Floater's diary

Meal #4 - I know I know, the intervals are ridiculous but I was simply hungry again, so - sauerkraut and red lentil stew with two pollock fillets. Still haven't gone out but maybe a warm meal is a good idea before exposing myself to the elements lol.
 
I forgot to mention! I did go out! I picked up two planters that I bought a while ago. It's cold outside but the weird kinda humid cold that I ended up being sweaty although most folks were wearing quilted stuff and I was in shorts lol.

I'm in a very chinchilla headspace. (Which reminds me, I have that old Essie nail polish in the shade "chinchilly", maybe I should celebrate by slapping some on lol :D ) I've been reading up on the little guys and they are TRULY FASCINATING. Because they originate from the rocky slopes of the Andes, they don't burrow - there's nothing to burrow into. Their toes resemble human fingers rather than most rodents' clawed toes, because the soft toes give more grip when hopping from stone to stone. Because they can't hide in burrows during the day and instead have to sleep on rocky slopes, they have evolved the ability to CLOSE THEIR PUPILS while keeping their eyelids open. To predators, they look awake (and to humans, they look hella creepy-cute) doing that. When alarmed, they bark like tiny dogs to alert other chillas. And their ears are so close to human ears in form and function (except their hearing is much better of course) that they are - sadly - used in experiments that study hearing loss in humans. But no one is going to use Heikki for anything else than adoration. I love that little boy so muuuuchhhhh ;___; <3 And I haven't even seen him in person yet!
 
Had to get up and eat a mini can of tuna and some cashews and pumpkin seeds. If I still feel hungry after a while, I'll have the overnight oats I prepped for breakfast.

Edit:

Yep, gonna get those oats in me! I hope they taste OK, I had to improvise as I'm running low on ingredients. I used 1,5dl of rolled oats, 0,5dl of soy protein, a teaspoon of sugar, cinnamon, sunflower seeds, dark chocolate crumbs and almond milk. Going to put a bit of yogurt and an overripe banana on top of it all and pray it's edible lol.

Edit 2: yup they taste fine! I started with half of the stuff so I'll have half left for breakfast. But if I'm still hungry after eating half, I'll eat all of it because I really need to sleep...!
 
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Cate said:
You are definitely in chinchilla mode :) I can feel the excitement from here :D
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It's like a lamp has been lit in my heart! I love love love learning everything I possibly can before he moves in with me 🥰 I want him to feel safe and happy, and live a life as close to his natural needs and inclinations as I can! It's going to be fascinating to live with such an unique critter, I have so much to learn!
 
This is probably going to be a sleepless night, so I had a cup of coffee and took out my last pineapple chunks and 200g of peas to thaw.

I've been pretty deep in thoughts related to the trans clinic mess and how it pretty much means I... Won't get to transition. Which doesn't make me less of a guy. It's just sad how fucked the system is. And something good has, has, has to come out of this. Some new pathway sprouts and I need to watch and listen closely to catch the opportunity. I have the right to feel agonized because I was wronged. But somehow I have to find the balance to work with these changed circumstances. I hope that forming a bond with a new pet will help me with that.
 
Ate the small amount of pineapple, a handful of cashews, and two dates. I really hope I can sleep just a wink even...
 
I snoozed for a couple of hours and had my remaining overnight oats for breakfast. Walked to the city center, am having a nacho beef griller now, then hairdresser & therapy.
 
Not being able to transition now wouldn't mean never being able too, either. Systems do change. Now is not forever and forever is a load of crap.
 
Llama said:
Not being able to transition now wouldn't mean never being able too, either. Systems do change. Now is not forever and forever is a load of crap.
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Very true. From a place of Christian dark humor, there's a true transition waiting for me after my passing and that's the only "forever" there is.

I was happy to find out that Star Trek Discovery has a new season. It made me think about you. SPOILERS!! I kinda liked the character in the first one who was a Klingon but tortured/altered to pass as a human. Although to me it was a PTSD/dissociation allegory rather than a trans allegory. My favorite character in the show, however, was Saru. I like how his whole species is evolutionarily adapted to being a prey animal. Dude was the embodiment of anxiety but still a badass in his weird way.

I had a minor sensory meltdown just now. But I'll get back to it after therapy.
 
Floater said:
My favorite character in the show, however, was Saru. I like how his whole species is evolutionarily adapted to being a prey animal. Dude was the embodiment of anxiety but still a badass in his weird way.
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Ooo, I adore Saru and you're SO not done with his arc yet!
Floater said:
I kinda liked the character in the first one who was a Klingon but tortured/altered to pass as a human. Although to me it was a PTSD/dissociation allegory rather than a trans allegory.
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I hated his human character with a passion from the very first moment. He was so much cooler as an underdog Klingon. Also the saws and screams freaked me tf out so I wasn't a fan of any part of that story. I can't imagine anyone other than anti-transition folks likening it to a trans allegory if I'm honest. It's about trying to be what you weren't made to be, the horrors of the transition, and of course the ultimate failure. I need to find a way to watch the current season...
 
Llama said:
Ooo, I adore Saru and you're SO not done with his arc yet!
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Nice!
Llama said:
I hated his human character with a passion from the very first moment. He was so much cooler as an underdog Klingon.
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Agree, the human him was a sack of shit!
Llama said:
It's about trying to be what you weren't made to be, the horrors of the transition, and of course the ultimate failure. I need to find a way to watch the current season...
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Yeah, agree, if anything queer-related, it made me think about conversion therapy, AKA psychological and often physical abuse aimed to make queer folks straight. 🤔 Especially in Christian Evangelicalism, there's this whole rhetoric of "godly" folks being "warriors of God" and "battling sin", which of course is just a manipulation tactic aimed to get people to loathe their true selves and use the resulting cognitive dissonance as fuel to then hate everyone and everything else and try to stay in good graces of the church. Hm. But the dude legit had trauma both as his true self and his fabricated self. The scene where he remembered the game he used to play before he was brainwashed and mutilated was... A lot.

The space fungus scientist gays and the giant tardigrade were great 😂

Therapy was rough. My therapist recommended that we see again sooner than usual. I agreed. I compared my current situation to a house that has had several water leaks in a few months. I can't see how this shitshow can be fixed without any lasting damage. Black mold is growing in the basement, my friends...

But. I'm at home now, and safe. I had a Thai M-150 energy drink and a can of coconut water with roasted coconut chunks. I'll try to take a nap now.
 
Floater said:
The space fungus scientist gays and the giant tardigrade were great 😂
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I have joked that I'm basically a dumber, unsuccessful Stamets. I relate to his issues so hard. And if you haven't met the engineer yet I'm not going to say anything but I had all the butterflies :rotflmao:
 
Ok, I'm done. I got a call from the health clinic doctor. He said I'm not disabled (not true). My disability payments cease from 31.7 onwards. He said a lot of stuff. I'll get back to this later.

What hurts me the most is that now that I have to fight to keep my apartment and get food, anything transitioning-related will have to wait.
 
Llama said:
Oh fuck, I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm clueless but I hope you can get this sorted :grouphug:
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I probably could. But I just don't think I have the strength to.
 
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