Floater's diary

Not today, I'm sure. That must have ben a punch in the gut. But it's the Friday before a long weekend so there's not much you can do right now anyway. Life support and shields, my friend.
 
I'm such a child. I got so nauseous with my heartrate so high and a splitting headache that I called 112 and they sent me an ambulance to check I'm not having a heart attack. And while I'm glad I'm not actually dying, it feels so dumb to hassle them for no reason. Although they were nice about it. They asked if I can ask anyone to bring me pain meds so my ex's mom brought me some. I'm 34. I'm a disgrace.
 
Sounds like a panic attack to me, which would be a perfectly valid reason to call 112. I've dropped off pain meds for friends when they weren't feeling great and didn't think they were weird for asking. Mostly I'm just glad there's something I can DO when someone I like is suffering. And with all the blows you've been receiving the past couple of months it's perfectly normal for you to be struggling, even badly.
 
Thank you, Llama. I think it won't be out of the question that I have to go inpatient this summer. I hope I won't need to. If I do, I get a one-year automatic hold to transitioning. On the other hand, I don't think it's happening anytime soon anyway.
 
Honestly: with everything that's happened it would be no surprise. I don't know how to say this but if at all possible please go before it feels urgent. You're a good guy and you deserve support as much as the next person. Call it an incremental repayment for all the support that was withheld from you when you were a kid.
 
Llama said:
Honestly: with everything that's happened it would be no surprise. I don't know how to say this but if at all possible please go before it feels urgent. You're a good guy and you deserve support as much as the next person. Call it an incremental repayment for all the support that was withheld from you when you were a kid.
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I promise. I'll try tomorrow. Inpatient is brutal and traumatizing. But if it's what I have to do to keep my apartment (which I will lose along with my disability if I go to the work program) and have a possibility to get Heikki, I will go through it.
 
Hospital breakfast: rye bread, yogurt (couldn't eat it), berry soup and coffee. Your boy really is in the hospital. Never thought I'd pray I get committed as inpatient. (Not inpatient yet)
 
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Hospital lunch: green beans, potatoes and pollock in cream sauce, salad, and a pastry. I'm in a weird mindset, very zen. It was odd to stare at the blue curtains and feel the warmth from the food slowly spread to my fingers.

I know there's no way to know for sure, but I wonder if my body remembers being a preemie and somehow calms down from the beeping of machinery and the... Aura... of hospitals. Which is a reassuring thought as quite a lot of people die in hospitals so it's good to feel safe in them. Everyone wants to die feeling safe.

I'm not dying though, I'm trying to get into a psych ward. They are different. But they are sometimes a necessary evil.
 
Cate said:
Oh, floater :grouphug:
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*Hug*

I wish I had teflon hide and metal nerves, but to be honest I'm glad I was able to check in in time and it seems that I'm being taken seriously, too. Still waiting for the psychiatrist to interview me
 
Home, safe. Ate some ribs. I think I just need to decompress tonight and process all that's happened later on.
 
I'm glad they took you seriously, and I'm glad you continue to take the best possible care of yourself. I'm sorry you didn't get more help though.
 
Llama said:
I'm glad they took you seriously, and I'm glad you continue to take the best possible care of yourself. I'm sorry you didn't get more help though.
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Yeah the psychiatrist was clearly at the end of his rope but I HOPE this will lead to me getting slightly better care when I call the health clinic about yet another appointment for disability on Monday...
 
I am starting to think that there is no hope. If, even after getting my diagnoses, those diagnoses are worthless because a random doctor can look at me and tell me I'm not autistic, what am I supposed to do?
 
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