Floater's diary

After writing down what I did above, I found my center again. Indeed, it isn't my issue if doctors don't know their way around autism.

Let's go down the path of worst scenarios: I won't get an new doctor's appointment in time to renew my disability. I will have to go on worker's comp/be assigned a work to do, which will be very stressful. I will do my best and eventually burn out. But that will be further proof of disability. About my housing situation: there's a disability clause in the rent control laws that SHOULD allow me to keep my apartment. Things may need to get worse before they get better. I may need to get worse before it gets better. But there is a better after.

Let's think the less bad scenario: I might get the doc appt in time and maybe miss out 1-3 months of disability payments. This has happened to me once before. It sucks ass, but after that things get back to normal.

Let's go by the presumption that by January all will be well again.
 
:grouphug: I hope you're aware how strong you are. Mad props for your resilience.
 
Llama said:
:grouphug: I hope you're aware how strong you are. Mad props for your resilience.
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Thanks. I try to remind myself that I don't need to internalize all the weird bullshit that gets thrown my way. Today I'll hit the gym. I don't need to think about anything else, just to make sure I get there.
 
Oh no this isn't good.

I can feel it starting: I can't be still. Physically can't. The anxiety that washes over me the instant I stop moving and keeping myself busy is unbearable.

It's going to be so rough to go on worker's comp. In Finland, you have to apply to new workplaces at really tight intervals to keep it. It's going to be very stressful. I will have zero control over my time, finances, anything really.

Meal #2 is chia almond milk pudding with cherries. I went for a walk with my neighbor. I gotta hit the gym soon.
 
I managed to curb the anxiety a little bit by taking care of as many tasks I could just in case something happens and I have to go inpatient. I'll take my spare keys to ex-MIL today around 7PM so if I have to go at night, she has a way to get here and water my plants. The anxiety is still here, but the more prepared I am for leaving in a hurry in the middle of the night, the better off I'll be.

Heikki's current owner messaged me, we can pick him up either during the Midsummer weekend or the first weekend of July. I'll have to ask my ex what suits him best. Obviously, he would provide me a very strong incentive to stay out of the hospital. But am I healthy enough to make the adjustment? I'm not saying I'm too sick for a pet, I'm saying that this one positive thing came at the worst possible time. Or - did it come at the best possible time? What if Heikki is fated to be the lifeline that will keep the events of summer 2020 from repeating? I know I thrive when I'm around an animal. Maybe there is a way out. I don't know.

The hardest thing is to try and trust. That trust has been misplaced so often.
 
There's no knowing which would be the correct timeline. All you can do is plan as best you can - which you are doing anyway - and hope for the best. But I understand that's rough.
 
Yeah.

Meal #3: a small cup of tomatoes and egg tortillas (three small corn tortilla shells with a scrambled egg, some parmesan and parsley). As long as I can eat on regular intervals, I may yet avoid hospitalization. Usually sleep goes first, the food, then the last of my sanity. Only 15 hours until the health center opens.
 
Llama said:
Are they open on Pentecost?
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My gym is a 24/7 chain gym so yeah!

I did go. And I'm not OK. Not that I couldn't lift - I can do so uncannily well. Which tells me my CNS is running on overdrive and I am at a serious risk of injury if I can't get it to calm down.

Meal #3: locker room porridge.

Plan: go home. Shower, put the laundry machine on. Eat. Try to last until morning. If necessary, go to the ER again.
 
Llama said:
Yay for 7-day gyms but yikes on the CNS freaking out. I hope you can get a bit of sleep at least.
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Let's hope. I took a cold shower but the sweating just won´t stop.

Meal #4: chia pudding with mango puré, almond milk and soy protein, yogurt, sunflower seeds and maple syrup.

After I've eaten, I'll prep a new batch of lentil stew, maybe it will help calm me down.
 
Llama said:
You are doing all you can and that's all anyone can ask.
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Yeah.

Lentil soup is almost done. When it is, I'll go take my spare keys to the MIL just in case I need to go to the hospital tonight.

What bothers me is that the psychiatrist at the ER said I'm not autistic at all. He said I don't need the assistance. And he said that the two doctors who have treated me at the health clinic this spring should meet with their boss and discuss what should be done with me and if I'm fit to work or not. I think it's peculiar. How can a psychiatrist see me once and decide I'm not autistic?
 
I don't know but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Maybe, just maybe, the doctors who treated you last year should have a say as well.
 
Llama said:
I don't know but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Maybe, just maybe, the doctors who treated you last year should have a say as well.
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Or the ones who diagnosed me in the first place. But the doc said the texts there were too long-winded. It's like it's a new concept to these people that yes, it's actually not uncommon to receive a diagnosis as an adult.

Went to drop my spare keys to MIL and stayed for a couple of hours and talked. Ate two boiled eggs and three slices of sourdough bread there, so that was meal #5. Now having meal #6: lentil stew with corn, scallions and parmesan cheese. A weird combo but I'm hungry. I don't think I need to go to ER tonight. I'm doing relatively OK and it was good to see the MIL and their family.
 
I feel tired and pessimistic, but not insane anymore. Seeing the ex MIL and folks helped me feel less alone.
 
So glad to hear that. You being hungry always seems to be a good sign!
Floater said:
Or the ones who diagnosed me in the first place. But the doc said the texts there were too long-winded.
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What the actual fuck? Was he asleep during med school and miss the texts they read there? I hope you were right and he was just super tired.
 
Llama said:
So glad to hear that. You being hungry always seems to be a good sign!
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It is!
Llama said:
What the actual fuck? Was he asleep during med school and miss the texts they read there? I hope you were right and he was just super tired.
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Well, he said about my autism assistance that "social services will buy anyone a trip to a spa if a doctor recommends it", meaning I don't need the services, so.
 
Ah, so he's just a jaded asshole. Got it.
 
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