Floater's diary

Great, just caught the news. There has been a hate-motivated gay bar shooting at Oslo, with people dead, and it's so close to Finland too with similar strict gun laws. Someone truly wanted to kill LGBTQ+ folks.
 
They canceled the parade, too, for safety reasons. Some days it feels like the hate is closing in. But it HAS to get better again.

Also: what kind of candles did your family use on cakes? Ours would burn down within 2 minutes so you had to light them, carry the cake, and blow them out immediately. Also also: I don't think injuries as extensive as that could be caused by grabbing at burning straw, unless they weren't attended to afterwards. Super fishy story even if they'd never changed a word about it.
 
Llama said:
Also: what kind of candles did your family use on cakes? Ours would burn down within 2 minutes so you had to light them, carry the cake, and blow them out immediately. Also also: I don't think injuries as extensive as that could be caused by grabbing at burning straw, unless they weren't attended to afterwards. Super fishy story even if they'd never changed a word about it.
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Indeed. The candle and cake story makes zero sense. People can literally stomp or spank out flames without extensive injuries if they receive timely first aid. I do remember the brand and look of cake candles back then, super thin flimsy things, the flame was tiny; they were never supposed to be left unattended but even so they should never have caused big flames. Also: fire can flare up but my injuries are very symmetrical. And even if we suspend disbelief and agree that for some reason I wore a straw hat in December, we literally never left Christmas candles unattended and once again the story doesn't match the injuries. I think they made that shit up during holidays and birthday parties, when I would see open flames and freak out.
 
Floater said:
Indeed. The candle and cake story makes zero sense. People can literally stomp or spank out flames without extensive injuries if they receive timely first aid. I do remember the brand and look of cake candles back then, super thin flimsy things, the flame was tiny; they were never supposed to be left unattended but even so they should never have caused big flames. Also: fire can flare up but my injuries are very symmetrical. And even if we suspend disbelief and agree that for some reason I wore a straw hat in December, we literally never left Christmas candles unattended and once again the story doesn't match the injuries. I think they made that shit up during holidays and birthday parties, when I would see open flames and freak out.
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I just realized how tone deaf I sounded. My condolences to Osloans.
 
I have trouble getting my head around your parents & your childhood & often just can't think what to say. If you can come through that & be who I think you are you must be very resilient indeed.
What I can do is send you lots of love :grouphug:
 
Thank you Cate. It's 4am here and I'm not doing too well, woke up to a doomy gloomy feeling, and second guessing myself about everything. But I try to remind myself that even if everything I remember would somehow be false, it would still mean that I'd be very sick and in need of help and that's what I need to get myself: help. I don't think it's all imagined, the memories make too much sense, but that question is secondary to my dire need of help. Luckily the doctors will open tomorrow.
 
Health centers will reopen today in 30 mins but IDK if it's worth it to call. They most likely won't have times available and even if they do, they are probably cancellations and I won't be able to get anyone to go with me.
 
Llama said:
Calling, and reinforcing that paper trail, can't be a bad thing.
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Indeed. I couldn't make it to the only appointment available but at least there's one more proof of me being unwell.

Had a slice of dry bread and my ADHD med because today's goal is to wash the floors no matter what.
 
I took a nap earlier. Just showered. Should probably eat something. Maybe coffee first. It's a horrid feeling fearing to do things that help me feel a tiny bit better because what if they are considered proof of not needing any help?
 
I had two fried eggs. Took out some peas and mango to thaw. Going to have a cup of coffee now and then clean the kitchen and wash the floors. It usually helps me feel a bit better to have a clean environment.
 
Floater said:
It's a horrid feeling fearing to do things that help me feel a tiny bit better because what if they are considered proof of not needing any help?
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Any reasonable medical professional will see it as proof that you're doing everything you can so you're well worth pouring resources into.

Edit: I fully understand the fear though.
 
Llama said:
Any reasonable medical professional will see it as proof that you're doing everything you can so you're well worth pouring resources into.

Edit: I fully understand the fear though.
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Yeah this year has had a very strong "let's punish this weirdo for being able to eat, sleep and exercise" energy.

I guess that in a way I could try to see having to wait until August in a positive light: I will have time to make sure that if they want to take labs, everything is squeaky clean, so for as long as I can safely stay at home and take things one day at a time, it's probably better than pushing my luck and having to go to some random doctor without anyone there to help me and no planning. I'll just keep all expectations low, now it's enough to eat something every day and go on walks, gym and super healthy meals can wait until the weather gets cooler and my psyche returns to me from the trauma maelstrom it's stuck in currently.

I cried about Nera. Feels so bad how I couldn't save her any more than I could save myself as a child.
 
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