Floater's diary

Instead of rice, egg, and tuna I decided to make rice and a two-egg omelette with scallions and raw green asparagus. I LOVE green asparagus, it's my favorite vegetable ever, and I like it raw as much as prepared. I need to buy more now that it's still available... In May it's expensive AF and now it's tolerably priced, but after Midsummer it's going to get hard to find. By the end of July it won't be available at all.

I'm deep in thought about, well, a lot of stuff. I hate how much I hate my image in the mirror, but I also hate that I probably blew my chance to transition when I attracted Sex Nurse's ire. So ironic. I'm glad I have built so much muscle and so on, but the main issue still prevails. My body got given the wrong building instructions and it's hard to live in it due to that. I just saw an article about a trans guy boxer and it felt... I loved boxing as a teenager. I never competed, I was a violinist and I was supposed to become a pro, so that was off the table. But I loved the cellar where we trained and I also hated the mirrors there. I once burst into tears in there. I had just done something and gotten good feedback and then I turned and there was the mirror and I in it, unrecognizable and completely different from the mental image I had of myself when I was boxing. Yeah. I'm trans all right, no doubts about that, and the goalposts just got moved a lot due to the fiasco that took place this spring.

Sorry about Floater's Pity Party. I haven't even cracked that beer open yet. Maybe I won't. I had a little cry while I was hanging the laundry. I said out loud that I love Nera as though I were talking to her. I was. She's just not here in a form that could respond. Last time in therapy I told my therapist I better get back into Buddhism and internalize that the more I desire transitioning the more I must suffer. Sigh

EDIT: food's good though lol
 
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Woke up, it's 3 PM. Didn't drink those beers last night so if I can't fall asleep again, I can try having one. But this is further proof that my CNS is out of whack 😅
 
I hope you fell asleep again. I think it's normal for grief to come bursting out intermittently, be it grief about Nera or about not being able to transition yet.
 
I did manage to fall asleep again, beers untouched. I have a gorgeous pothos hanging from my bedframe that I took cuttings from yesterday, and I felt sorry that two of his "tentacles" are now smaller than they used to be. But I always feel bad after taking cuttings, and from the plants' perspective it's a positive thing.

I have zero motivation for anything. Gym day today and I need to pick up a prescription and some skin cream on my way back.
 
Llama said:
I'm sure your pothos will soon be even lovelier. Good luck either finding motivation or resting up.
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Fingers crossed for both!

Took my meds, having breakfast, already prepped my next batch of lentil stew. This time it's green lentils with PB, chili sauce and lime juice, smells wonderful. I also razed my underwear drawer and threw out all frilly lace things from way back when I tried to LARP a cis girl. I can't bring myself to wear boxers because my thighs don't agree with them, but H&M has high-waist Brazilian briefs made out of a sturdy ribbed fabric that both fit well and don't trigger dysphoria, and I've been buying a 2-pack each month for the last past months, so I don't need to keep the frilly torture devices around for cases of "I have no more clean laundry".
 
I washed the window in my side room; It's always such a project to gather the courage to wash windows, but once I start, it's pretty nice actually. Except washing the outermost window pane as I live on the 7th floor and have a mild fear of heights. I also hung my purple Wandering Jew (is that name racist? Does the plant have some other name?) from that window, as it goes nicely with my tiger curtains and the light conditions should be more suitable for it there. It's a weird plant, needs a lot of light but direct sunlight can make the leaves go brown in a few hours.

To be completely honest, I feel way more motivated to keep washing the windows than hitting the gym, but if I don't leave soon, I'll be at the gym during rush hours and I have no patience for that today. Also, it's not like my windows are going to run away, and especially with the pools closing soon for the summer (yep, you read that right) I'll have plenty of days being stuck at home as a house mouse. I also need to pick up that prescription and drop off a sports bra my boys didn't fit in, so I'll just go before I start second-guessing myself too much.

Meal #2: overnight oats, dates, and chocolate.
 
Most pools here close for at least a couple of weeks during summer as well, for cleaning and maintenance. Iirc "the wandering Jew" is an old trope once used to explain Jesus saying some of his audience would not die before his return. Don't know enough about it to say if it has antisemitic connotations but given Christianity's historical treatment of Jewish people I'd be very surprised if none had snuck in. Some call the plant "the wandering dude" now, which I like, but "silver inchplant" is probably more official.
 
Llama said:
Some call the plant "the wandering dude" now, which I like, but "silver inchplant" is probably more official.
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THE WANDERING DUDE?! The dude approves :D :D And yes, inchplant/inching plant is what I've heard it be called but I had forgotten!

OK I had my coffee, the gym is gonna be packed, but can't get discouraged now, I'll just go pop in a play around for a bit and come back home. Easy peasy. First the sunscreen though.
 
Gym WAS packed and with very annoying people, too. But SOMEHOW I had probably the best workout of this summer so far. Maybe it was because I'm wearing very short shorts and I never even realized how defined my legs are getting 🤷🤓 Maybe you guys have already noticed but I always think of myself as lazy and not doing anything, but even through dysphoria, the mirror disagrees 😂

Having post workout chia slime and a short effect ADHD med. UV levels should be safe enough to not reapply sunscreen but I'll check to be sure!
 
Just got home, got my meds and that good pharmacy skin cream on my way back (always a bit anxiety inducing as the meds are not cheap, but I'm glad it's taken care of now), and am making meal #4: green lentil stew with pollock fillet, 100g of cottage cheese, and rye bread with cheese.

After I've eaten I'll do some meal prepping and pack my swimming gear, and then I'll take a shower and try to take a leisurely walk, as the evening is beautiful, and I want to go out and think about Nera for a bit.
 
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Hahaha while my stew was cooling down a bit, I cut off the sleeves of an old denim shirt so I have something to cover my upper back from the sun (sunscreen is hard to apply there alone) and the aesthetic is very much "sound the alarm, the stone butch has escaped" lol. I'm not saying I hate it, there's just this weird in-between area where menswear can almost take a 180 and end up looking distinctly lesbian instead of masculine/gender neutral. But it's not like I'm going to attend a fashion show anytime soon anyway, this will keep my upper back from burning and I'm fine with that lol.
 
Llama said:
100% sounds like my look in the 1990s :rotflmao:
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Did you have a mullet? I've never had one, and now I'm too scared to try it even though it's in fashion.

I didn't enjoy meal #4 too much, which was understandable as I had taken a short effect ADHD med around 5PM and it was still suppressing my appetite. I still ate it and then prepped tomorrow's meals #1 and #2. #1 is bento breakfast with banana and pineapple fruit salad, rye bread with cheese, 6 dates and a peanut mochi, sweet peas, Brazil nuts, pumpkin seeds and cashews, and a layered yogurt thing with chia seeds in apple sauce in the bottom tier and quark-yogurt on top. #2 is a monstrous creation of overnight oats with apple sauce, almond milk, hemp protein, matcha, and frozen blueberries. I'm glad I don't wear white lol!
 
I had classmates with mullets, and even rat tails:svengo:but I've always preferred to have the back of my head light and airy.

Matcha AND frozen blueberries? I needed an apron just to read that :D
 
Meal #4: 200g of sweet peas and a wheat beer.

Annoying!! My acne is trying yet another comeback, and I just ran out of my AHA/ABA exfoliating serum. Oh well. I think I'll go for that walk after I've eaten and drank, and I´ll take out the trash while I'm at it. I don't need to go farther than around the block, I just want to take in the beautiful evening. Whenever the weather is especially nice I always think "how many more sunsets like this am I going to see?". I know it sounds glum but I like to think that this attitude keeps me appreciative of life's small joys.
 
Meal #6 is a feast of rice with a fried egg, a mini can of tuna, edamame, sweet and savory soy sauce, white pepper, scallions and parsley.
 
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