Floater's diary

I just read your days posts & am impressed with your insights. (I often feel that I am trying to catch up as most are when I'm asleep).
Floater said:
and if I go too deep into the la la land of sobriety honeymoon I will actually risk my long term sobriety. Perfection means pressure, pressure means anxiety, anxiety leads to triggers, and triggers can lead to a lapse or even relapse unless I stay one step ahead of them. :unsure:
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I think this is a great attitude.
 
Lunch: a small bowl of mango, cherries and pomegranate seeds, and yesterday´s chili cin carne with pasta, spinach, corn, and feta :)
 
Snack: a small bowl of pineapple. I meditated and it made me sleepy, so I think I´ll have a cup of coffee and a fried egg on rye bread. I want to be alert and present for my first ever SMART meeting in 1,5 hrs!
 
Dinner: three small tacos with roasted cauliflower, falafels, and feta, and a small bowl of pineapple & cherries. I went to the sauna too, it really helps me relax. I told to my autism assistance person today that I´m actually having a luxurious start to my sobriety, not having to care for anyone else but myself & Heikki, no obligations like work, just me putting in the work.
 
I slept like a log and woke up so happy! I´m excited to go to a mixed meeting tomorrow and on New Year´s Eve, but the group I went to yesterday was certainly my jam. The ladies were nice and I felt right at home. After all: while I´m trans, my body looks feminine, so a women´s group makes sense, and the stigma and issues related to alcohol abuse are somewhat different between men and women - and so are the health consequences. Women and AFAB people also tend to be victims rather than offenders in alcohol-related violence, and women/AFAB people are often masters of sneakiness and can hide their use longer or mask it as "sophisticated" drinking. :unsure:

I mean, obviously my gender identity and PAST drinking habits intersect. I was just too scared to look into it. But no more! I´ve made the decision to stick to sobriety no matter how anxious, bored, or ashamed I get (my top three triggers I think), so my drinking days are in the past!

My sense of taste has improved to the point that even falafels now taste really salty to me. Of course my taste buds were affected, and I think there´s probably a psychological factor to this too, but I find myself craving veggies and plant-based stuff and fiber. I´ve read form somewhere that a plant-hevay diet rich in fiber helps the body clean out toxins the natural way (no woowoo detox but as in improving the function of liver, kidneys and the gut), don´t know if it´s true but at least this belief doesn´t harm me like my alcohol use and the delusions surrounding that did.

I can look at my past self with compassion though. Right now I´m still riding the "high on life" hype, and in a few weeks or months something stressful is going to happen and I might even get urges, but none of my problems were ever solved through drinking and the temporary relaxation cost me days of anhedonia and exhaustion. Vichy, tea and coffee for me please!
 
Lunch: cold roasted beets and carrots, baguette w cream cheese, falafels, spring onions, and egg. Dessert: a big bowl of frozen cherries. My ex was a darling and took me Christmas grocery shopping, and I now have food for days - and GOOD food at that! I´m going to have the best Christmas ever, in my own peace, sober, with Heikki by my side <3 I might walk to the corner grocery later this evening to get glasses cleanser and more falafels, but only if I really want to. Now I´m going to sit down for a bit (a full supermarket is always a sensory challenge for me - one more reason to have self-compassion about my past substance abuse) and then I´ll clean up Heikki´s cage and vacuum and wash the floors & bathroom so Christmas can come :)
 
I'm HUNGRY! I had a home spa session, Veet'd my legs and went to the sauna and put mysterious ointments on my mug and trimmed my nails. Now I think I'll make some Borscht with white beans, and while it's cooking I'll have a snack. The home is pristine, I only need to hang the laundry to dry now. I feel good.
 
Snack: baguette with cream cheese, smoked salt, and avocado. The Borscht smells heavenly and there´s a LOT of it lol, I think I´ll be eating it for four days, but I don´t mind :) It´s nice to have a veggie soup to balance out heavy Christmas stuff. The soup isn´t vegan though, I put in some butter and nduja, but it´s still a lot of veggies and it´s gonna do me good.
 
Llama said:
Don't fall into the food purity trap!
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Haha yeah getting sober is plenty enough on my plate (pun intended) even if it feels very easy now. (Which, actually, is something to be really proud about because it says something about the severity/degree of my addiction issues. IDK if this makes sense but it does to me.)

Eating is super slow again. I´ve noticed that this is something that hasn´t changed. I´ve been grazing at my bowl of borscht for 45 mins now. But it´s probably a feature, not a bug; eating just is a bit tedious. It´s one of the reasons I would often opt out of it for a drink, which is stupid but who´s perfect :rolleyes::Angel_anim:

I´m reeeally tired. I think that once I´ve eaten, I´ll meditate for 10 mins, brush my teeth, and pass out.
 
A bowl of food rarely takes me less than 20 minutes, often 30, and if I try to rush my stomach complains. It's one of the reasons I bring wraps to work: I can eat them reasonably quickly.
 
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