Floater's diary

Interesting.

I feel a deep calm and acceptance. For years now, ever since I started to talk about my hands in therapy, I have felt this nauseating "it can't be right, why would my parents not discuss it?" feeling, and at times I've even told myself that my hands are normal (despite the lack of sweating, sensory issues and itching having always been there, for as long as I can remember!). But, it's a different thing to say it out loud and accept that yes, this happened, yes, my family is fucked and yes, I will never know the reason for why they never talked about it.

I had an assistance person visit me today and I told him the general gist of things and showed him my palms and asked if they look normal to him. He said they look purplish to him. So it's not in my head only. Of course the color changes a bit depending on if I'm hot, cold, and if my hands are relaxed or open, but... They are visibly different.

Once I had a laceration in my left hand between my thumb and index finger - that's another story altogether - and the doctor asked me if I have a burn scar. I couldn't answer, I just put the question away for years but it did shake me up. It's a nice thought I can finally stop wondering about it, even if it means that I'll become more mindful/cognizant of the constant low-level discomfort the itchy, tight skin is giving me. Healing is a strange an wonderful thing and humans are very strong.
 
Floater said:
Grocery shopping done - bought "kid friendly" foods in case I fall into another PTSD spell - but despite sweating like a hog I feel pretty good. It's a magical day after all.
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There was a book I loved as a child about a girl who got a St. John's wort flower (leaf?) in her shoe on Midsummer and it shrunk her. So she ran away and she lived among animals and magical folk. I think she turned back to normal after a year, but I'm not sure.
 
Llama said:
There was a book I loved as a child about a girl who got a St. John's wort flower (leaf?) in her shoe on Midsummer and it shrunk her. So she ran away and she lived among animals and magical folk. I think she turned back to normal after a year, but I'm not sure.
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Sounds like the perfect existence lol
 
Floater said:
I feel a deep calm and acceptance. For years now, ever since I started to talk about my hands in therapy, I have felt this nauseating "it can't be right, why would my parents not discuss it?" feeling, and at times I've even told myself that my hands are normal (despite the lack of sweating, sensory issues and itching having always been there, for as long as I can remember!). But, it's a different thing to say it out loud and accept that yes, this happened, yes, my family is fucked and yes, I will never know the reason for why they never talked about it.
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I really admire your resilience, Floater. You have risen above all this shit. You are not your family. You are the grasshopper mouse!
 
Cate said:
I really admire your resilience, Floater. You have risen above all this shit. You are not your family. You are the grasshopper mouse!
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Thank you, forum mom. 🙏

*Howls in mouse*

Also, I ate semi decent meals today. Chilla steps ;)
 
I'm doing ok considering, but haven't eaten yet. I'm getting hungry though which is good. I'm outside right now and the weather is mild and soothes me.
 
I'm a fucking hero for sorting out my taxes despite being stuck in a bad flashback. Called a helpline earlier and was shaking so hard I was cramping.

It's interesting to notice how similar my thoughts are to those I had in 2020 when I was hospitalized. I tried to talk about my hands but the nurses told me I should focus on getting better. But there's no getting better without getting proper trauma treatment. So I'll try to get a doctor's appointment so I can be referred to a mental health clinic so I can be re-evaled and hopefully get funding to go to therapy weekly instead of monthly.
 
Fuck this, tried to renew my sedative prescription but the doctor REMOVED THEM FROM MY LIST BECAUSE I SO RARELY USE THEM. I mean wth, I've been using them exactly as intended: in cases of extreme anxiety and flashbacks, as in what I'm experiencing now.
 
Floater said:
So I'll try to get a doctor's appointment so I can be referred to a mental health clinic so I can be re-evaled and hopefully get funding to go to therapy weekly instead of monthly.
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Sooner, rather than later by the sound of it :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
Sooner, rather than later by the sound of it :grouphug:
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The appointment is on 4.8., I'll probably get to the mental health clinic next spring and then the funding is going to take some serious bureaucracy-fu. But chilla steps.

I did laundry and showered and brushed out the PTSD knots in my hair and took out fruit to thaw, and will make myself polenta after I've come back from a walk.
 
Went to the ER again, soaking wet from sweat and hands bone dry. Hospital is full... Was told to grin and bear it until Monday.
 
I don't know enough about the system to say if it makes sense but it sounds like a dangerous option. Not because the body couldn't do without food for a couple of days but because eating regularly seems to play a big role in your staying safe. Please be careful, my friend.
 
Llama said:
I don't know enough about the system to say if it makes sense but it sounds like a dangerous option. Not because the body couldn't do without food for a couple of days but because eating regularly seems to play a big role in your staying safe. Please be careful, my friend.
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I understand. But the last time I was hospitalized I had to fast for weeks. I did cave in and eat some bits and bops a few times but sadly in Finland it's almost impossible to go inpatient without being psychotic or bipolar, and I suffer from neither, so it's kinda... Suffer now to survive long term kinda deal.

And yes it's so so rough for both the body and the mind. But I start to feel pretty cornered.
 
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