Floater's diary

Walked to the gas station/ burger joint to have four nuggets and a cheeseburger in Nera's memory. We would always share those.

I feel emotional and raw but not in a bad way. I can be sad about my misfortunes while also admiring this beautiful evening with swallows in the sky and other people being busy with their own lives and stuff.
 
Slept late, having breakfast and my meds now (overnight oats with banana and mango). I'll hit the gym when I have eaten!
 
Llama said:
Sleep, food, and exercise? Sounds like an excellent Sunday.
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It's been great. Bought frozen tuna steaks and a beer on my way home, I'll go drink the beer in a park and the tuna will be lunch for tomorrow. I can't even begin to express how much gender euphoria it gives me to wear short shorts and a sleeveless top outside and notice that cis guys don't look at my body with lust, but with some kind of confusion instead 😂 Like "what is that?". I much prefer this to being perceived as desirable.
 
Beer killed my appetite but I'm doing my best to get some nourishment in: rye bread with ham, and lentil stew with pollock.
 
I'm in a very peculiar mood. Deep in thought. Decided to take a walk. Disability decision came in and it will continue, although for some reason only until May 2023, but it's fine.

I miss Nera so badly. Maybe the beers I had yesterday are playing with my brain chemistry, but losing her was traumatic and I feel the loss as pain in my body. However, not all trauma is equal. This was a natural, understandable loss, so healing and moving on is also natural. And it doesn't mean I need to ever move on from Nera. She was and is very special and dear to me.
 
Breakfast was two Babybels and a handful of pumpkin seeds, lunch was tuna steak with rice, lime, and scallions. Yum!
 
Guys I messed up my sobriety goals for tonight but I'm in my local bar and no one ogles me because I look too intimidating. 😂 I love this.
 
Floater said:
Guys I messed up my sobriety goals for tonight but I'm in my local bar and no one ogles me because I look too intimidating. 😂 I love this.
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Not being ogled is definitely a good thing. I'm with you in spirit (pun intended) & we're having a good chat about Nera. I'll have a Scotch whisky, thanks. We had better have something to eat though!
 
Blergh. I have voices in my head and although I know they are in my head, it's still very distressing. Haven't eaten today yet. BUT by the way I'm writing these thoughts down I know I'm on my way out from that internal disarray. I bet I'll hit the gym on weekend.
 
Keep on writing your way out of the fog. Eating is good, Floater. Eating is good. I love Spanikopita. I haven't had it for aaages.
 
Cate said:
Keep on writing your way out of the fog. Eating is good, Floater. Eating is good. I love Spanikopita. I haven't had it for aaages.
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Thank you Cate. Therapy in 30 mins, I'll buy a smoothie.
 
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