Floater's diary

Llama said:
The simple fact that you want to eat things again is great. Who cares what's normal?
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Thank you Llama.

It occurred to me that I should found a "stash box" of stuff that keeps well and is somewhat tolerable in times of distress. Of course it's almost impossible to predict what I feel like eating when the next bad spot hits, but I'm thinking about something like juice boxes and mini bags of wine gums and mini raisin boxes. Maybe the box itself is more important than what's inside. It's hard to explain right now, but I'll work on the idea. A safety stash, something away from where the "adult/proper food" is stored.

I made polenta and it felt nice to cook. I put Marmite in there too lol, as well as corn, my last wilted asparaguses, some heavy cream and parmesan. Pineapple was still a bit too hard to eat, so I'll let it thaw some more.
 
A stash might be a good idea. Putting what you think of as an ok treat/stress relief amount into a zip-lock bag may not be a bad idea. It could be a couple of pieces of dark chocolate, some raisins, some wine gums, and some other dried fruit. Maybe you could also bag up some nuts to have with it. I would have to mark on the box- 2 max (in an emergency.)
Good to see that you're cooking xo
 
Cate said:
A stash might be a good idea. Putting what you think of as an ok treat/stress relief amount into a zip-lock bag may not be a bad idea. It could be a couple of pieces of dark chocolate, some raisins, some wine gums, and some other dried fruit. Maybe you could also bag up some nuts to have with it. I would have to mark on the box- 2 max (in an emergency.)
Good to see that you're cooking xo
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Thanks Cate! *hug*

It helped a bit back then when you said eating is good.

TW discussing flashbacks

I'm thinking something specifically not kcal limited (part of what kept me from eating was memories of mom yelling I'm too fat to eat) and something I may have found in the cupboards that no one wanted, like dried rye bread, or been able to buy with change as a child from the kiosk like gummies or a Mars bar). During the past days I couldn't find myself feeling safe enough to eat at home, I had to go out and eat outside. Was too deep in flashbacks to "steal" my own cheese from the fridge even though cheese is usually a very desired food. 😅 (Had a few slices just now before posting this reply because fuck my incubator!)
 
That makes sense. I hate that it's true for you but it does make sense. And turning it into a proper stash/treasure chest would make it extra comforting for me.
 
Oof I had nightmares of getting Heikki and that he was on death's door and looked like nothing that had been advertised and I was so sorry for him 😖
 
Floater said:
Oof I had nightmares of getting Heikki and that he was on death's door and looked like nothing that had been advertised and I was so sorry for him 😖
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I'll write down the whole dream at some point but I realized it was a positive one at it's core

Breakfast: two egg, cheese and scallion burritos.

Lunch: haven't had it yet but it will be spaghetti with Marmite and scallions and parmesan, and a small bowl of fruit.
 
Cate said:
How long before you get Heikki?
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Me and my ex will go on a roadtrip to get him between 8. and 9. of July! Oh and I'm thinking of renaming him after Hegel, as in the philosopher. He deserves better than my dad's name 😂

The complete dream goes like this: me and my ex drove to the town Heikki/Hegel was to be, and we met with the seller at a parking lot. (Obvs I would never do this but dream logic.) She seemed like a junkie and let Heikki out in the scorching heat and he was clearly unwell, looking more like a rabid puppy or rat than a chinchilla, leaving a trail of diarrhea everywhere. I was terrified but also didn't want to abandon the poor creature there!

Then a woman with a hurt arm in a sling came to the parking lot and she had a goegeous white German Shepherd with her. She asked if I would want to buy it from her as she was no longer able to care for it. The dog gave me Nera eyes and that lovely little stretch she used to do with her neck - a zoom of sorts - when she was examining something new.

The dream went on with other stuff but when I woke up I had this feeling that Heikki/Hegel contains both the possibility of bringing helplessness and heartbreak but also the possibility to experience that magical trust and bond I had with Nera. And I think renaming him Hegel is not only funny but also a reclaiming of destiny sort of thing. Sure, he may get sick and die, so may I. But as Hegel the philosopher thought, things that are don't only exist in their current state but also as what was and what will be (f.e. a table used to be a tree and will become ashes). My bond with Hegel the chinchilla is still just talk but will be reality and one day will be over due to one of us passing, but... What does a tree know about being a table or ashes?

Also Hegel's "slave-master-dialectic" is interesting but it's 2am and I should brush my teeth and hit the hay. 😂

I had a remembrance walk for Nera around midnight. Happy Summer Solstice to you all. Or Winter Solstice to my upside down friends. The veil is at it's thinnest!
 
Happy winter solstice from under/down under, ie Tasmania 🙃
& wow. You just sent me down a massive rabbit hole(chinchilla hole?) that is Hegel. I love philosophy!
 
Cate said:
You just sent me down a massive rabbit hole(chinchilla hole?) that is Hegel. I love philosophy!
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Chinchillas don't burrow, they jump from rock to rock, always higher! But by the down under rule, let chillas burrow into all things philosophical. I love philosophy too. Perhaps I can tame Hegel the chilla by reading Hegel the human to him. No joke: reading out loud, softly, sitting by a chilla's cage is considered a good way of gaining their trust 😂🥰😂🥰
 
Llama said:
Well... I just love all of the above. Hope you're sleeping soundly.
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It's adorable isn't it?

Something weird happened.

TW:

I have old, old burn scars on my palms and sometimes they itch, especially when my skin dries out or gets too much sun exposure. It was making me anxious so I sent a text to my dad last night asking about them and woke up to a text by him that he ordered me and Hegel a portable AC unit. I'm thankful for the peace of mind about keeping Hegel comfy even in the summer, but apparently the hands are one of the Topics This "Family" Doesn't Talk About.

I know I SHOULD probably be crying and throwing stuff because there's an existential horror linked to knowing I'll never know for sure because my parents will take the details to their graves. But I went through all that when I was younger and mostly don't think about it. However, I can see the weird texture, although faint, and feel the outlines of where "normal" skin starts, and also the backs of my hands and my wrists have a much more acute sensation than my palms and my fingertips - which shouldn't really be the case I think. A dermatologist could probably confirm it for me, but I have a vague memory of catching my fall/stumble with my palms to not go face first into either the sauna heating thing or the hot water container, and those flashes come back hardest in the summer. Like my therapist said: while memories are not exact recreations of what happened, if something comes back again and again with physical proof related to it, it's probably not unfounded. What matters is to find peace to live with it.

I think I have that peace. And it's very telling that instead of answers, my parents would rather drop 300€ on a portable AC to kinda... Bribe me into silence? Kids get into freak accidents, the most loving parents can look away once and find their child injured. The silence about it is odd as hell though and freaks me much more than an old injury that doesn't affect my daily life much. (Or does but in the psychological sense more than tactile or motor sense.) I remember when I started playing the violin and would have to take breaks to vigorously rub my palms against my thighs - I have a hunch that playing was supposed to be some form of physiotherapy to improve motor function, the fact that I turned out to be talented was just a side product. But the original injury must have been extensive to still be visible three decades later and that would impact a child's mental development for sure.

I have a freaky pain tolerance when it comes to injury (not so much for proprioceptic pain/discomfort). When I was in nursing school in my twenties, I once made myself a foot bath and as it got cold, decided to add some boiling water in the vat and of course poured it straight on my foot by accident. I was more annoyed at my own stupidity than worried - I just limped to the bathroom and ran cold water on it for 15 mins. The skin blistered pretty badly, and my teacher wad horrified when she saw it the next day, but I went on with my life as usual 😅

Another wonderful chapter of Floater's Freakshow, sorry about that. But writing that down helped me calm down the itch a bit. And soon I will have something soft to touch, so let's be glad that I have the ability to.

Coffee, and then I'll get my rice and eggs going!
 
Rice and eggs was good. Did some cleaning up.

One more note: my palms don't really sweat, although I'm otherwise sweaty as a pig. They may get a tiny bit moist if I'm super hot but that's it - which once again is in line with burns.
 
Floater said:
Kids get into freak accidents, the most loving parents can look away once and find their child injured. The silence about it is odd as hell though and freaks me much more than an old injury that doesn't affect my daily life much.
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Yeah... that's weird. But if you're going to have the scars regardless I'm glad theyat least earned you free A/C.
For most scars it doesn't really matter whether they're 5 years old or 30, by the way. They usually don't change much after the first two years or so. Except in kids, where big scars tend to grow larger as the kid grows. One of my cousins had surgery on their leg at 11 months old. The fresh wound was 15 cm long at most and maybe half a cm wide. Fast forward 35 years and it's closer to 30 cm long and 4-5cm wide. Bodies are weird.
 
Llama said:
For most scars it doesn't really matter whether they're 5 years old or 30, by the way. They usually don't change much after the first two years or so. Except in kids, where big scars tend to grow larger as the kid grows.
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Yeah, I was referring more to the psychological impact than the healing process of scar tissue. I sadly have quite a lot experience around that. I have a round one on my shoulder blade that mom claims is from "a vaccine" (which don't get injected on the bone lol), I suspect it's a cigarette burn, but it's grown to the size of a small coin.

And of course I have quite the collection of self harm scars. As sad as it is, self-inflicted pain can drown out pain that can't be helped, whether physical or mental. Luckily, it's been 15 years since I last did that. Mostly it was to survive my home situation.
Llama said:
Yeah... that's weird. But if you're going to have the scars regardless I'm glad theyat least earned you free A/C.
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The darkest, most millenial joke sprung to my mind, but I won't even say it out loud. How nice of dear old papa to keep his offspring nice and cool... For a change. :chillpill: LOL

Maybe some day I'll try to sleuth out the times and hospitals I may have received treatment in, but on the other hand (heh) it doesn't really get any more concrete of an evidence than these mitts I carry around with me wherever I go.

Hmm, I really need to do something special for the Solstice. A nightly walk in any case.
 
Grocery shopping done - bought "kid friendly" foods in case I fall into another PTSD spell - but despite sweating like a hog I feel pretty good. It's a magical day after all.
 
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