Floater's diary

When the sun rises...


(Note: I haven't seen the movie. But I do like the song.)
 
Thanks @Llama , I'll check it out tomorrow!

Meal #3 was locker room porridge and a 250kcal ice cream I bought on my way home. I'm now making rice for meal #4: rice with two tuna steaks (I bought them frozen yesterday), soy sauce and scallions.
 
The tuna steaks were good. The first one was perfect, the second one was a bit too done by the time I started eating it (it kept cooking on the plate). It was a bit of a Memory Lane experience - when I was a teenager I used to buy and cook frozen tuna whenever I had the money. Let's not walk further down the lane though. I was so fucking hungry back then...

I won't have time to eat my bento breakfast tomorrow because tomorrow's assistance visit starts at 9:30 and might include an Ikea trip if they sort out their Click & Collect orders in the morning. So I'm going to prep some overnight oats instead. I need to wait for the laundry to be done and hang it but I think I'll have a bigger meal #5 and skip #6 because I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.

I wrote something to an online friend that made my skin crawl when I read it after sending. I'll put it in spoilers. It's not disturbing or anything that in my opinion needs a TW, but it's so very sad. I'm so very sad. Not as an emotion but as a person: pitiful.

Until today I've been in fairly good spirits, hopeful, you know. But today I had a crying fit and after that I just sat on my bed for an hour with one shoe on foot and the other on the floor because I physically couldn't put it on. My body was just disconnected from the brain. Eventually I did get up and go aqua jogging but I can't help but think that it might be easier for me to just... Fall back into deeper dissociation, forget that I'm trans, leave all this fighting and trouble and all these injustices and humiliations behind and just try to find whatever little comforts I can in life being stuck in a body that doesn't feel like a home. Or maybe keep my transness to myself, as this secret about who and what I am, as something no one can take away from me because to the outside world it doesn't exist so they don't even care to try.
 
:grouphug: You matter. You deserve good things. You deserve support. And it's ok to feel pitiful sometimes. I've done the crying on the bathroom floor thing because I didn't have the strength to get up at times: I promise (and I know you know) it passes. I hope you get some sleep tonight.
 
Thank you, Llama *hug*

Meal #5 is going to be a small bowl of thawed mango, a banana, rye bread with ham and salad, and a handful of cherry tomatoes. If I can't sleep after that, I'll have salami snacks if I feel hungry for calories and cottage cheese if I feel hungry for protein.

Actually; while none of this makes me feel better about my lifetime of medical trauma, I do feel accomplished about the fact that I'm back in a place where I can at least recognize my body's needs this well. It should make me feel more at peace with the fact that I know my mind's needs too.
 
:grouphug: I think you are very self-aware & know what your needs are. I love that you are looking after yourself so well. I hope you get that table & get it together tomorrow. It will be good to have a table & chairs.
 
Thanks @Cate !

The table didn't get to the click & collect in time, so I'll go pick it up tomorrow.

I never had meal #5 yesterday, I fell asleep before I had time to eat it, so I had it for breakfast instead. (I may be hungrier than usual today, because yesterday must have left me in a big deficit.) Assistance came over, I woke up to the doorbell because my phone had ran out of battery. I had breakfast and we talked. I feel a bit weird but whatever.

I feel nice about fitting in my old gym tights. When I was aquajogging yesterday I noticed that the floating belt now leaves smaller rolls in my lower abdomen than it used to. Sure, my weight hasn't gone down a lot but my body feels harder from muscle when compared to how it was 4 weeks ago.

The lawyer will call me at 1PM and after that I'll go to the gym. As I don't have the table yet, I don't need to stress about starting to write the corrections to Sex Nurse's statement today.
 
Having more muscle, even without weight loss is a win. I did some shopping today & bought a few different nuts after reading about brazil nuts & cashews in your diary. I might start having some different breakfasts. I love how you plan your breakfasts & the bento box idea :)
 
I'm a happy chap now. The call to the legal advice was worth it: it confirmed that

a) seeking out an administrative solution to Sex Nurse's shenanigans is not only within my rights, but also doesn't form any legal obstacle for me to also report her to the national health care administrative organ, OR to report her to the police as long as I do so within two years from the date of the forged document

b) her specialist status, should the issue ever proceed to the legal stuff, is grounds for harsher penalty

c) working these mentions either somewhere into the corrections I'll send to her and her boss, or the email accompanying the attached file, should work as a deterrent for her to try any further fuckery (and of course I'll be classy about it)

Great!

Time for lunch: Meal #2 beluga lentil stew with pollock fillet and Thai basil, a banana, four dates. Then gym.
 
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Hm, gym hasn't happened yet. I had another shutdown where I couldn't move. While not dangerous, very annoying, and a clear signal for me to take it easy.

I made coffee. I'll have meal #3: the rest of the ham I have lying around in the fridge and a chocolate bar (+ my short effect ADHD med). Then gym. Post workout porridge is all ready and packed. I'll have my overnight oats when I get back, and I'll prep the next batch of lentil stew.

EDIT: had the ham. Don't feel like having the chocolate so I'll save that for later.
 
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Classy, ethical fuckery is the best kind. Always good to know where you stand, legally. Awesome about the leggings and belt fitting better!
 
I made it to the gym, it was filled to the brim. I could only do bench press + lat pulldowns. Had meal #4: locker room porridge, and had a panic attack walking home but those pass on their own. Just got home. I'll shower and start prepping that lentil stew.
 
I prepped green lentil stew with coconut milk, spinach, cashew nuts and sweet peas; it smells great.

Meal #5 started with a pretty zany portion of two fried eggs, rice, and a mini can of tuna in oil. I just splashed some mushroom soy sauce on it and scarfed it down like a dog lol - I was starving! I'll also have the overnight oats with pineapple and pomegranate seeds that I made yesterday evening.

I've been better about putting on body lotion after showering lately. I don't like rubbing it on, but I feel a tiny bit little less dysphoria when my skin feels and look moisturized. I have a feeling that this summer is going to be difficult because I'm really looking down the barrel of the possibility that Sex Nurse put my transition plans into permanent hold. It's likely I'll go through a period of depression due to this.
 
Depression is s normal reaction to grief. But as a pathological optimist I have some hope that Bloody Awful Nurse is getting a stern talking to from her boss for potentially causing trouble for the clinic. My boss is the mildest person on the planet and he would skin me alive for falsifying a patient's records, especially this blatantly.
 
Llama said:
But as a pathological optimist I have some hope that Bloody Awful Nurse is getting a stern talking to from her boss for potentially causing trouble for the clinic.
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Except: Sex Nurse works for the same autism assistance company as my regular assistance people, and the trans clinic buys her services as "a specialist consultant". She's the only person in Finland who interviews autistic trans people for the trans clinic in Helsinki (the one in Tampere does not require autistics to have a different diagnostic path than neurotypical people). On top of that, she regularly teaches in conferences and has workshops for people working with autistics. Her position - despite her very humble qualifications - is so unquestioned and her hustle is so lucrative to the autism assistance company that her boss will absolutely not side with me in this; I spell a loss of profit for them.
Llama said:
My boss is the mildest person on the planet and he would skin me alive for falsifying a patient's records, especially this blatantly.
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Ideally, Sex Nurse should be sacked. But I'm just an insane, autistic trans guy with H-cup tits and a mental health history as long as the Nile. For some reason I suspect that Sex Nurse's boss will find a way to disregard my complaints and keep milking her cash cow for as long as possible. A slap on the wrist is as good as it's going to get, and I'm lucky if they fix the statement without too much gaslighting or general hiccuping.

Sorry for being so pessimistic; I just believe that the Finnish saying "a crow won't peck anothers´ eye" is sadly quite applicable here. :/
 
You may very well be right. And being pessimistic about it probably makes it less painful if you are. But man I hope her position will one day be filled by an autistic person. Or at least a trans person.
 
Llama said:
You may very well be right. And being pessimistic about it probably makes it less painful if you are. But man I hope her position will one day be filled by an autistic person. Or at least a trans person.
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Yeah. It sucks to have to brace oneself for impact but it's better than take an unexpected hit.

I share your thoughts about the "nothing about us without us" principle! And it's extra mindfuck-y that as far as I know, the Helsinki trans clinic is the only one in the world where autistic people go through a different diagnostic path than neurotypical people. I think it's a lowkey sign of some degree of corruption to have a single nurse elevated to such a "specialist" status 🤔
 
I think I'll skip meal #6, brush my teeth and try to sleep.

EDIT: I can't be bothered to prep breakfast. I just need to wake up, have the assistance person drive me to Ikea and back, and go to the pool for my aqua jogging session. I need to conserve my energy. And I can have lentil stew and pollock for breakfast in a pinch.
 
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