Floater's diary

Llama said:
With pee, please...
Click to expand...
Out of context, this is a very German thing to say. Which reminds me of the "60 Kilo Hackfleisch" legend: https://www.20min.ch/story/ich-treibe-es-mit-60-kilo-hackfleisch-270308060032 OK well maybe it´s very German even in context :D

Now that we are in the realm of oddities, chinchillas actually DO fight each other and predators with piss. Due to their anatomy, female chinchillas are actually the sharp shooters and male chinchillas mostly just piss on their own legs. When a predator approaches, chinchillas stand on their hind legs and spray urine. Freaky little things. They also eat their own poop, so Berlin awaits
 

... but with cream please...
 
Llama said:

... but with cream please...
Click to expand...
Bummer, the video is region-restricted. I´ll imagine what fresh new horrors it contains as I bake away in my cozy sauna and breathe in steam and chinchilla piss. I just finished cleaning up and I feel so happy and hopeful about the future, even when I still sound like General Grievous :ROFLMAO:
 
It's Udo Jürgens' Aber bitte mit Sahne. A happy and then maybe not so happy song about a group of ladies who meet up at the bakery every week to eat cakes and pastries.
 
Und das Ende vom Lied hat wohl jeder geahnt, oh oh oh (oh yeah)
Der Tod hat reihum sie dort abgesahnt, oh oh oh (oh yeah)
Die Hinterbliebenen fanden vor Schmerz keine Worte
Mit Sacher- und Linzer- und Marzipantorte
Hielt als letzte Liliane getreu noch zur Fahne
Aber bitte mit Sahne (aber bitte mit Sahne)

And this was pretty much my initial motivation to quit drinking.

But fear as motivator isn´t very effective, as it causes anxiety, and anxiety can cause slip-ups. I want to do something with my life, even if I´m not sure what that´s going to be. I don´t want to piss it away in an amnesic stupor. While I was in the sauna I was contemplating my life moving forward and realized, fuck it, why would I mess up a well-started sobriety by vaping weed with my ex? We are not getting back together and I don´t even want to. I have no vape of my own and I don´t know any dealers. It´s actually MORE of a hassle to keep weed on the menu - I need to stress out about my ex´s time schedules, and I hate being indebted to him. Besides. If I make zero other changes to my lifestyle, having quit drinking is going to start shrinking my gut slowly over time, and I don´t want weed binges to mess with the good progress. If I close the door on weed right now, I don´t need to keep track of which substance I quit at which time. I like that. My mood has improved incredibly and this is only day 5.
 
I ordered a falafel pita and halloumi fries :3 I hope the delivery driver finds my house in the snow...

Edit: he did! I ate the fries and put the pita in the fridge for later :)
 
Last edited:
Sobriety is doing me good. Slept well - had strange dreams but no nightmares - and let Heikki out to play while I was drinking my morning coffee. A chinchilla veteran I know from a chin-related group complimented his coat and weight gain! Now having rye bread with cheese and a boiled egg, and I´ll have a bowl of mango and pineapple for breakfast. After that I´ll head out into the gross, grey weather to pick up a package of shampoo, and I think I´ll make weiner soup for lunch. Fridge is pretty empty but my ex promised to take me grocery shopping as a Christmas present on the 23rd. By the way: when I told him I´m done with weed, he said he won´t by himself any more either, and plans to get rid of his vape. o_O SMART seems to be contagious ;)

I had told my psychotherapist about my newfound sobriety vie text, and I just got a text back wishing me merry Christmas and a happy New Year. I wouldn´t change this feeling for anything, and I need to memorize these wins for rougher patches. They will come, and I need to be prepared!
 
Good sleep, a compliment about your chilla care, AND positive feedback from the ex when you may have been bracing for pushback? Awesome!
 
Llama said:
Good sleep, a compliment about your chilla care, AND positive feedback from the ex when you may have been bracing for pushback? Awesome!
Click to expand...
:grouphug:

After breakfast I feel so tired that I think I´ll take a nap instead of heading out. I can pick up the package tomorrow with the autism assistance person.

Funny enough, now that I´m sober I´m increasingly aware of how abnormal the sensation and skin texture really is in my palms. The fact they never sweat included, it´s fascinating in a morbid way how I could go three decades without really registering the fact that my palms burnt when I was a child. Being constantly gaslit by my parents didn´t help the situation, of course. I remember calling them this Midsummer and confronting them about it, to which my mom replied "well your brother had all kinds of itches and pains but they were all from the drink", to which I replied "well if this were alcohol-related pruritus it wouldn´t be limited to my palms and the insiden of my fingers, and it wouldn´t make me not able to sweat", to which mom yelled in frustration "well isn´t there any other explanation?!?!", to which I calmly stated "none that I could think of, and I´ve thought about this a lot". That afternoon my dad called me to announce he had bought me the portable AC unit, not a small investment might I add. They know, and they are guilty.

The downside to being sober and accepting my injury as a fact - and worse even, accepting the nefarious way my parents tried to brush it under the rug - is that I am now able to feel the discomfort and lament my lowered sensation in a body part that should be very sensitive. I tell myself that Triptyl is used for the treatment of chronic pain... It should help, right? But also: palm burns are a common burn injury in children, covering 2% of the total surface area of the skin, and should ALWAYS be treated in a hospital both because children are more fragile than adults and as such suspectible to dehydration and death, and because, well, hands are FUCKING IMPORTANT. The thought that my parents just went "oh well, let´s keep this hush hush she won´t remember anyway" is killing me.

Apparently I´m really hard to kill. :Angel_anim:
 
Thankfully you are! Also: burned palms have a huge risk of contracting, which can cause permanent disability. They should never be ignored, especially in kids.
 
Making a small batch of soup out of onion, carrot, tomato, two weiners, sauerkraut, potatoes, nduja and cajun spice. Smells pretty nice
 
As a general notion: coming to terms with my asexuality/greysexuality has been a big part of the underlying reasons why I was finally ready to leave booze behind for good. While I enjoy closeness, sex is kind of stressful and a bit nasty - not uncommon for aspies - and I used to use both alcohol and weed to get some distance to the act. It´s often said that sobriety brings unexpected changes to one´s life trajectory, and as I was cooking, I thought to myself that in many ways I´m insanely lucky.

My support needs are met; I´m outside the formal workforce and probably heading to permanent pension during this decade; I have friends both offline and online whose thoughts and ideas I find intellectually stimulating. What this means is that I don´t need to rely on my parents for support in practical things and my assistance folks help me navigate the bureacracy and medical stuff; I can focus on my personal projects and perhaps even train to become a SMART Facilitator once I have the required amount of unbroken sobriety under my belt; and even if I have no life partner, I´m far from being alone.

"Let it go" from Frozen is still stuck in my head and playing on a loop. I don´t mind; I like the song. I saw the movie when I had just started Uni and I often cried when I listened to it, it made me feel things I didn´t quite have words for. I was ashamed that a children´s movie was having such an impact on me and told myself it´s just because I´m sentimental when drunk. But maybe that emotional part of me was correct; the song is a melodramatic ballad about self-reliance and not budging to the expectations. Although Elsa returns back to humanity later in the movie and accepts her role in society, the isolation phase was necessary for her to accept her true self.

It´s going to be interesting to see how sobriety will effect my ideas about my gender. I´m certainly not a woman, but perhaps it doesn´t matter that much in the end in which kind of a meat sleeve I reside in. The trans clinic can still set me a diagnosis - which would greatly validate my gender identity - and if I want to pursue treatments later, that door would remain open too.

I´m excited.

 
Interesting. I find myself craving veggies, and I think I´ll make roasted cauliflower for dinner. Might be because I´ve been sedentary for so long because I´m sick, but my taste buds also seem to have become much more sensitive than they used to be. Might also be a psychological thing, in which case I need to be mindful about the restrictive mindset creeping back in. I need to remember that "sobriety" exists separately from such ideas as "cleanliness" or "perfection", it simply means that I have quit using alcohol. I wasn´t "dirty" or "evil" when I drank, my choice to go sober exists separately from such ideas. I still need to face with and handle all kinds of annoyances and situations, I will still have (much needed, justified) anger in me, and if I go too deep into the la la land of sobriety honeymoon I will actually risk my long term sobriety. Perfection means pressure, pressure means anxiety, anxiety leads to triggers, and triggers can lead to a lapse or even relapse unless I stay one step ahead of them. :unsure:
 
Snacking on rye bread with cream cheese, raisins, and Brazil nuts while waiting for the roasted veggies to be done
 
Prepping more food, soy mince and black bean chili this time. Heikki peed on my bed cover and is now sulking because I ordered him back into his cage. Should't have peed, then.
 
Three little chili con soya tacos, one big pear, two mint chocolates. I´ve meditated a lot today. Will need to eat something heavier/carbsy before bed.

Edit: also rye bread with marmite and nooch
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top