Floater's diary

I had a bowl of Borscht for breakfast, and am now making rice gruel - a Finnish Christmas delicacy. I´m not kidding. Rice used to be expensive here :rotflmao: I´m making my version out of Basmati rice and smoked salt, and will add in heavy cream once the consistency has turned silky.

I´´m in good spirits. Usually Christmases are jarring and anxiety-inducing, but I feel very peaceful. I´m still a bit congested and have a slight cough, so it feels good to just rest.

EDIT: while the gruel was cooking - it turned out great by the way - I timed my rent and bills because thet´s going to take so much pressure off later. After I´ve eaten, I think I´ll meditate for a bit and go for a leisurely stroll.
 
Merry Christmas from Heikki as well!

It looks that I won´t be getting him a friend, because it turns out that he´s quite aggressive/possessive of me and his turf. I have a tiger plushie that Heikki used to wrestle and hump so vigorously that he´d fall off the bed and look very angry as a result. It finally klicked when I asked about it from a chinchilla veteran that he wasn´t masturbating with the plushie but this was territorial aggression - and that´s probably why he kept peeing on my bed cover, to mark his turf and intimidate the much hated tiger plushie :D :D I moved the plushie to another room and there have been zero acts of piss terrorism ever since.

I just love how such a tiny animal still has so much soul and spunk and will to him; sure, I need to learn to "speak chinchilla" but I´haven´t been doing bad at all so far, and I keep learning as I go. The chinchilla veteran complimented Heikki´s coat and his weight gain, and Heikki´s behavior towards me speaks volumes that he´s happy and content and actually _likes_ me. He´s so adorable when he sits on my shoulder and grooms my nose and lips. That´s how he´d act in nature towards his pack mates. We are family. All I want for Christmas is for him to stay happy and healthy and for us to share a long life together.
 

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I watched Frozen 2, it was OK but not mind-blowing. Pacing issues and most of the songs weren´t very good.

Dinner: two small wraps with cream cheese, ham, RAF tomatoes, scallions and condiments, two fried eggs, and a small bowl of pineapple.

I´m starting to go a bit stir-crazy now that I´m fit enough to have energy but I´m not healthy enough to go to the gym. This energy needs to go somewhere! If I were a dog, I´d be chewing the couch right now.
 
I haven't watched the movie but I quite like "just take the next right step". Although they completely missed the opportunity to make it an empowering super earworm like "let it go".

Merry Christmas!
 
Llama said:
I haven't watched the movie but I quite like "just take the next right step". Although they completely missed the opportunity to make it an empowering super earworm like "let it go".
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Agree, and agree. Merry Christmas <3
 
Breakfast was rice gruel, I had a SMART meeting, now having a light lunch of Borscht while making a big batch of tofu curry :)
 
Early dinner: yellow tofu curry, rye bread with salmon & cream cheese, a small bowl of pineapple, and four pralines :) I went for a Christmas day walk with my ex - IDK if he´s quit weed already but we talked about me having quit it and him being willing to, as it made us both sluggish the next day and he drives a lot as part of his job so it´s really not safe to vape weed the day before. Things just seem to fall into place and I feel happy and hopeful.

My body decided to start menstruating today despite me having a hormonal IUD and it´s making me massively dysphoric, but let´s hope it will pass soon...
 
Went to the sauna and had proper dinner: mashed potatoes, peas, RAF tomatoes, feta, smoked salmon, and falafels. I also boiled eggs and put them in a marinade consisting of roasted sesame oil, soy sauce, hot sauce, white pepper, and smoked paprika. One egg fell apart during peeling so I had it plain as an appetizer. There´s one portion of mashed potatoes left over for later - I´ll probably have it with falafels and real butter tomorrow.

Feeling very happy about today. It was a good day and I think I´ll sleep like a log tonight!
 
I had the strangest dreams. I was in my childhood hometown with two other autistics and we were supposed to ride horses in the marketplace, but the owner of the horses was all over the place and we were just freezing our asses off and the horses were getting restless.

You guys know my parents weren't fit to parent, but the dream was such a perfect replica of the kind of frustration and anxiety that dealing with checked- out, neglectful parents feels like. At least violence/abuse meant my existence was recognized. Being treated as an afterthought like I didn't matter at all was a pain of it's own kind 🤔

I think sobriety will drag out lots of realizations like this. What a strange dream.
 
Breakfast was tofu curry and a small bowl of cherries & pineapple. Lunch is mashed potatoes, peas, falafels, and a pickled egg. I´ve meditated a lot today. I think I´ll try out a SMART Ireland meeting at 3pm Finnish time just to kill some time and to get to talk about this intense anger I´m feeling. Not having urges and not scared of relapsing but I´m having lots of intense emotions and I think talking them out might help.
 
Sounds like a sensible idea. Handling all these intense emotions without your liquid comfort blanket would be so hard at first.
 
Llama said:
Sounds like a sensible idea. Handling all these intense emotions without your liquid comfort blanket would be so hard at first.
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Yeah. It´s wild to look back and realize how I´ve minimized myself for years and whenever I had a healthy, natural reaction of getting angry about something, I´d just shove it down and be miserable. Doesn´t mean I drank any and every time I had intense emotions, but once the crap-o-meter was on red, it would be go time.

Then again, this is extremely common for survivors of child abuse and CSA. You literally learn to "conceal, don´t feel" (sorry about the constant Frozen references, but it helps my inner child to relate to fiction, and whatever helps my inner child is going to help me attain a balanced emotional landscape).

while Poe´s "Control"has gendered language, I still vibe with it something fierce.
 
Great, there´s technical difficulties so no meeting for me today, it seems. Doesn´t matter. I´m having coffee and chocolate.
EDIT the issues was fixed and I did make it to the meeting. :)
 
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More tofu curry. I didn't like SMART Ireland as much as the meeting was less structured and there wasn't as much use of the "Tools", so it resembled any old support group. But it was still useful to go, always food for thought. Went to the sauna and it helped me get in touch with my body now that I'm still not 100% healthy and don't want to risk going to the gym.
 
Still hungry so I made myself a platter of RAF tomatoes, saltines, marinated egg, Brazil nuts, and blue cheese.

EDIT: also a small bowl of mango.
 
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