and excellent food!
 
Bedtime snack: three beets, a handful of mung bean sprouts, a dollop of hummus, a handful of crackers, a chunk of Manchego cheese, and three chocolate pralines.

Put rice to soak and mixed the dry ingredients of tomorrow´s post workout porridge. I plan to have a big breakfast of soy mince and white bean stew and polenta with toppings, because I want to aqua jog for 90 mins at as high of an intensity as possible, and I need to be well fueled for that.
 
Annoying: I still feel hungry. If this won't pass in 20 mins, I'll eat something carbsy.

Reminder to self: steam or fry the broccoli in the fridge tomorrow!
 
I procrastinated way past 20 minutes and am now having dry crackers plain. Judging by how good they taste, I was really hungry
 
Breakfast: rye bread sandwich with hummus, ham & sprouts. Soy mince and white bean stew with truffle oil and sprouts. Maxed out on slow release ADHD meds: 54mg.

Now at the pool, aiming at 90 mins of aqua jogging. Didn't have room for polenta so we'll see where this breakfast takes me :D
 
90 mins of aqua jogging with high intensity done! Had my locker room porridge at the pool, did some grocery shopping on my way home.

Light lunch: polenta with a bit of leftover ham, mung bean sprouts, and scallions; a small bowl of mango. I´ll rest for a bit and have a cup of tea before deciding what´s for dinner :)
 
Cleaned Heikki´s cage, vacuumed, and washed the floors. Heikki was an asshole and ate another corner of my sketchbook as I was cleaning his cage. Dinner is soy mince and white bean stew with sprouts, again.

Feeling really stressed about trans clinic stuff. This Thursday I´m supposed to go through a very traumatic sexual assault I endured at 18. It´s making me angry that I have to relive it for a person who is not on my side per se; it´s like I have to put my pain and lifelong physical and mental scarring on display as an entrance fee to the next phase of my trans clinic evaluations. I have half a mind of telling the lady that as she´s by her profession an expert in all things perverted, she can just go rummage around the darkest corners of online porn, pleasure herself to it, and write whatever she wants in my evals. I won´t do that of course. But it makes me furious that just as she can be the size of a golf cart without a worry in the world of not being legally and medically recognized as her gender, whereas I have to fit an arbitrary BMI to be allowed the same human right, I owe the system my whole and complete trauma history just in order to proceed. It´s fucked up, and I have every right to be angry.

Probably feeling so emotional because I share the same postal code with the interviewer and I´m pretty sure I saw her in the pool.

Gggahhhhh.
 
Last edited:
Floater said:
I have half a mind of telling the lady that as she´s by her profession an expert in all things perverted, she can just go rummage around the darkest corners of online porn, pleasure herself to it, and write whatever she wants in my evals.
Click to expand...
Unless she's a monster, which doesn't seem to be the case based on your previous experience, she probably hates the digging through people's trauma part of her job.
 
Llama said:
Unless she's a monster, which doesn't seem to be the case based on your previous experience, she probably hates the digging through people's trauma part of her job.
Click to expand...
That´s a good point, thank you. :grouphug: Thinking about it this way helps take me out of the fight/flight mode.

I had some seaweed chips and an apple for a snack, and will pack tomorrow´s gym stuff and meditate for a bit next. Thankfully SMART group in 2 hours, that always seems to ground me to the present and quiet my trauma brain.
 
Really hungry so I'll have the last portion of polenta now with spinach & crumbled blue cheese. EDIT and a small bowl of cherries for dessert.
 
Last edited:
I would imagine her job is quite stressful. Digging through people's trauma as a part of your job would be hard to switch off from. I know I couldn't do it.
Floater said:
for a person who is not on my side per se
Click to expand...
Try to imagine she is on your side & has your best interests at heart.
Floater said:
I had some seaweed chips and an apple for a snack, and will pack tomorrow´s gym stuff and meditate for a bit next. Thankfully SMART group in 2 hours, that always seems to ground me to the present and quiet my trauma brain.
Click to expand...
Healthy food, gym & the SMART group are doing you lots of good. You're doing well :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
Try to imagine she is on your side & has your best interests at heart.
Click to expand...
This way of thinking is probably helpful in reducing my stress levels, but unfortunately she has stated herself that her job is not to help me forward in the trans process, only to evaluate, so I should look for support from my therapist instead. Not that I wanted support from her, she was just stating the purpose of her role in our interactions.
Cate said:
Healthy food, gym & the SMART group are doing you lots of good. You're doing well :grouphug:
Click to expand...
Thank you. I feel like crap emotionally and dysphoria is really kicking my ass, but here I am doing my best no matter the circumstances! :grouphug:
 
Bedtime snack: cold rice, avocado, arugula, sauerkraut & soy sauce. I need protein... I guess I´ll whip up a two-egg tamagoyaki, haven´t had any eggs today.

EDIT: made athree-egg tamagoyaki with the idea of saving half for later, but I´m so hungry I´ll just eat it all lol :D

EDIT2: and I also had a little piece of Stilton to protect my enamel before brushing my teeth. And obviously also because I wanted to end this day on a good note 😆
 
Last edited:
Breakfast: last portion of soy mince and white bean stew with truffle oil and sprouts.

I had terrible nightmares. And I´m so angry that I´m shaking. I have mostly been able to play it cool that I´m forced to go through mandatory sex therapy as part of my seeking a trans diagnosis/transitioning just because I´m autistic. But today I can´t stomach it. The unfairness of it makes me want to vomit. It´s literally unconstitutional and human right organizations have addressed this and many other injustices in the Finnish trans laws so many times, and even now as I´m writing this, the "middle" party Keskusta is doing all they can to upturn any changes to the trans laws.

However moderate/nice the sex therapist may be, they are still a part of a system keeping trans people as second grade citizens. A smiling jailer but still a jailer. It´s fucked up.
 
Sadly the only options you have (apart from moving to a different country, which probably wouldn't be practical) are to drop out (which is clearly what those politicians would prefer), find a advocate group looking for a good test trial candidate to make a case against the government on the intersection of trans and autism issues (which would be hugely stressful and probably terrible for your mental health but you're well-spoken and intelligent so you'd probably be a good pick from a public relations perspective), or you can keep your head down and try to just get through it while venting - here or otherwise - anonymously enough that they don't know about it. It's a cruel injustice that you have to concentrate on that crap while you could be focusing on your general health and happiness.
 
@Llama :grouphug:

Once I´m out of the water I will definitely do something to bring these injustices to the light. Even if it´s just a blog post that´s read by three people. Or an obscure comic about the topic, or a book even. But for now it´s enough to just... Survive.
 
Smoked ham and red lentil stew, a rye bread sandwich with hummus and arugula, a small bowl of pineapple & cherries.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top