Floater's diary

Mashed potatoes. Took out the trash and was covered in sweat...
 
By the way: I just had a bit of a Heureka moment as I was eating more mashed potatoes and weiners - apparently my appetite is starting to improve a bit. I´ve often wondered why almost every time when I´ve called a crisis helpline and they ask me how much I drink, and I respond cheerfully "this is day xyz" (which in my autistic brain of course means days SOBER, not drinking), they go silent for a while and then tell me to go to inpatient detox and I´m left like :oops: "... But this is working really well for me?" And I get super confused and anxious and it almost feels like I´m being gaslit - when it´s just a fucking classic autistic-neurotypical communication gap.

Guys I NEED to stop calling helplines. It´s seriously doing me more harm than good, because at first I get confused and disheartened, then I forget all about it and move on, and then I eventually remember it a few days later, and I get agitated and want to fix it which I of course can not do and it doesn´t fucking matter anyway because those people don´t know me and I´m only hurting myself ruminating about it.
 
I don't really see misunderstandings during a phonecall with a stranger (possibly the most difficult form of communication) as a big problem but I do 100% understand ruminating about it afterwards and worrying they may have thought you were a huge weirdo and that worry weighing on you. Would writing the things you call about down help, either here or in a DM?
 
Thank you Llama, writing them down is a much better solution. Would also teach me to put distance between feeling and action.

By the way: my first SMART Recovery group is on Thursday and I just have a gut feeling that your boi is about to out-learn addictive behaviors sooner than later. I feel like Elsa from Frozen in the mountain scene. I can't share anything about the meeting itself of course but I feel this huge internal drive. I'm not doing this out of fear or external pressure, I'm doing this because I genuinely want to!
 
"At SMART Recovery, you are not an “alcoholic” or “addict”. You’re a human being dealing with a very human problem. A problem that you will now have the power to succesfully address and begin to solve the moment you begin to attend our free meetings and access these great resources…" https://www.smartrecovery.org/dive-deeper/

This needs to exist in Finland, seriously. It´s astonishing that it doesn´t. Sweden has it and so does Denmark, but as usual, Finns are ass backwards about anything to do with drug and alcohol policy.

By the way, my ex said he has some 420 available and I haven´t decided yet what to do about it because I was focused on alcohol abstinence when I was making my plans, but I have the whole day to contemplate whether I want to include the herb in my abstinence plans too. So as I´m having breakfast (microwave curry), I´ll go through some SMART exercises and decide based on those. The tools are fucking great, seriously. I´m staring with CBA, Cost Benefit Analysis.

EDIT: yeah I have a fucking upper respiratory infection, obviously I won´t vape today (even though it might be somewhat healthier than smoking). I guess in the future I´ll just roll with the punches and see what happens.
 
Last edited:
Nice, I ran out of salt so I´m having microwave fries with Marmite and nutritional yeast (surprisingly good). I also had two hard-boiled eggs, a cup of miso broth, and a cup of cherries. I´m super tired and can´t be bothered with a "proper" meal.
 
Sigh. I put the sauna on so I can get some of the phleghm out of my lungs and was reminded that my little piss ninja peed on the (cold) stones last summer. Smells... Interesting
 
Apparently chinchilla urine vapors aren´t too dangerous for humans, because I feel refreshed and relaxed. I should eat something, take my meds and try to nestle in whether I catch sleep soon or later.
 
I have only ever had one sauna & it was wonderful. I could do with one today as my chest is mucky. It's a doozy of a hay fever season here.
Heikki is such a character!
 
Llama said:
If 4 month old chinchilla pee, vaporized, was in any way dangerous both Russia and the US would have chinchilla armies :rotflmao:
Click to expand...
Now that I no longer piss (heh) away my creativity by shrimping on my computer with a beer in hand, perhaps I´ll find the inspiration to sketch a Russian chinchilla commando fighting a US suit-clad CIA chinchilla operator :rotflmao:

Cate said:
I have only ever had one sauna & it was wonderful. I could do with one today as my chest is mucky. It's a doozy of a hay fever season here.
Heikki is such a character!
Click to expand...
Sorry about the hay season and chest muck! Heikki is indeed a character. Couldn´t imagine my life without him :3

I had some intense trauma flashbacks last night but was able to surf the feelings and eventually fell asleep. I had nightmares but woke up refreshed. I had an online meeting with an autism assistance person and basically gave her a crash course to SMART and she was excited. She agreed that this program HAS to get started in Finland. For a country with a massive historical and ongoing alcohol crisis, it´s abhorrent that the only help available is 3-5-day long detox and then AA.

I´m not going to promise I´ll never drink again, because no one can see the future. What matters is that I can look forward and imagine myself doing all sorts of things from sitting and relaxing at home to going to restaurants to eating ice cream in the park, and not feeling a shred of FOMO about alcohol not being involved in any of those things. But I also no longer feel shame about the time I spent acquiring, drinking, and recovering from alcohol. It was the only escape I could imagine from the unbearable pain and shame I have been living with due to my trauma. But now my life is different, it´s safe, I´m safe. I no longer need that crutch. The me who would wander along the railroad tracks with a bottle of whiskey in hand and drowning my anxiety and desperation and the voices in my head just honestly didn´t know better and didn´t see a way out. Those times were needed so I could finally get things to click: I have always associated alcohol with misery, not pleasure. My ideas of misery and pleasure were just so messed up due to intense trauma that it took me a while to tell the blue wire from the red and choose which one to cut. I´m free now. I´m in the present, doing what needs to be done and feeling what needs to be felt in this moment.

Last night I spent a while giggling about the newest Rick & Morty season and the Hell Demons episode (parodying Hellraiser). The demons that love suffering are such an apt metaphor for trying to deal with trauma via addictive behaviors. Sadly there´s no pre-existing clip of the scene where Beth and Jerry dress up as "Dartboard face" and "Marlin Guts" and get into an argument with the doorman in Hell ("I suppose those are your names, but I find them nowhere on my list, which brings me pain, which brings me pleasure"), but you´ll get the point from this clip:

 
Floater said:
perhaps I´ll find the inspiration to sketch a Russian chinchilla commando fighting a US suit-clad CIA chinchilla operator :rotflmao:
Click to expand...
With pee, please...
Floater said:
I had some intense trauma flashbacks last night but was able to surf the feelings and eventually fell asleep. I had nightmares but woke up refreshed.
Click to expand...
That's huge! Great job.
Floater said:
Last night I spent a while giggling about the newest Rick & Morty season and the Hell Demons episode (parodying Hellraiser).
Click to expand...
Ah, so apparently the super weird movie running in the background of an equally weird Halloween party was Hellraiser? I've wondered about that on and of for over 2 decades :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top