Floater's diary

I will probably decrease my activity here. I will periodically show up to tell @Cate , forum mom, that I'm OK as I still want to make you proud but perhaps all this support is just injuring me like a corset weakens core muscles.
 
Too anxious to not write my meals down. Lunch was a small bowl of pineapple. I have slept most of the day. Dinner is a marinated egg, rice, falafels, tomato, and half an avocado. I wonder if it would be safe to tell my psychiatrist I have suicidal ideation.
 
Wonderful. Called a helpline and they of course focused on why I´m not in the workforce and "isn´t it depressing to be told that you won´t recover", which had the exact effect you would think of. But hey, at least my toxicology post autopsy won´t be showing alcohol metabolites so if I croak I can do so with pride, unlike my asshole brother.

EDIT: pretty much right after writing that, a splitting headache started, psychosomatic most likely, I need to go lie down in the dark. No playtime for Heikki today. Maybe my head is doing it´s best to put me in so much pain I can´t do anything I would regret, like getting a taxi to the hospital and be sent home as a hysteric woman
 
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Three Karelian pies. Eating has never felt this pointless. It feels like my heart will explode and I can't even cry. Completely isolated from any resemblance of normalcy and humanity. Worthless.
 
OKOK Floater breathe. I managed to let Heikki out to run. Seeing him happy helped a bit. Paracetamol helped with the splitting headache. 25 mins until my next SMART meeting.

Anxiety, as often, is at it´s worst between 4PM-8PM. Childhood danger hour - the whole family gradually getting home. After 8PM I was left on my own and was safe again. Need to remember this pattern and that I only need to make it to 8PM, then things will mellow out. Night anxiety is less torturous because the feeling of expected to do things is gone.

I got this.

Cheese, crackers, chocolate. Gotta keep my blood sugar levels steady to not provoke anxiety
 
I don't read the forum usually in the afternoon & evening so I often am playing catchup the following day. I read your pm before the diaries this morning.
That sucks that you struck someone so insensitive on a helpline.
Please keep eating well & looking after yourself. I will keep telling you that you are well worth the effort as that is what I believe. I don't think our support would weaken you & you may end up seeing yourself as we do :grouphug: I do respect any decision you make about posting though.
 
Llama said:
Calm is good, and so is being able to feel your body's needs. Hope you fell asleep after the sandwiches :grouphug:
Click to expand...
I did!

Breakfast today was three Karelian pies with butter, and after that I went for a 4,5 km walk with a friend. She gifted me lovely wool socks, I think I´m going to paint her a painting as a counter gift. Her favorite colors are purple, green and blue jewel tones so I´ll build something around that. I already have a vision of a smalli-ish acrylic painting in a naivistic style, with whimsical fantasy creatures in a nighttime garden with flowers & trees in bloom.

Lunch: sausage soup, rye bread with ham, a marinated egg, and fresh tomatoes.

EDIT: I checked out my tummy stretch marks and was relieved to notice that they have faded into an almost skin color; only the "tails" of the stretch marks are purple, as they seem to heal from the middle towards the tips. Next Christmas they will probably have faded completely. They will always be visible in certain light/angles, but what of it. It´s not like anyone will see me naked ever again except in the swimming hall. I´m middle-aged, can´t exactly expect my skin to remain as it was at 16, and I was miserable at 16 anyway, so youthfulness doesn´t equal happiness.
 
I´m making a soy mince and black bean stew with nduja, lemon-filled olives, zucchini, tomato, red bell pepper, carrots, onions, garlic, and plenty of spices; threw in the butt of a parmesan chunk for extra flavor and ate what little actual cheese there was left as a snack. Made a rough sketch to study the composition of the painting and took a short effect ADHD med to get me over the slump of "oh my god, I can´t do this". It´s been years since I last painted anything so it makes sense that I´m a bit panicky! But I´m definitely going to buy oil pastels next. I was tempted, but figured out it´s best to start with one thing and then proceed as I build confidence. And this way I have something to look forward to instead of having several projects that just sit in place.
 
Having a portion of the stew with leftover rice and a marinated egg. Tastes incredible. Three portions are chilling on the countertop to be had later with different carbs - this system works quite well for me.
 
That does sound delicious. Having something healthy-but-easy-to-grab with something for variety makes sense when you live alone.
 
Started painting a small painting for a friend. Had tons of fun!! Snack: 200g of cottage cheese, one red apple, a bit of blue cheese. Having a SMART meeting soon.
 
Good meeting. Now making rice, planning to have it with some ham and scallions, and then I´ll head to shower & bed. Feeling super content with today and myself as well.
 
Breakfast: falafels, a boiled egg, rice, sauerkraut, and tomato :)

EDIT: also had an apple. Took 18mg of long effect ADHD med - a very small dose, but it´s been a while since I´ve taken the long effect ones and sometimes they make me a bit anxious so I was careful with the dosage. I´m glad I´m sober now and can use my meds (I never mixed them with alcohol as that´s insanely dangerous). If necessary, I can take a short effect med later but let´s wait and see how this works out.

Today´s plan: go to the grocery store with assistance person, continue painting, make mashed potatoes. NYE SMART meeting at 10PM Finnish time. :)
 
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I´m having yesterday´s stew with mashed potatoes, and have two portions of leftover mashed potatoes for later. Bought a baguette, parmesan, three packs of RAF tomatoes, a zucchini, mushrooms, and chocolate seashells as New Year´s treat.

Ran into a story about "Lemon Pigs" and feel tempted to make one. I just don´t have any coins around to put into its mouth, so perhaps I´ll save the lemon in my fridge for later :D

https://www.atlasobscura.com/articl...hTVTKiV5aetaGao2RFx7hnsCco-aSaBNHNTmeL9ME08E0
 
The lemon pig is adorable! I picked a lemon off our tiny tree earlier thinking I could start the new year with a hot toddy but a lucky pig is much more fun. And I can probably still drown it in scalding water tomorrow. Although that might invalidate the luck factor...
 
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