Floater's diary

Thanks @Cate and @Llama . I wasn't trying to sound too glum, I just worry. I need to cancel the buy ASAP if I don't think I'm up to it. I have therapy on Friday, I need to rethink about this
 
Definitely think about it but also: whatever you decide you will make it work. It's not the end of the world either way. Talking about it in therapy might be interesting.
 
Llama said:
Definitely think about it but also: whatever you decide you will make it work. It's not the end of the world either way. Talking about it in therapy might be interesting.
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Yeah - I think this hesitancy might be a trauma response in part. I had two gerbils as a child and I loved them to bits and the were very tame, they even rode in my dungaree pockets, but they met horrible ends thanks to my insane parents. TW for cruelty against animals:

I found one decapitated in her cage, I think my mom did it (she blamed in on my brother's cat first and then the other gerbil), and my parents gave the other rat poison on the morning we were supposed to leave for a holiday and she bled out in my hands while my parents were eating breakfast a meter away, not giving a shit.

So I think I might be subconsciously terrified of something happening to the chilla and not being able to stop him form getting harmed. But I know that whatever animal I'd take, I would take very good care of. Some things, like birth defects, can't be prevented but then again I wouldn't be at fault for those.
 
You know what guys? I think I AM ready. Unless something insane happens last minute, I'll get a chinchilla next month.

It's massively ironic that the boy, Heikki, actually shares a name with my dad. Now I could change the name but I think it's kinda wonderful that I'll soon be caring for a little man called Heikki when as a kid I was so thoroughly fucked up by his namesake. It's a very healing thought.

There is/was a Finnish band called "Ultra Bra" that I loved as a teenager. They have a song called "Minä suojelen sinua kaikelta", "I will protect you from everything", and I used to sing it to Nera. I will sing it to my gorgeous little boy, too. I have a feeling that we are connected by fate; maybe it's a childish thought, but not all childish thoughts are stupid!

Here's the song:

It has such a pretty chorus. Translated it goes like so: "I will protect you from everything you can ever think about being afraid of; there is no darkness that my slender hand could not fend off". The rest of the song is a collection of snippets of experiences the lyrical I has had, of being lost and finding their way again. It makes me feel like loneliness is temporary.

Nera was the perfect pet for my youth. She lived a full life. I'm middle-aged now, and Heikki will be perfect for what comes next in my life. I'll be a cute, fluffy guy with a cute, fluffy guy for a pet; his cage an actual cage and my cage my body and the expectations of society around me. But we'll have each other's backs, me and my boy. I think I love him already. Yes, it is possible that something can go wrong. I may have to suffer a terrible loss if he has malorthosis (genetically fucked teeth that can't be treated other than buy saving the chin from suffering). But I may also be on the threshold of years of loving companionship. For the next two decades I could fall asleep to listening to a beautiful boy rustling in his cage. I'm not going to miss out on all the lovely things Heikki could bring me just because loss and pain is a possibility. I KNOW I can give him a wonderful life worth living, on his terms. I'll be his.
 
I can feel the residue of not taking the best care of my body, but back to self-care routines it is! I don't think I'll go exercise today but tomorrow I will. Today is about food and rest!
 
Oof my stomach is so upset. But I ate a banana and took my meds. I need to remember that stress and big changes take a literal toll on my body. I'll have red lentil soup with feta for lunch. 4-6 meals today, and my stomach should be back to normal tomorrow. I skipped a lot of meals this weekend 🤦
 
I saved the feta for feta pasta later, had mango and red lentil soup for lunch. I'm doing laundry, the dishwasher is running. Today I'll wipe and wash the floors, as well as wash the bathroom. I feel annoyed at myself that I drank during the weekend, I could have used that money for something healthier, but it's not the end of the world. And I was so exhausted mentally that it led to a beer binge and skipped meals. Beating myself up about it is counterproductive - especially as I abstained for over a month without cravings. It's a very good sign, and a minor hiccup doesn't erase a long period of good self-care!

I kicked my big toe and it really hurts. I don't think it's broken because the pain didn't start right away, there's probably some bruising starting to happen around the joint.
 
Ahhh I had a little nap and it felt so good!!

EDIT: now I only need to wash the bathroom sink and loo, and I'll be all done with cleaning up. Always such a nice feeling.
 
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Bwahaha now that I have decided that Heikki is right for me, I'm pining and catastrophizing about the (unrealistic) possibility that the seller won't sell him for whatever reason :grouphug: Anxiety is such a hoot...

My mood has been getting steadily better and better today. I'm just about to have meal #3: rice, a cold over-easy egg, scallions and parsley, and a small bowl of mango. I consider this more of a snack, and will make a bigger pasta meal soon. I can definitely feel my body crying out for nutrients.

EDIT: seller is fine, I'm just a major worrywart :D
 
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Floater said:
I abstained for over a month without cravings. It's a very good sign, and a minor hiccup doesn't erase a long period of good self-care!
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Exactly. Great work!
Floater said:
I kicked my big toe and it really hurts. I don't think it's broken because the pain didn't start right away, there's probably some bruising starting to happen around the joint.
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Ouch. If it still hurts by now maybe elevate and cool.
 
Llama said:
Exactly. Great work!
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Thank you!
Llama said:
Ouch. If it still hurts by now maybe elevate and cool.
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Luckily, it no longer hurts :)

I've been reading more about chinchilla care and making a shopping list. Tomorrow I'll get back to Sex Nurse stuff but for tonight I needed to dream a bit about mine and Heikki´s future together. It's going to be fascinating to get to know him and tame him/get him to trust me! For now it looks that I would drive with my ex to Heikki's current location on the first weekend of July. So now I can kinda just focus on finishing the Sex Nurse nonsense, get back to my exercise and self-care routine, and trust that all will be well.

Meal #4: spaghetti, spinach, and feta cheese.
 
Woke up a bit before noon. It's raining super hard outside and the weather inside is clammy - in the near future I will need to be super careful with how hot and humid my apartment gets, because chinchillas can't deal with hot and humid! I prepped lentil stew for breakfast and took out pineapple to thaw. Today would be gym day but to be honest I don't know how I feel about going outside in this weather eugh...
 
Great!! I got around to doing paperwork related to disability payments, and will time my bills and rent in advance today so I can focus on therapy tomorrow. My grocery delivery bill on Sat is going to be huge and it lowkey hurts, but I'll be saving so much money AND mental energy by having a stocked freezer.

The sneakers I ordered have arrived. Unfortunately the correct size length-wise for me seems to be too narrow for me. :/ I guess I'll be living in my stompy hiking boots and flipflops forever from now on...
 
Llama said:
I wish shoes came in width sizes as well as length...
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EXACTLY.

I have now done all the necessary paperwork and timed all my bills and rent. Meal #2 is a snack of pineapple, pomegranate seeds, and 200g of thawed green peas.

I'm not a bag/purse person, I usually buy one that I use until it's in tatters. But in the same package as the sneakers was a utility belt/fanny pack by Alpha Industries. I'm usually not into "tacticool" stuff because as I always dress in black and have buzzed sides, I'm always a bit worried to come across as alth/right/Neo Nazi especially now as I'm starting to look visibly muscular. But I don't think this one is too much that, and I can always hang a plushie keyring or something from it if I want to. I have a canvas courier bag that has served me very well for two years in daily use, and I still like it, but it's starting to get worn out, no question about that sadly. Still usable, but there are some holes in it already. Besides, it gives me light dysphoria as the strap never sits quite right across my chest, so I'm reminded of the chesticles every time I have to readjust it.

Soooo... I think I should be allowed to treat myself to a 40-euro fanny pack, especially as I have been wearing it around the house today and tried how it works with my jackets and such - and it works perfectly. It's basically just a set of detachable pockets!! I don't think I can part with it! And unlike a courier bag, I can wear this one if I ever get around to start jogging. Now that I'm about to become a chinchilla owner and long walkies are sadly something I can't do with Heikki, maybe it will give me incentive to get into running? And even if it doesn't, it's Pride month goddamnit, and the damn fanny pack gives me gender euphoria, so I'm gonna get it lol.

I need to eat something more substantial and carbsy soon. I think I should try to take a short walk even though I'm really really not in the mood hng.
 
Floater said:
And even if it doesn't, it's Pride month goddamnit, and the damn fanny pack gives me gender euphoria, so I'm gonna get it lol.
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:party:
 
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