Floater's diary

I really, really hope that your submission results in you proceeding through the transition process. I'll hold onto some optimism, but I sure understand why you would want to prepare yourself mentally for the alternative. What an insane system where one person has so much power over those that have little in comparison & to whom it is most important. It's so wrong.
Take good care of yourself, Floater & don't tackle too much at the moment. You will need some reserves. :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
What an insane system where one person has so much power over those that have little in comparison & to whom it is most important. It's so wrong.
Click to expand...
💐

I can't sleep. I probably need to eat something. I'll start with 200g of cottage cheese and see where I end up. EDIT: also two slices of rye bread and 6 salami snacks.
 
Last edited:
I think I might need an extra rest day today. I just feel like my mind and body are fighting hard against doing anything. Gotta go to Ikea but that's it.
 
I'M GOING TO FUCKING BLOW UP

I combed through the doctor's statement and apparently he thought I'm not applying for disability/pension but for continuing assistance visits, which isn't even up to him to apply for, I don't understand how in the world this could happen.

I called the health clinic and through some miracle talked to a nurse I had talked to last week about the same thing, she was shocked and agreed that this is no longer something that can be dealt with over the phone, and apologized and told me she'll call me first thing in the morning(s) at 8AM to offer me any cancellations/openings to a doctor so I can go sort this out with someone in person. Because this requires for a completely new application to be written.

Of course this meant I had to call the autism assistance people and let them know that I need to be on alert for a doc's appointment at any time, and I ended up having a long phone conversation with middle management about some things that have been feeling off for a long time. Mainly that I've noticed that some of the ways I'm getting assistance are not necessarily beneficial to me in the sense that I rely too much in outside judgment about my own issues and that just isn't healthy for me.

I'm so glad that I managed to get a hold of a nurse who already knew my situation. She even thanked me for being so patient. Makes me think that maybe I'm not such a horrible person after all. I think that probably a lot of people would have been impolite. I know it's in the Bible that the meek shall inherit the Earth but my meekness is so extreme that it tends to be a vice, not a virtue. Baaaaaaaaaaahhh.

EDIT: meal #1: green lentil stew with pollock, a banana, four dates, two pieces of dark chocolate.
 
The meek may inherit the earth once everyone's dead but until then it's firmly in the hands of the loudmouths. Sounds like you pulled some positives from a turd of a situation though: kudos to you.
 
Fuck rest day, I need to go aqua jog this antsiness out of my system! I need to reapply sunscreen first though, there's an UV alert in place!
 
Aqua jogged for 2,5 hours, had locker room porridge. Weather is warm enough to go sleeveless although I seem to be the only one doing so... I truly am an arctic ape 😖😂
 
At home now, having a salad with 150g of smoked salmon, radishes, seaweed snacks and dark green salad mix. It's 8 PM and this is meal #3 so I'm way behind schedule...

The swimsuit I ordered had arrived at the post! Oh my god I like it... It's black with abstract colorful patterns that make me think of thermal cam footage or weather charts. The only issue is that it's very snug. Of course, swimsuits are supposed to be snug when dry and I'm working hard for weight loss so it wouldn't be smart to buy a swimsuit that's too big, either. The current one I have is so loose that it traps air bubbles in o_O

I have had a Speedo swimsuit before, too, it was a two-piece and it felt way too small dry as well, but was perfect in the water. In this current one the back strap digs into my back a bit, as I have a slight roll where one would usually wear a bra band, but I don't think it would be avoidable even if I were to pick a larger size. It's just my current anatomy. And something about the swimsuit, the material, the cut, etc just makes me happy. If I saw myself as just some random chick out there I'd think that chick looks thick but nice. And no swimsuit can erase my dysphoria so there's that. I guess I'll sleep over the decision and try it on again tomorrow.
 
I'd say a fun suit would be worth hanging on to (because swimsuits are generally awful), but sleeping on it is very likely a good idea.
 
Llama said:
I'd say a fun suit would be worth hanging on to (because swimsuits are generally awful), but sleeping on it is very likely a good idea.
Click to expand...
Yeah I'd say that if I can wear a swimsuit, see my back roll, and still like the suit (especially as I'm SUPER bloated right now due to all this stress), it's pretty much as good as it's going to get. But I'll sleep on it so I can be sure about my decision.

I prepped breakfast: mango and banana fruit salad, a rye sandwich with dark green salad + marg + liver paté, cherry tomatoes, sauerkraut, 100g of cottage cheese, 4 salami snacks, two Brazil nuts and one mochi. I wanted a big, carbsy breakfast because I want to hit the gym straight after breakfast to avoid the rush hours like last time. As I was prepping, a little bug had been hiding in the bento box and tried to scurry away. They are harmless, they are called "sugar grubs" here, I think the English name is "silverfish"? There are tons of them in this apartment complex. This particular one lost its' life, and I washed the compartment it had been chilling in.

I'm having meal #4 already: 100g of cottage cheese, a rye sandwich with dark green salad + marg + liver paté, two Brazil nuts and a caramel pudding. I used to love this particular pudding when I was a kid. The package has changed but the taste is the same. When I was a kid, the consistency used to be a bit firmer though, you could cut and dig into the pudding with a spoon as if you were making exciting excavations! I need to talk about my childhood food memories to my therapist. Maybe take something with me there that has a lot of memories related to it. I think he'd be cool with it.
 
I'm feeling hungry again, which isn't that surprising considering how my day went, so I better get up and clean the kitchen, put the dishwasher on and figure out my next meal. Something carbsy for sure.
 
Meal #5: instant ramen, scallions, and two fried eggs. I think this is enough, I'll put the dishwasher to run, brush my teeth and try to sleep.
 
The swimsuit sounds really good. I can't think of any words to convey how I feel about the health clinic doctor's fuckery (I have never used that before, but I like it) :svengo: You are doing well not totally losing it!
 
Hallelujah!! I love love LOVE that nurse I talked with yesterday. I just got a text message that there was a cancellation, so I have a new doctor's appointmen tomorrow at 9.30!
 
:hurray: :hurray: :hurray: Yay for the good apples! :hurray::hurray::hurray:
And I like your description of digging tunnels through your dessert: definitely sounds like it would be worth recreating.
 
Llama said:
:hurray: :hurray: :hurray: Yay for the good apples! :hurray::hurray::hurray:
And I like your description of digging tunnels through your dessert: definitely sounds like it would be worth recreating.
Click to expand...
Yay indeed 🥰

Alas; the consistency of the dessert has changed into more of a liquid, so no excavations for adult Floater, sadly. But the only constant is change. That can be something to build on too.

Time to get dressed and have breakfast!
 
You could try adding some agar agar or gelatine and see if it works. Or try a firmer pudding with a different flavor. I quite like super firm jello.
 
Llama said:
You could try adding some agar agar or gelatine and see if it works. Or try a firmer pudding with a different flavor. I quite like super firm jello.
Click to expand...
no, it has to be this one for reasons I can't explain. But the taste itself is clearly enough to bring back the memory of the consistency!

Breakfast time, then gym.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top