Floater's diary

Cheese goes with everything but apple and cheese is great!
 
Breakfast: rice, falafels, and a marinated egg, a small bowl of cherries. Sorry about being so quiet on everybody else´s diaries and stuff, once I´m a bit further into my sobriety I´m sure I´ll be more sociable again <3
 
Went grocery shopping, it was a bit jarring as the autism assistance person who took me there said something really stupid about my sobriety the last time I saw him and I just couldn´t get over it and couldn´t really come up with anything to say to him. I know I´m probably a little bit thin-skinned right now, and the guy has never been a wordsmith, so I kinda feel bad that I´m mad at him, but I also think I should be allowed to feel my feelings.

I´m making a big batch of sausage, bean and veggie soup without a carb so I can eat it with different carbs on different days, and am eating a small portion of leftover tofu curry as lunch. As both my lunch and breakfast were small portions, I think I´ll have some of the soup with leftover rice as soon as it´s done. I tried to find reindeer meat for New Year´s, but was too annoyed and distracted to spend much time at the grocery store. Doesn´t matter, I have plenty of nice stuff, I only need a nice fresh baguette for New Year´s and I´ll be golden with all the assorted delicacies I have left over from Christmas.
 
That sucks about the assistence person but your food situation sounds wonderful and a bit of coziness is the best thing for this time of year.
 
Having a small bowl of soup, rye bread, and a marinated egg. I might have some cheese or chocolate later, anything to pick me up from this sad and exhausted feeling I´m having right now.
 
We have so many apples that I must remember to have some with cheese. Yum! I'm glad you have lots of delicacies still. We still have all the yummy cheeses since no one had room for them.
Does the assistance guy know why you're mad at him?
 
Cate said:
Does the assistance guy know why you're mad at him?
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He does but I'm not sure he gets it? I try not to worry. I have to feel my feelings 🤷🏼

Had strange dreams again. Went to an amusement park and got vomited on, and the only place I could ger clean clothes was at a weird sex club/salon where a middle-aged madam had men as pets. Wtf brain?! 😅
 
Lunch: a small bowl of green peas with butter & salt, pasta with fresh garlic and RAF tomatoes, and a small bowl of pineapple

EDIT: some interpersonal drama came up and led me to end a friendship, I´m shaking like a leaf and sweating like a hog, so triggered (PTSD) that I could put my fist through drywall... Eugh. Booked a SMART meeting to hopefully distract myself
 
Snack: a red apple sliced, two crackers with blue cheese, four pralines and a cup of black coffee. The SMART meeting went well and I feel more emotionally balanced now :)
 
Right now I´m battling so hard with the feeling that I´ll never be normal and I´ll never be OK that it feels like an elephant is sitting on me. I need to be mindful of this emotion because I often drank because of feeling like this: why should I care about a person so foul and wicked, what does it matter if I get sick or die, etc. But it´s not true of course. Thinking rationally, yes I have my flaws like everyone does. But if I heard someone suffer from what I suffer from, I wouldn´t wish them a one-way trip to Hell. Has my mental illness cost me friendships? Yes. But it´s also normal for friendships to end. I can´t use it as proof against me.

I have intense body sensations related to the emotion of not being good enough. I had these as a child when I was scolded about something, often something I could not have realistically handled any better due to being a literal child. That´s where my perfectionism comes from. Fear. I´m scared that I´ll be scolded, abandoned and thrown in the trash if I allow myself any margin of error. And this is why me letting go of a friend who has done nothing but trigger me for months feels like I´m doing something evil and unreasonable.

It´s neither evil nor unreasonable. I´m putting my oxygen mask on first, as one is supposed to do. I´m done being a victim and a whiny little asshole who never moves ahead in life out of the fear of stepping on some toes.
 
Llama said:
:grouphug: Take care, my friend. You ARE good enough and you DO matter.
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Thanks, friend! :grouphug:

I tried to join another online meeting but there were technical difficulties, so I decided to boil and marinate more eggs for later, and have salmon and rye bread sandwiches, and then have a shower and hit the hay. Perhaps it´s healthy to notice that I can in fact survive these shitty emotions with "only" one group per day (and I didn´t go to a group yesterday at all, so I can clearly do this just fine). Besides, I have probably eaten too little today, so the hunger/low blood sugar is making my anxiety worse than it has to be.
 
Floater said:
And this is why me letting go of a friend who has done nothing but trigger me for months feels like I´m doing something evil and unreasonable.

It´s neither evil nor unreasonable. I´m putting my oxygen mask on first, as one is supposed to do. I´m done being a victim and a whiny little asshole who never moves ahead in life out of the fear of stepping on some toes.
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This is you making better decisions about caring for yourself. You deserve to be treated well :grouphug:
 
Tired. Anxious. Sausage + veg + bean soup with potato for breakfast, and four pralines.
 
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